#3 at the Kessel run

So I decide to take control of the situation. You know what? you pissed me off.  I'm not talking to you today. It's the best thing for me. Maybe if you talk to me I'll talk to you, but I'll keep my distance. And so you talk to me. And so I keep my distance. And you say to me two little phrases that get me head over heels with you again. Now you won't talk to me anymore. Now I feel pathetic. FUCK, I thought that kind of manipulation only happened in movies.

As I read the last post I noticed that it seemed much more like a "oooh I'm so in love it hurts" kinda post than a "ohhhh I'm fucked up as hell and regreting every descision I've made on the last couple months" kinda post, wich as the intention. So I wanted to add a few things. At some point I talked about the girls using the word "it". Well, as you can imagine, it was a distraction, powered by the fact that I was sobbing the whole time I wrote that and that english is not my native language. I also want to add that I do not blame this girl for every shit that's going on with me. I brought all of this upon myself. The girl screwed up a few times, but well..she warned me right? I am really pissed off at myself. I think is necessary to put some other things in context as well. The whole "flashes of she banging another guy" deal comes from the fact that I recently "found out" that she's using Tinder again. We agreed to stop using it after we started "dating", but well, like I said, it's not like we're a couple anymore. (oh yeah! The irony, the karma of it all. If my ex ever reads this she's gonna laugh her ass off with this part, with every right, since I met the girl on tinder). Oh, that's something I wanna talk about as well. I didn't wanted to treat them as "the girl" and MOSTLY not "My ex", since that mean I'm defining her based on her previous relationship with me. I did it so I wouldn't expose any of them by using their names. I'm sorry. Back to the facts to put you guys in context. At some point I mention the stupid advices I'm recieving. That's fucking my life as well. I know that my friends have the best intentions. But it's hard to think clearly when, on one side, one of them is saying "just ignore her! You're being pathetic with this girl, she's only gonna break your heart. All you have to do is make her miss you so you can havensex with her anytime you want". And on the other side another friend goes "whoa, why didn't you wait out on the street a little longer! I know you know what's best for you, but you guys make a great couple. I want to meet her so bad, you look so in love! Go for it!" Then a third friend says "well, you know this girl is known for being into relationships, right? Like, she's always dating someone" and I think "So what's the problem with me, then???" And finally, a friend of mine for 8 years does not want talk about the subject because she stands out by my ex, who's also her friend. And I totally get her. I mean, I wouldn't stand by me either. SO, I think I'll stop spamming your dashboard with my shit from now on. If you guys wanna send some support, some advice or anything like that I'll be happy to read it. I really need it.

Well, I drank a fuckload of coffee, so for my few followers, here's what's going on with my life. I broke up with my 5 years girlfriend recently. I don't feel like writing a lot about this now, because, every second that I remember what I did to her I wanna die. Every minute I think about her I feel like I deserve everything that I'm going through. And even though I do deserve it, remembering this does not make it any easier. I'll just say that I cheated on her with some girl I met online, whom I felt (and still feel) I was in love with. Yeah, easy like that. One night with her, in her bed, without even kissing each other, just talking AND BAM, I was in love with her. Enough to make break up with my five years girlfriend. Even though I felt I could hide the whole cheating deal from my ex, at least I did not do that. Well, the part where I'm "the good guy" (yeah, right) stops there. I ended our relationship in the most disgusting way by just letting her know that it was over using a few half-truths as excuse. Fuck...I'll stop writing about this now, as it literally makes me think about suicide. Anyway. There I was now. Single, but seeing this girl, whom, even though I never felt it was pretier than my ex, I felt it was pretier in a different way. A way that always made me think "oh, this kind of girl would never look at me". And when she did, when we finally kissed and had sex...Idk, I think I just got off on feeling powerfull, and beautiful. Something that people ALWAYS made sure I was feeling. I never felt ugly in my past few years, but I'm a jerk, and, of course when the "she'll never look at me" kinda girl told me I was in her top ten...well, that meant the world to me. STUPID STUPID STUPID. But don't get me wrong, things were awesome by that time. Everytime I would start feeling bad about my breakup, I'd just had some sex, made out a little bit and everything was great! So one night (not more than four or five days after the breakup) both of us half drunk, lying naked in her bed started talking about relationships. She asked me "so? How would you feel about starting another relationship so soon?". I went through the fucking roof, I was so happy. We had such a great connection, the way we talked, it was like we had met years earlier. And she said the exact same things to me! I answered "Well, I'm not the kinda guy who usuallys hooks up a lot when single, and I like to be in relationships, so I would totally go for it". She seemed happy, but then she started going on about how she was a bad person, how she did not deserved anyone as good as me. I told her that, well, I had just been the worst motherfucker with my ex, so I could not vouch for my goodness. But then again I wasn't looking for perfect, but for someone I could share things. We stoped talking about the subject and slept together that night. When we woke up she kept saying the loveliest things, how she never felt like that, she never woke up so happy with someone before and I had to go home, but I kept looking at her, in her bed, half asleep, and going back for another kiss, another hug. SO, a few days pass and I go over to her place again. I say that we have to talk about those things that had been said on the bed the other day. She agrees. She asks me, like 500 times, if I was sure I wanted to do that. I said I was. I was. I asked her if she was. She said she was. So, by the end of the talk, she and I were oficially a couple. YAY, that was GREAT. We slept together again that night. It was incredible. We agreed, though, that we would keep things in secret. First, obviously because of my recent break up, then because she didn't wanted her mother (who lives in another town) freaking out about a guy going in her daughter's place everyday. Well, I did not tell anyone, thank god. I only told my closest friend that things might become serious. She, on the other hand, introduced me to all of her friends as her boyfriend, made plans to tell her mother on the next weekend and so on. I was ok with that. I felt so passionate about her, and she did it too about me, acording to her. So she spends the weekend in her hometown. We exchanged messages the whole time. Emojis of hearts, and cute pictures of her red hair and those fucking beautiful freckles after she stood in the sun. (yeah, this is me getting all in love with her before this text ends. I'm pathetic. I'll try to gather up my anger about today to keep writing). When she got back we decided to go to a movie. It was going to be our first "romantic" night out, without any of her...let's say crazy friends. Just to add the irony, I was talking to my mom and grandma about this "girl I'd been seeing for a while" when my phone rings. She starts sending me messages about how confused she was, and how fast things were going, and that she wanted some time to think and maybe slow things down a bit. I respected her, it had been fast as fuck indeed. So I gave her space. We did not see each other and barely spoke for four days. So, after I insisted a bit, she asked me over to her place. We got drunk again, hooked up, had sex, and then she started crying, saying she still didn't know what to do about us. That she was sure she was gonna break my heart (spot on), that she still needed to think. Well, I kept respecting that. I really liked her. I really like her. We were still distant when I invited myself to her place with for some pizza and some reality tv. She accepted. That night we did not got drunk. She hugged me and said she still needed to think, she wasn't sure about what to do yet. We barely kissed. But we stood ther, cuddling, and smiling at each other. She told me she was very happy I went there, I told her I was very happy as well. But that was it. No intense sex, no hooking up, no nothing. OF COURSE, all that did, was make me fall even harder for the girl. So it came another weekend with her away, we did not spoke too much, but exchanged some pictures, had a couple laughs and all that. So here we are. Onto today. After following some stupid friend's advice in the likes of "ignore her! She'll come for you". We talked a lot last night. I thought "you know what? Fuck it, I like this girl, I really want to see her again" So the talk was fun! We laughed, things were good. So this morning I texted her asking if she wanted to go out for a couple of beers. She said "sure! I'll go to the movies with my sister, but after that I'm free". She even told me she probably wasn't drinking, because she woke up feeling sick. That conforted me "oh, great, so she isn't doing it for the beer"! So I said "well, text me when you're free and we'll meet". The movie was supposed to be over, like, 9:30 pm. I felt like some japanese food so I went out, 9 pm to get me some, so I could meet her afterwards. As you can guess I'm still waiting for her text. Stayed out on the street 'till midnight, no answer. She logged on to facebook, liked something I posted. I asked her "so? Have you given up on going out or something?". It's 2:35 AM, she still have not seen the message, but she was online on facebook for a few times since then. I know that when I write it like this I sound like a teenager frustrated by a plan that went wrong, tomorrow she'll probably say she fell asleep or something. But I just cannot understand what's going on. I do not know if anything she says is true! Why didn't she texted me saying "oh, can we reschedule?". And the fucked up thing is, she already told me she does that sorta stuff, so I should just relax, right? Wrong, because among the other things she told me there were stuff like "when I'm not into someone I don't say it, I just act like a jerk 'till the guys hates my gut" or the "I will break your heart stuff". And then I freaked out. Because I got jealous. Crazy jealous. I kept having flashes of her having sex with some other guy while ignoring my messages, flashes of her at a party carefully opening her facebook app in a way not to see my message. And the jealousness is not what freaked me out. It was the fact that I felt that way. Because it took me five long years to learn how to deal with this craziness, always supported by the saint that was my ex girlfriend. And, as easy as I dumped her, my mind regressed. I'm now even more imature than I was in 2009. And by the looks of it, this new girl whom I'm in love with, is not going to be there when I needed it. AND YOU KNOW WHO SURELY WOULD? My ex? Whom I fucked up. OH, and there's this as well! As I stood there laughing, having sex, making out, and all that jazz, my ex was lonely and feeling like shit! I couldn't even email her saying how sorry I was for the shitty person I became, because everytime I tried, all I could do was cry. So I feel even worse that I'm feeling this bad! Can you people understand!? Like, I had it all my way. I had my ex until the day I wanted, then I had other arms to run to, as she cried. HOW THE FUCK AM I ENTITLED THE RIGHT TO FEEL BAD? She has that right. I don't believe in a god, but I pray every night that she's over with that sadness. That she found someone who really deserves her love, who really deserves to spend life with the most incredible woman I've ever met. SO HOW CAN I SUFFER BECAUSE THE GIRL DID NOT WENT OUT WITH ME TODAY? I deserve much MUCH worse for what I did. And this tought scares the living shit outta me. And I keep thinking...if things don't turn out well with this girl I am with now, will I found someone else? The person I want to be with for the rest of my life? Someone as beautiful on the outside and on the inside. Then I remember that I had already found that person, and threw her away. And that thought scares me as well. My parents are going to be out of the country for the next couple weeks. I'm really woried for myself with all the loneliness. The girl is going away as well on the 20th, so I guess that'll make things a bit easier. But I'm really scared about this few days of me, alone, thinking that this girl is just a few miles from home and she does not want to see me. Finally, I have no idea what'll happen tomorrow. Is she gonna talk to me? What if she does? Will she say she' sorry? What if she doesn't? Should I talk to her? Tell her how I felt? Or just forget it, because, you know, we are nothing. Should I ask her out again? I don't want to ask me those things. I don't want this complication. I want love. The kind I had. The kind I'll never have again.

I've always loved Ryan Adams. I've always loved seeing myself in his songs. Always heartbroken by some evil, rutheless significant other who treats him like shit and whom he cannot forget or let it go. Fuck, I even have the fucking cold rose tattoo on my chest. And, dear reader, do not get me wrong, I could still relate this hell I'm going through with this devil that walked into my life (wich I am even more guilty of letting her in) with A LOT of Ryan's songs. But earlier today I was driving around town, with nowhere to go (I do that a lot nowadays, so my parents won't worry that I stayed in bed the whole day. I just tell them that I feel like coffee, or that I'm meeting some friends) and I was listening to Fix It, from Cardinology, and them I noticed: I TURNED INTO THE FUCKING VILLAIN FROM A RYAN ADAMS SONG. I mean, what made me walk away after all those years? How easy was for me to make those plans I made, before she became something for me, you know, to dislocate? GOD ONLY KNOWS what I'd do to fix all that shit. But I won't I'll just feel like shit, just like the main characters in his songs, and I'll just act shitty like the bad guy in most of them too. I know that tumblr is a place where everyone helps each other, but I also know I do not have many followers. I really feel like writing here about what I'm going through, since pratically none of you know me. So, maybe, I will do that. I don't know, I don't know why I wrote that last part.

Se você ainda lê isso daqui, só quero que você saiba que você tava certa. Não sou homem o bastante pra te mandar isso por email. Não sou nem fui homem o bastante pra nada. Mas você estava certa. Eu fodi minha vida, Eu posso ter levado quase um mês pra perceber, e a ficha pode ter caído só quando eu passei por wedding wars na lista do newtflix, mas eu percebi. Tudo aquilo que você falou que eu ia perceber. Eu não podia ter feito o que eu fiz. Memtido como eu menti, eu não podia ter me apaixonado por outra pessoa e me deixado levar por isso. Eu tinha TUDO e eu abri mão. O pior foi que eu sei que essa dor que eu to sentido não se equipara com a sua. Eu quero falar "eu acho que você vai ficar feliz de saber que minha nova paixão não tá rendendo", mas eu sei que você não é escrota e não tá torcendo pelo meu mal. E eu queria ser melhor e ter tido esse surto que eu to tendo agora quando estivesse tudo bem comigo, pra você não achar que eu só estou mal em relação a você porque a outra não tá me fazendo feliz, mas nem isso eu posso dizer. Me desculpa. Me desculpa pelos cinco anos e pelo que eu fiz com eles no final. Eu só quero que saiba que eu penso em você a todo momento, Espero que um dia você possa lembrar de mim como eu era, não como essa sombra de gente que eu virei. Eu te amo, para sempre. Desculpa.