Lately, I’ve been dating—probably the most I’ve ever dated in my whole dating career. And here’s what I’ve learned:
People are not who they say they are.They repeat things they’ve heard elsewhere, like recycled scripts—saying what they think I want to hear.But when you start a relationship with performance instead of truth, that’s already damage.
I’m calling it Romantic Existentialness.It’s like emotional existentialness—where you start questioning the ethics, the actions, even the very feeling of love. Where it almost feels like love doesn’t exist at all… yet we’re told to believe in it wholeheartedly.
And to add on, it feels like love has no value anymore.Like there’s been a romantic inflation. The antics of romance—grand gestures, deep care, consistency—are viewed as too much, too intense, not as important as material things. Because that’s what our music, our media, our culture keeps feeding us: the idea that possessions matter more than presence, that status matters more than sincerity. I feel like love is, by nature, transactional—but not in the shallow way people think. Real love is a transaction of respect, playfulness, attention, and truly knowing someone.
And personally—I’ve been burnt out.Living with PTSD, I’ve got these pattern-recognition skills that even my own consciousness can’t keep up with. Subconsciously, I’m peeping it. I see the gestures, the slip-ups, the performances before they’re even obvious.And once I catch them, I get turned off instantly.It makes it hard to even form words around the feeling.
It’s like: I already know, so why bother?
Being told I’m attractive.Being told I’m funny.Being told the obvious.It doesn’t suffice anymore.
At first, I used to eat that up—because growing up without words of affirmation made me crave them. But now, as I’m getting older, as my confidence and self-love are growing, those things don’t hold weight anymore.
I’m at a point of action.Like, I get it.We’re young. We’re in our 20s. We want to do hookups. We want to have sex.
I’ve lived through too much. Too many lives. I want to be seen beyond nakedness.I want someone who can keep up with me mentally. Beyond banter. Beyond small talk. Beyond performance.Because in the relationships I’ve had before, I’ve never felt like I could be 100% myself.And the situationships? They’ve been nothing but psychological edging—keeping me close, but never letting me arrive.
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