nightlight

i managed to find another site i can actually use. im going to be reuploading everything so far to it so theres more of a chance of someone who can help finding it. it basically seems just like youtube but... old, i guess.

ever get tired of yourself? wish beyond hope that someone, something else would come along to distract you, make you forget about yourself. ive been dying for exactly that. no matter where i turn, what i do, if im not seeing the raven, im seeing myself. a little sickening how in a house with no light, theres a huge mirror in the bedroom. especially when the last thing i want to see is myself.

well, im still here. its like the more i think about taking a step forward, i get more stuck than before. the few instances i can force myself out of the bed are to retread parts ive already walked through a hundred times. i know the system of the house, or the raven i guess if its whats behind me being here, but i dont know what memories it wants me to rediscover.

but happy halloween to you all anyway. im sorry if the sentiment doesnt seem entirely sincere from me, its just... they were never a big thing for me. always saw them as a concept and societal obligation. but with halloween in particular i can see an exception now. its been reframed for me. because i know that monsters are real. i discovered that after my family and i got to amberbulk.

from the very first day, i remember seeing multiple kinds of strange creatures. the raven, at the least, was one of them. the weird thing about the place is that things like this existing around was normal to them... it never felt normal to me, though. halloween became something equal parts fun and exciting and genuinely terrifying. at first my parents tell me when im going to sleep that monsters dont exist and that im safe. then we get here and by the time of halloween, not only do monsters actually exist, but here humans are still dressing up to be them.