Everything I Will Never Be Able To Say.

I’ve had some good days but the feelings are creeping in again. I don’t know what they are or how to explain it. I don’t even know what it’s about anymore

Anxious, stressed, nervous, overwhelmed.

My thoughts keep spiraling and my mind is trying to make up scenarios that upset and scare me so much. I want to run and escape. Why is this so triggering? The pressure? Am I drained from other parts in my life and I’m zoning in on this? I love him so much it hurts. And I’m scared.

“There’s nothing more than I want is to be with you and watch the sunrise”

I think for so long I have had this idgaf attitude, like I don’t need him or anyone, as a defence mechanism. And I think for a while that may be true. But now, to be faced with the realisation that it’s actually the total opposite, that I do need him and don’t want to lose him, is making me really fucking scared. It’s like i have resorted to my default push away to almost create a situation that’s not there? To like trigger the situation to come true to show that I was right? (When I’m really not).

I can’t help but be emotional about it but I’m starting to think it’s all stemming from fear, and my self sabotage ways are intergecting to try validate that fear, when in reality it really shouldn’t. Because the other option makes me more upset, and almost feeds into the self sabotage ways of isolating myself.

Feeling anxious. I have moments when I’m excited / happy about it all then other times when this emotion creeps back in and it stresses me out so much. Is it the fear of commitment? But that doesn’t make sense because I was totally fine before all of this and have been committed for ages. Sometimes I think it’s because of what happened and then to me, marriage ends or doesn’t go well. I had a dream he cheated and I felt so funny when I woke up, then I had a dream that I cheated also. Unresolved feelings? I feel like I want to cry but I can’t even.

So am I trying to run away and create an issue that’s not actually there? Or is this a feeling? Either way I look at it I’m upset. I don’t want to lose you and the thought of that makes me upset. Is it a self sabotage thing? Its so funny cause when I thought it wasn’t happening for ages I actually got upset and wanted it, now that’s happened I’m feeling another way.

I want to avoid everyone and everything.

Im getting so anxious and stressed. This should be such a happy time in my life and all I want to do is cry??? I am so confused. I feel horrible that I feel this way. I felt so much better after talking about it last night but now then feeling has come back. Am I overwhelmed with the planning? Am I overwhelmed about the decision? That’s strsssing me out even more. I don’t want to hurt anyone. My thoughts were racing.

It’s been a moment.

I just feel so overwhelmed. Have felt funny for a couple of days and things have just been stockpiling I think. Almost like I felt smothered. All these amazing things are happening to me and around me recently and I should be so happy but all I feel like doing is crying. I feel so anxious and overwhelmed. I called F and had a cry about what I thought it originally was about but I think the overarching theme is always going back to me not feeling good enough or that I don’t deserve these things?

But at the same time I then flick back to freaking out about is this a genuine feeling or is this my brain trying to back out of something out of fear? How do I even talk to you about this so you understand without hurting you? I feel like I make sure everyone else around me is fine but don’t take care of myself.

I just had to get out of the house I felt so trapped almost but came for a walk to the cemetery. It’s so pretty here. Then the guilt kicked in about me crying over what feels like irrational fears when there are people with loved ones here feeling real grief and sadness.

I feel so fucking triggered. I can’t believe this has happened again. I can’t see how you could do this to me again. My heart feels so heavy and I haven’t stopped crying. I don’t even know if this even affects you, I feel like it doesn’t. I hate the person I just became. Why the fuck did I just do that I’m so mad FUCKING HELL. It’s like I’m repeating my parents actions and I hate that. It’s me and you. It should’ve always been me and you.

I don’t know what to do now. Where to go from here. I hate that this has happened now. We were in such a good place. What does this mean?