Moonlit Thoughts

"I fear who I might become", is what I said.

After months apart you somehow found your way back by my side, sipping half of my vodka cranberry out a red solo cup bearing my name.

Our lips touch the same rim like the foreshadowing of a kiss. Can we stay like this forever?

You have always been beautiful to me, but it was never your body that I lingered on. To me, you were as pure as light.

Without warning, the memory of you ravages my mind, and I am left hollow and haunted.

Out into murky, cold depths

In search of your once familiar warmth.

The net I draw up however,

is filled with salty, slimy ink from the wells within your heart.

It's not a common question to ask, and I'll admit that it caught me off guard.

What I was actually surprised by however,

Was how I near immediately recited the number of yours.

In the moment I could barely remember my own,

And sometimes I feel like I've never hated anyone one more.

Sometimes I feel like I'll love you til the day I die

And sometimes I feel like I'll die before really knowing what it is

to love you.

You are not kind, you are not good, and not only did you go out of your way,

But you chose to hurt me.

Why then would you speak of me so gently, even now?

When you thought I wouldn't find out,

You told someone you've never liked someone like you had liked me.

How could you,

Just when I thought I was getting over you.

If you hadn't done what you did, if you would've told me,

I could've forgiven you.

But you didn't tell me, I had to find out on my own

And now, any connection with you would be a total disrespect to myself.

Now that summer has passed, and the winter chill has begun to set in,

I find myself near-incredulous that I'm not still within your warmth as I once was.

I can barely remember you now,

And what I do remember reminds me exactly why we should never speak again.

I get a lot of people asking me why I ever loved you.

I could say it was your smile,

Your mind,

Your heart,

But even if you hadn't any of those traits

I think I'd still love you.

There are no words to describe it,

Some things are better left accepted even if not understood

Don't care to know,

Maybe in another life, them and I would've been friends,

But you've ruined that.

In the afternoon, you held me tender while whispering words of adoration,

Then at night you'd lay with them,

And wake the next morning to spend the day with me.

But, you were so kind?

I felt like you loved me,

Didn't you?

Is the way you held my hands and kissed my sleeping eyes not proof enough?

Then why after all your kindness

Can I still not trust you?

Do I let my knowledge of your past define you,

Or do I trust that you aren't that person anymore.

The end was always in sight, but we did our best to prolong it.

And yes, it will hurt like hell when you go, but the pain of losing you will let me know I'm alive.

To live is to hurt, to love, to feel their whisper dance like leaves on the wind

Despite the pain,

I'm just glad to have known you.

There's not a thought in my head that doesn't circle right back to you.

There never will be.

But still I have to ask,

Why would you hold my hand

And offer to sculpt us a world where we are one

If in the end, all you were going to do is let the clay dry before even throwing it on the wheel?

"I'd like to see you more"

What else could I do?

Your head was on my shoulder

Your fingers were gently stroking my hair,

And tracing hidden meanings

up

And

Down

My arm

A wave of relief washed over me

And I felt that in that moment,

I could've lived a thousand years