eleven twenty three

It brings up thoughts of mummy really not being here which now makes me sad. Sigh

I'm not gonna lie.. these days, I feel weird... I need to get my head back in the game but my focus is not there.

God, thank you.

For the first time in a long time, I'm not worried about what comes next. God has seen me through the darkest times, and I trust that he will see me through whatever is ahead of me.

She's my favourite of all my favourites, my greatest love and the best thing that has ever happened in my life.

This first month has been filled with an embarrassing number of minutes just looking at her, an embarrassing number of pictures taken, hugs, diaper changes, and conversations.

You started a bit rough, the lows that come after the highs. I was at a place I hated being mentally and emotionally but thankfully a month in the good vibes started flowing again. There were a few bumps headed in to month two but I could definitely say months 3 to 8 brought me some of my biggest smiles and the best thing that had ever happened to me. In year 33 I got to see my favourite comedian, visit a new country for the first time but above all else I got to feel my greatest blessing, joy and love growing inside me. I hate that during this year I also experienced the lowest I've ever felt and I hate how much tears I shed in the past 3 months. In this final month I've been trying my best to fix the broken parts and end on a strong note but God knows some days is easier than others. 33 when I look back on you it'll always be with sone heartache but definitely also with some smiles.

I learned to let my walls down

I learned to forgive myself

I learned to stand up for myself

I learned to be brave

I learned to love

I felt hurt

I felt love

I felt pain

I felt the greatest joy

You're about to enter a crazy world filled with bad things and people as well as amazing things and people. As scared as I am to have a daughter, I'm happy to be giving you a life with aunts and uncles that are going to love you and protect you for their entire life

My love, there is nothing that I wouldn't do to make your life better, from this point on you are my world and I promised every day to show you how much I love you.

I know there will be times i fall short but know that I'll always try to be better. This world is yours to do whatever your mind decides and I'll support you through it all .

I know while you are in my belly at times you will feel my sadness but I want you to always know you are my greatest joy. I've longed for the moment where I could become a mom and I'm going to always be the mom that you deserve.

You were conceived in love and you will always be surrounded by love.

So now I'm here happy yes, content with where I am personally yes but knowing there's a part of me that will always want what I wanted. I guess that's one thing I'll never fully be able to change... wanting things the way I want it.

For a while tho I gave up on it tho. Hoping for my version of happily ever after. Ijust didn't know how to accept something different.

NOW

I wonder what are his demons that lead him to feeling Cudi's music so deeply, I wonder what I could've done differently to help male it better. I feel terrible for not being able to stick around for him and I feel terrible that I feel guilty about choosing me. I know I was losing a battle no one knew about but I still wish I could've done better.

Over 5 years or trying and failing. Getting to the point where I felt like this was going to be my forever then accepting that right now I had to fight for me. Knowing that I had already placed him in my future and me walking away meant I also gave up on the things I wanted the most.

I watched the documentary seeing the ups and downs the moments when he put on a brave face and hid how he felt even from the people closest to him and I wish I could've been better stronger braver to be there for him. I wish I could've stuck around so he would've trusted me enough to allow me to help him carry the burdens. And I wish I was in a better place to fight my demons without walking away from him.

I'm listening to Pursuit of happiness now and the tears are back in full force. I hope he is able to get past the darkness, I hope he never gives up. I hope he know that I'll always love him and will be there to help him if he needed me. I hope he know that the part of my heart that is his will always be his.

I don't judge him for his choices and I'm no longer mad. I don't understand it I don't understand him at all. I always thought I did until tonight. Because as I listen to these songs I know it's a lot deeper than I could've imagined. He always quoted "i hope they understand that I really understand that they don't understand" and I thought except me but I was wrong. I don't.

I think now I'm crying all the tears I've avoided. I'm sorry to him. I'm sorry to me.