uH, hi, tumblr, havenāt used you in a while. Iāve been stuck in my room while I wait for my test results, and itās been hard. I havenāt fully lost my mind, but the breakdown I had on Day 3 could have said otherwise. wanna know what Iām up to? nothing. Iāve literally just laid in bed watching parks and rec or community. honestly, parks and rec has kept me pretty sane, and it makes me laugh. I havenāt laughed in a while. I laugh with my friends, but thatās because Iām intoxicated. I havenāt cleaned my room in months. I havenāt showered in a couple of days. Iām bed ridden. wanna know what I really miss? cooking and baking. I havenāt done that for my own pleasure in months. I canāt do that now since Iām potentially positive. my heart hurts, reader. I hung out with my friends last Saturday, but I havenāt talked to them. I basically cut them off. Iāve contemplated suicide for a few months now. I always think about it, and joke about it, but I actually wrote my letter a couple times. things got really dark, and I couldnāt get out of my head. I was stuck. I actually tried a few weeks ago, but managed to talk myself down. I tried doing it one night after hanging out with my friends. everything was blurry. it was hard. I felt alone. no one knows about this, and nobody knew about what was going on because I looked fine, right? I was happy, out, and about with my friends, right? nobody asked how I was doing. how do you tell someone, āhey, I tried to kill myself last night, but I obviously didnāt because Iām still here, so how are you?ā anyways, I talked to my dad last night about some of the things going on. it hurt telling him I didnāt want to live anymore. hearing him cry, and not getting to hug him hurt so much. I didnāt go into much detail because I couldnāt hurt him anymore. my mom wants me to see a therapist, but I canāt afford to do that to them right now. Iāll deal with it alone like I have been. the only reason I donāt do it is because of the two people who love me unconditionally. I canāt hurt them like that, but itās so hard. I donāt want to do anything, I donāt want to work, I donāt want to finish school. I have zero motivation. Iām mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausted. Iām broken. Iām alone. Iām tired...
kaledo-art
andulkaphoto
snowghoul
romaincrisis
