' the mind is its own place , and in itself can make a heaven of hell , a hell of heaven . what matter where , if I be still the same ? ' β paradise lost , milton .
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@14nt0
' the mind is its own place , and in itself can make a heaven of hell , a hell of heaven . what matter where , if I be still the same ? ' β paradise lost , milton .
i . rules ii . background iii . blogroll iv . promo v . wishlist vi . prompts

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shoutout to everyones patience w me , those starters were all posted and then i realised i didn't tag y'all in like half of them .
sentence starters from the mountain goats - the coroner's gambit
"this house is so haunted."
"i was having visions of sugared pastry."
"i tried to turn my visions into prayers."
"i built my castle way high up in the air."
"my brothers picked me up out of the rushes."
"i am the killer dressed in pilgrim's clothing."
"i am the hard-to-find stations on the AM band."
"i am the landmine hidden in the sand."
"let the fire take its toll."
"i'm coming home."
"i know i'm starving half to death."
"i know you're waiting."
"i know you've been waiting for a long, long time."
"let the incense burn in every room."
"feel the fullness of time in the empty tomb."
"they told me to teach you everything i know."
"let the fire rain down."
"i let my curiosity get the best of me."
"i saw the sourceless anger eating at him from inside."
"quinine's bitter, sugar's sweet."
"i will turn the soil with my hands."
"i will make my home there."
"my garden will grow so high that i will be completely hidden."
"i will go where i will go."
"i will jettison all dead weight."
"i will use these words for kindling."
"when death came calling today, i heard the gentle grace of his cadences."
"i couldn't say no."
"i'm sorry i couldn't. do you know how badly i wanted to?"
"his smile was dazzling, and his eyes were sparkling."
"the spirit wasn't really willing anymore. but the flesh was very, very strong."
"i've got very little money left, and i got no sense."
"i'll have none of your goddamned impudence."
"everything was new again."
"i'd be grateful my children aren't here to see this if you'd ever seen fit to give me children."
"i'll be skinned alive before i'll take this from you."
"neither of us said a word."
"you had to open up your mouth, didn't you?"
"i knew what you were gonna say."
"i told you not to open that one."
"you're gonna get yours, and i'm gonna get mine."
"somebody's bound to get burned."
"i've been watching the road turn."
"you've done something awful. i've done something worse."
"guess i'm supposed to figure these things out, or maybe it's supposed to be self-evident."
"i've gone feral, and i don't speak the language anymore."
"i hope the stars don't come out tonight."
"i hope we both freeze to death."
"look at the person i've turned into. tell me, how do you like them now?"
"i am right here where you want me."
"do what you brought me out here for."
"you can arm me to the teeth; you can't make me go to war."
"i can feel my heart in my throat again."
"i feel it rushing down my throat, fresh blood."
"i don't know if i can stand it."
"the stars come out of hiding for you. and i would too."
"you slipped free without me."
"you bring something unreplaceable to each and every day."
"if you get there before me, will you save me a seat?"
"if you get there before me, will you light us a fire?"
"would you keep the fire burning?"
"this is a song for you."
"the rain fell all night, and it kept me awake."
"if i ever want to drive myself insane, all i have to do is watch you breathing."
"we were rising from the grave."
"there's a lot of ways to make money in this world, but i can't recommend insurance fraud."
"let me tell you something; you will never get away with it."
"i won't be cashing in your policy 'til i find out what it is you're trying to do to me."
"i think i'm gonna be real sick again."
"i know i can't afford another night here in this place."
"it's gonna be just you and me today."
"i don't want to talk about it now, okay?"
"i just want to get this whole thing over with."
"i don't want to deal with it anymore."
"i hang on every word you say."
"let them all play longer and louder."
@14nt0 gets a small starter !
Heels clicked against cobblestone. The woman stopped in front of a nondescript coffee shop. Lips curled in greeting as she spotted her intended contact. Her hands never left the warm confines of her trench coat pockets. "Mr. Jones."
#WHATSPOILERS : ' doctor song , ' ianto responded , eyebrows furrowed but not unwelcoming . he held out one to go cup , his own already half empty and leeching warmth into his fingers only as fast as the wind was draining them of it . his shoulder was heavy with the weight of his laptop bag , but it helped hide the nervous tension there . torchwood sent him to meetings with other governmental agencies every so often , but this was different , this felt dangerous . blue eyes found hers , ' how can we help you today ? '
#PERSONAEI : this was fucked up . ianto jones was face to face with @personaei , and his boss was nowhere to be found ; she was going to be so mad at him . it took a few seconds for his brain to stop scrambling , searching for sense or reason , and then his shoulders shifted back in a smooth roll . his spine straightened and ianto remembered the etiquette yvonne had drilled into him in case of this scenario . the archivist blinked and then tuned in to what the man from the torchwood charter β the man they were set up to stop βΒ was actually saying to him . he just about managed to stutter out a reply , ' torchwood london , sir , sorry . i really wasn't expecting you to say that is all ? we've been having a little problem with shapeshifters recently . '

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#AGENTHARKNESS : the filter was a sponge between his teeth , soaking up the panic before it had a chance to bubble from his mouth in an anxious overspill of words that wouldn't mean anything . cardiff was cold at night , even more so than the metal of london had been . always had been since he was first aware enough to not fight being put in a winter jacket like the one he was wearing now . it was warm with deep pockets that held some cash , a myriad of different identifications , and a solitary lighter .
it was strange , being home . his mum had called him twelve times in the past month , his sister five . they were worried , and mad . he understood because that was what ianto jones did . they didn't want to hear that he was invisible to these people and alone and sleeping in fits and starts of memories like a knife to his throat and his girlfriend dead at his feet . they didn't want to hear that he was losing his mind .
blue eyes danced along the bay and he exhaled a mouth of smoke . @agentharkness and the team didn't want to know him , weren't ready to forgive him yet which ached like a hole punched out of his chest , partly because he still wasn't sure if he wanted forgiveness .
a sound like the wind finding something to whip against had his head turning just a little . he took a long drag and tapped off the ash , ' long day in the office , sir ? '
#WHATSPOILERS : apart from the scar on his leg and learning how to score on a thursday morning , ianto jones rarely had reason to be grateful for where he had grown up . there was , however , the way he had learned to break into anything and get out as fast as he could with next to no issue . it was a skill that he used for torchwood often . as commonly as his boss wanted some piece of alien or futuristic tech that the other kids in the sandbox weren't sharing . yvonne hartman had scrubbed his last two arrests from his record , and promised to keep him clean for as long as he was under her . the skill came in more useful than the inconvenience of clearing up after him .
he had to admit , even with the endless archives of the meticulous researchers of torchwood one calling to him more and more frequently , this part of being a field agent ( even one not fully trained yet ) would be hard to walk away from .
it was how he found himself stood opposite another person in a room that should have been empty , gun raised and face cool . the only thing between him and the other person who he knew , after weeks of vigilant reconnaissance , did not work security for the building was a gem that glowed bright even in otherwise pitch dark of the room .
' don't move , ' ianto said , voice steady but quiet . his eyes flickered between @whatspoilers and the rock , hoping it didn't illuminate the room too well , didn't reveal the shake in his hands . his stance widened , careful now , ' you could still leave without raising the alarm . '
heading over to my multi to hangout for a while , add me on disco ( dsrptv ) or msg me here to plot !
does ianto talk non stop when he's panicking ? yes . does he say literally anything important that lets people in on how he's feeling ? absolutely not .
#UNITLEAD : ianto was trying to breathe slowly , watch the door for @unitlead to appear , but was inevitably dragged back to canary wharf and the marching of metal feet that weren't there . it wasn't the same , wasn't important , but nonetheless his fingers tightened around the handle of the briefcase he was holding . he did not like london .
rarely , the archives of torchwood cardiff failed him , or someone in an office decided they needed to check in on the third branch , or a meeting was called to liaise between themselves and another organisation like unit . the latter was , by far , his favourite reason to be sent on an expedition beyond his shelves of artifacts . even if torchwood were somewhat less reputable , they were still experts and world savers , and ianto had a good resume . he knew that he would be useful , and hoped that in return unit would be able to help them out .
he was ready for a lot of things ; his bosses over the years had varied between a manipulative shark without an unpatriotic bone in her body , and a time travelling ex conman who had no sense of boundaries . his eyes shifted back to the foyer of the unit building just in time to roll his shoulders back and offer out a hand , battle ready , ' doctor stewart ? i'm ianto jones , torchwood cardiff . '

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' it's not that . all right , you've got a time travel machine . i believe you . believe anything , me . but what future ? ' β oh nancy from the doctor dances i just know you and ianto jones would have been friends .
#DRTWAT : oh fuck . ianto jones didn't often hate the archives , because they were something he revelled in keeping in order , but he did hate that everyone who had ever worked for torchwood at any point in time had access to them . knives , he thought through grit teeth whilst squinting for something to staunch the bleeding with , did not just get shoved on the shelf under ' k ' . trying to ignore the burning pain radiating out from the cut on the back of his hand , he slipped the dusty relic off the shelf and stood .
it wasn't a bad cut , he considered as he moved up the stairs and wandered across the hub in a search for @drtwat , but it was bleeding vociferously into the cloth he had pressed to it . his lips pursed as the archivist glanced at the orange-ing blade and before he even appeared at the top of the med bay , he called out , ' what are the chances i die from tetanus before a weevil inevitably gets me ? '
#FRACTUREDECHOES : ' i violated about sixteen rules that should have me mind wiped and left an amnesiac wandering the hills of snowdon to do it , ' ianto started and leaned against the wall of the coffee shop they were stood outside of . he was tired , but in a good way for once , not with the exhaustion of endlessly trying to be the perfect agent for the captain and the team . river , in all the chaos that she seemed to find like a magnet for it , was so exciting to be around . it was as though he was fifteen and stealing cars again , running around wales an unholy terror : as though he had just started working for torchwood again , a nineteen year old who was all energy . under one arm was an empty folder that he had brought with him before realising it didn't really prove anything , and in his hand was a to go cup full of too many shots of espresso . his face twisted in something like a smile and he offered @fracturedechoes an almost shy shrug , ' but i put the contents of your file in the incinerator . '
#UNSETT1ING : it wasn't often that he went to london these days , would subtly hint at sending one of the other hub team in his place when the captain began suggesting it . aside from the itch of all that metal , there was too much old blood there , too many signs pointing to a sight that he had no interest in seeing . it was why he was in the lobby of the hotel , battling the bored concierge at the front desk for any room swap at all that meant he wasn't staring at the canary wharf ruins , now an unpleasantly modern memorial .
he relented and turned his attention to the doors as the girl began answering phone calls and holding a finger up to him to wait a moment . the conference shouldn't be too dull , at least . normally they were days of relentless drivel from old men , this time the talks seemed as though they were going to be almost useful . plus , there was never a bad time to remind unit , the cia , and whatever over organisations had been invited just how vital torchwood had proved themselves .
spinning on one of his shoes , ianto didn't look up from his phone as he started searching for other places with rooms still available in the area , condemned to the idea of spending his days with the curtains drawn tight closed . it was why he didn't see @unsett1ing as he began walking and almost bowled them both over . before he had even straightened up again or gathered his phone and conference pass from the floor , the man was muttering formal and frustrated apologies , ' sorry β i was distracted β oh ! '
blue eyes widened and for the first time since he had stepped off of the train , ianto felt a smile twist at his mouth , ' martha ? '
#ANYWHEREXWHEN : his trousers were soaked in blood ; he had slipped on the stairs and his hands wouldn't stop shaking . ianto had been deep in the archives , gone to find the thing his boss had wanted him to get rid of , but now he couldn't find her . he couldn't find lisa either , and metal was overwhelming all of his senses like he was one of the ones put in those awful suits . part of him wanted to curl up and hide , but he had to keep moving , had to find lisa . his breath wracked through his body in something like a sob . it was hard to focus on the thing in his pocket , to focus on getting to the room they had kept the sphere in , but he had to . there was something like hope deep in his chest that was carrying him to the double doors , that whatever yvonne wanted him to do would save the day , save lisa . whatever was in there would make it better .
' help , god , please help me , ' ianto stumbled , hoarse and terrified . desperation flooded him at the sight of another living body . he barely took in a moment of @anywherexwhen 's figure before he was stumbling to the computers they had used to control the breach and staring at them in dismay . they were useless to him in this state . he couldn't message lisa , couldn't find the void , couldn't email yvonne .
it was so quiet . he hadn't noticed but now . . . blue eyes , wet and wide turned to look at the other stood in the room and ianto collapsed onto the wall , ' is it done ? are we all doomed ? '

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PROMPTS FROM RANDOM LYRICS BY THE MOUNTAIN GOATS * Β assorted lyrics from the mountain goats songs, originally created by my friend monk and reposted with permission, adjust as necessary
i am gonna make it through this year if it kills me.
people say friends donβt destroy one another. what do they know about friends?
woke up afraid of my own shadow. like genuinely afraid.
headed for the pawnshop to buy myself a switchblade.
i feel guilty but i canβt feel ashamed.
itβs okay to find the faith to saunter forward.
lord send me a mechanic if iβm not beyond repair.
thereβs bound to be a ghost at the back of your closet no matter where you live.
thereβs gonna come a day when you feel better.
iβm gonna bribe the officials, iβm gonna kill all the judges.
itβs gonna take you people years to recover from all of the damage.
our friends say itβs darkest before the sun rises, weβre pretty sure theyβre all wrong.
i hope when you think of me years down the line you canβt find one good thing to say.
i hope that if i found the strength to walk out youβd stay the hell out of my way.
i am drowning, there is no sign of land.
you are coming down with me, hand in unlovable hand.
i hope you die. i hope we both die.
cling to my convictions even when i get hurt.
but iβve tried the losing side, i donβt wanna die in here.
you found my breaking point. congratulations.
spent too much of my life now trying to play fair.
iβm walking out of here in one piece, donβt care what comes after.
do every stupid thing that makes you feel alive.
some things you do just to see how bad theyβll make you feel.
some people crash two or three times and then learn from their mistakes.
mistreat your altar boys long enough and this is what you get.
a tigerβs never going to change its stripes.
too long iβve let my self respect stand in my way.
you can stand up, you can run. you and i both know what youβve done.
i will carry you home in my teeth.
spat out my morning prayers. desperate pleas and vicious lies.
there are no pan-asian supermarkets down in hell.
feast when you can, and dream when there's nothing to feast on.
the most remarkable thing about coming home to you is the feeling of being in motion again.
i am not this body that imprisons me.
look hard at my stripes, thereβll be no more after me.
sing for the damage weβve done and the worse things that weβll do.
i know youβd kill me if you could stand the sight of blood.
i can see the future, itβs a real dark place.
iβm doing this for revenge.
john rambo never went to vietnam.
i am healthy, i am whole. but i have poor impulse control.
i wanna go home, but i am home.
iβm going to get my perfect body back someday.
if not by faith then by the sword iβm going to be restored.
and i can't think of one thing in this whole wide blessed world that's more dangerous and frightening than you when you get bored.
i am coming home to you with my own blood in my mouth.
i am coming home to you if itβs the last thing that i do.
youβre the last best thing iβve got going.
so i follow you down your twisting alleyways, find a few cul-de-sacs of my own.
thereβs only one place this road ever ends up and i donβt wanna die alone.
wake up sixty minutes after my head hits the pillow. i canβt live like this.
believe in your heart and confess with your lips. surely you will be saved one day.
wait as long as i have to for good news.
a kind and loving god wonβt let my small ship run aground.
no one hopes to hear the bagman call.
no friends closer than the ones we lost.
no greater love than to lay my life down for a friend.
look high: itβs my last hope!
i need justice in my life, here it comes.
iβve been told itβs real sweet to grow old.
i donβt mean it when i tell you βi donβt love you anymoreβ.
whatβll i do when i donβt have you? when i finally get what i deserve?
you canβt give me back what youβve taken. but you can give me something thatβs almost as good.
look at the person iβve turned into. tell me, how do you like him now?
i am right where you want me. do what you brought me out here for.
you can arm me to the teeth, you canβt make me go to war.
iβm under no illusion as to what i meant to you.
but you made an impression. sometimes i still feel the bruise.
hi! I hope it's okay to ask, but what inspired the connection between ianto and the fae for you?
hi ! of course it's okay to ask , thank you so much for asking actually ! the connection is kind of out of the blue , and i get that ( and have actually received some shit for it bc people are wild ) it isn't gonna be everyone's thing , but for me it comes from what a cool freakin concept the chosen ones were . like , here are kids that aren't loved well enough and aren't treated right and here is something so old and powerful and innate to the earth that treasures them more than anything .
also , i knew i wanted the thing that kept ianto alive to be something that changed him on a fundamental level . he is so young when he ' dies ' and every time he had to live through something i think it just became apparent that he was barely in his mid twenties . nothing was gonna break the mask he wore faster than having this boy who grew up judged and left out and bruised realise that everything he survived and all the madness he endured had come from something trying to protect him . it's the same reason i changed the faceclaim , bc despite loving gdl , i wanted a face that looked just a little less perfect and more breakable .
i want , in the modern part of his timeline β which i'm writing now β ianto to be something more relaxed than he is in canon and the start of ' pterodactyl and the cyberwoman ' in his backstory , but more sane than i leave him at the end of ' a new frontier ' . i haven't quite decided how i'm going to do that though yet lol .
tl;dr ? smthn ab the poetry in perfect stitches being easiest to rip and people growing into the person they needed when they were younger .