1monnth sober

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Three Goblin Art

Janaina Medeiros
I'd rather be in outer space 🛸
Mike Driver
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occasionally subtle

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@1dollarloosie
1monnth sober

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The greatest sin
is to be unconscious."
Our boy Holden says "What scares me
most is the other guy's face."
"It wouldn't be so bad
if you could both be blindfolded."
Most of the time, the faces that we face
are not the other guys', but our own faces.
And it is the worst kind of yellowness
to be so scared of yourself
that you put blindfolds on
rather than deal with yourself.
To face ourselves - that's the hard thing.
So the beginning of this year so far I’ve done:
Shaved my eyebrows
Hanging out with coworkers
Started gauges
Set boundaries
Started reading
Started working out
Started journaling
I started doing these things in mid December
Let’s keep it going
Color dump
I was gonna post something long and sentimental, but the gist of it is I’m just a silly Philly jawn that needs to appreciated, celebrated and loved i’m one of the few people that actually believes that love will save me one day and lately. I just been trying to find it within myself. I’ve been reading. I’ve been hanging out with other people. I’ve been watching videos. I’ve been listening to audiobooks. I’ve been listening to myself moreso. And I’ve been grieving people but lately I realize I’ve been grieving my own delusions and what I’m actually chasing is myself to be honest, knowing that- I continue to ask myself is anyone really up to par ? one of my weaknesses is falling in love with potential and romanticizing what wasn’t 
Made a meme -also due to personal reasons this will be my last year being gay

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“All I’m saying is this despite everything- I was falling in love with you in silence the moment I’ve said something I was reminded why I should’ve kept quiet in the first place
Sometimes I wish I was wrong so bad sometimes”
people do weird shit and then play victim, like how are you weird twice
In all seriousness this situationship shit is not normal it’s extremely destructive
I took my moms happy birthday wishes for granted
One of my favorite past times is doom scrolling on one side of the bed and then rolling over to the other side before my phone dies 

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Very C*nty as they say
So I got back into therapy smh
Next jawn that talk to me I’m gonna throw up 😭
I have find a therapist cause these hoes are traumatic :( like full transparency I’m starting not to like sex and it was this enjoyable experience for me but not anymore and one day I will out these behaviors but I’m just disappointed cause it’s been nothing but black women and nb folks have been consistently sexualizing me and I’ve been conditioned to think I have to fuck in order to have a meaningful(???) relationship it makes me feel disconnected stunted and disgusted and causes crazy body/gender dysmorphia I feel like I’m losing my mind and my body
It’s time to leave people alone I’m just disappointed more so disgusted

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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Unasked Update
Lately, I’ve been dating—probably the most I’ve ever dated in my whole dating career. And here’s what I’ve learned:
People are not who they say they are.They repeat things they’ve heard elsewhere, like recycled scripts—saying what they think I want to hear.But when you start a relationship with performance instead of truth, that’s already damage.
I’m calling it Romantic Existentialness.It’s like emotional existentialness—where you start questioning the ethics, the actions, even the very feeling of love. Where it almost feels like love doesn’t exist at all… yet we’re told to believe in it wholeheartedly.
And to add on, it feels like love has no value anymore.Like there’s been a romantic inflation. The antics of romance—grand gestures, deep care, consistency—are viewed as too much, too intense, not as important as material things. Because that’s what our music, our media, our culture keeps feeding us: the idea that possessions matter more than presence, that status matters more than sincerity. I feel like love is, by nature, transactional—but not in the shallow way people think. Real love is a transaction of respect, playfulness, attention, and truly knowing someone.
And personally—I’ve been burnt out.Living with PTSD, I’ve got these pattern-recognition skills that even my own consciousness can’t keep up with. Subconsciously, I’m peeping it. I see the gestures, the slip-ups, the performances before they’re even obvious.And once I catch them, I get turned off instantly.It makes it hard to even form words around the feeling.
It’s like: I already know, so why bother?
Being told I’m attractive.Being told I’m funny.Being told the obvious.It doesn’t suffice anymore.
At first, I used to eat that up—because growing up without words of affirmation made me crave them. But now, as I’m getting older, as my confidence and self-love are growing, those things don’t hold weight anymore.
I’m at a point of action.Like, I get it.We’re young. We’re in our 20s. We want to do hookups. We want to have sex.
But me, personally?
I’ve lived through too much. Too many lives. I want to be seen beyond nakedness.I want someone who can keep up with me mentally. Beyond banter. Beyond small talk. Beyond performance.Because in the relationships I’ve had before, I’ve never felt like I could be 100% myself.And the situationships? They’ve been nothing but psychological edging—keeping me close, but never letting me arrive.
It’s hard to let go and I’ve been letting go of a lot and I’ve been happy it gets to a point you can’t everything with you if you want to grow
Growth is not in your happiness moments it’s in you challenging ones