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@1305-11
You owe it to yourself to see how great it can get.

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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I lost half of my life to my trauma. Theres a lot I need to make up for.
On second note - letās change the narrative. Iām so excited and canāt wait to marry you.
7/9/24 1302
Iāve had some good days but the feelings are creeping in again. I donāt know what they are or how to explain it. I donāt even know what itās about anymore
Is it that Iām not coping with the change? Or that Iām overwhelmed with the monotony of everyday life? Or the fact that weāre all getting older and Iām not young anymore? That doesnāt even make sense. It kinda comes in waves, but everything around me is moving so fast. I dreamt of all this happening and wanted it asap, but now that it is i think im scared.
1742 20/8/24
I know I only write when Iām feeling bad so Iāll write now to prove otherwise. I had a good chat with T and felt better after. Went for a nice walk with pounce. Focusing on the here and now and not worrying about anything else.

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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18/8/24 2104
Why do I keep feeling like this? I keep imagining scenarios in my head and it feels real, like my brain trying to convince me ? I feel like Iām almost distracted to what is going on around me cause Iām so stuck up there. I feel horrible.
1456 15/8/24
Anxious, stressed, nervous, overwhelmed.
My thoughts keep spiraling and my mind is trying to make up scenarios that upset and scare me so much. I want to run and escape. Why is this so triggering? The pressure? Am I drained from other parts in my life and Iām zoning in on this? I love him so much it hurts. And Iām scared.
I think Iām so overwhelmed in my life with two really major stressful things going on and Iām trying to hold myself together and being a logical person I think Iām trying to search for a reason or create one? Which then is causing more stress.
12/8/24 1140
Feel so emotional and drained. Like heaviness that is hard to shake off.
25/7/24 2048
āThereās nothing more than I want is to be with you and watch the sunriseā
Itās wild to me how I thought I was over my traumas and insecurities but they are still there. I see our life as old nonni and I want it so bad, so why canāt I get past this anxiety? I want to work on this.
16/7/24 2220
I think for so long I have had this idgaf attitude, like I donāt need him or anyone, as a defence mechanism. And I think for a while that may be true. But now, to be faced with the realisation that itās actually the total opposite, that I do need him and donāt want to lose him, is making me really fucking scared. Itās like i have resorted to my default push away to almost create a situation thatās not there? To like trigger the situation to come true to show that I was right? (When Iām really not).
I am scared and thatās why Iām needing and wanting the extra reassurance / love. Iām scared because I care, and thatās okay.

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23/6/24 1540
I canāt help but be emotional about it but Iām starting to think itās all stemming from fear, and my self sabotage ways are intergecting to try validate that fear, when in reality it really shouldnāt. Because the other option makes me more upset, and almost feeds into the self sabotage ways of isolating myself.
Itās so hard to seperate the irrational thoughts from my own true feelings when the thoughts are my own voice.
13/6/24 2157
Feeling anxious. I have moments when Iām excited / happy about it all then other times when this emotion creeps back in and it stresses me out so much. Is it the fear of commitment? But that doesnāt make sense because I was totally fine before all of this and have been committed for ages. Sometimes I think itās because of what happened and then to me, marriage ends or doesnāt go well. I had a dream he cheated and I felt so funny when I woke up, then I had a dream that I cheated also. Unresolved feelings? I feel like I want to cry but I canāt even.
So am I trying to run away and create an issue thatās not actually there? Or is this a feeling? Either way I look at it Iām upset. I donāt want to lose you and the thought of that makes me upset. Is it a self sabotage thing? Its so funny cause when I thought it wasnāt happening for ages I actually got upset and wanted it, now thatās happened Iām feeling another way.
I am also triggered upset about needing to lose weight. Its like Iām putting it off and itās starting to make me binge again. The stress of new job also Iām sure doesnāt help.
7/3/24 0041
Tonight was a really bad night. For no real particular reason which makes it even worse. Is it a fear of losing you? Am I pushing you away? Anxiety is so high rn and itās becoming really hard to stay grounded. How do you block out those thoughts when itās spoken in your own voice?
7/12/23 1054
I want to avoid everyone and everything.
Im getting so anxious and stressed. This should be such a happy time in my life and all I want to do is cry??? I am so confused. I feel horrible that I feel this way. I felt so much better after talking about it last night but now then feeling has come back. Am I overwhelmed with the planning? Am I overwhelmed about the decision? Thatās strsssing me out even more. I donāt want to hurt anyone. My thoughts were racing.
Im trying to lean into it all and push past this. But Iām really struggling. Why canāt I be happy about it????? WTF
14:43 8/10/23
Itās been a moment.
I just feel so overwhelmed. Have felt funny for a couple of days and things have just been stockpiling I think. Almost like I felt smothered. All these amazing things are happening to me and around me recently and I should be so happy but all I feel like doing is crying. I feel so anxious and overwhelmed. I called F and had a cry about what I thought it originally was about but I think the overarching theme is always going back to me not feeling good enough or that I donāt deserve these things?
But at the same time I then flick back to freaking out about is this a genuine feeling or is this my brain trying to back out of something out of fear? How do I even talk to you about this so you understand without hurting you? I feel like I make sure everyone else around me is fine but donāt take care of myself.
I just had to get out of the house I felt so trapped almost but came for a walk to the cemetery. Itās so pretty here. Then the guilt kicked in about me crying over what feels like irrational fears when there are people with loved ones here feeling real grief and sadness.
I want to look forward to my future but I just donāt know what to do. Trying to stay rational. :(

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5/9/22 0047
I feel so fucking triggered. I canāt believe this has happened again. I canāt see how you could do this to me again. My heart feels so heavy and I havenāt stopped crying. I donāt even know if this even affects you, I feel like it doesnāt. I hate the person I just became. Why the fuck did I just do that Iām so mad FUCKING HELL. Itās like Iām repeating my parents actions and I hate that. Itās me and you. It shouldāve always been me and you.
I donāt know what to do now. Where to go from here. I hate that this has happened now. We were in such a good place. What does this mean?
Iām not sure š