Heremita

Starting with when and why I created her. Sometime in 2023 I went to an EMDR therapy session. I hadn’t really done any research into EMDR, so I was kind of expecting to be hooked up to a machine or shocked, and then I’d start remembering things. But what actually happened was my therapist handed me two joysticks that would vibrate from my left hand to my right hand, and a headset that beeped left to right in unison. She had me close my eyes, and when I heard the beeps and felt the vibrations, I had to move my eyes left to right in rhythm with them.

When she explained it, I felt a little disappointed. It sounded like holistic medicine. And I know holistic medicine has its uses, but growing up with a crunchy mom gave me a pretty strong aversion to it later in life. Still, I went through with it.

She dimmed the lights and asked me to put myself back in time to whatever event caused the problem. I couldn’t really pinpoint one thing. I have CPTSD, so it wasn’t just one or two events that caused everything. Then, suddenly, I was at work. Not in a resurfaced memory, literally at work, working. I had blocked out the EMDR session and the day after entirely. (Not the actual days, just an example: I was in therapy on Monday, I looked at my phone, and it was Wednesday.) I checked my punch history and saw I’d clocked in and out like normal the day before. I didn’t remember going home or anything.

That’s happened before though. Going on autopilot, just moving through the motions without really taking in the information of the day, so I wasn’t super worried. I just thought the EMDR hadn’t worked. But then days and weeks went by, and I started having vivid nightmares. They didn’t make much sense. It was mostly smells and emotions and sounds. Then I’d get random flashbacks. Eventually, I had a full-on breakdown at work. My manager was mad about something. He’s very ?intense/theatrical?, and I took it way more seriously than I probably should have. I couldn’t stop crying.

I have health insurance and therapy through my job, but it only kicks in after I reach my deductible (3k), so it wasn’t much help. I’ve always used art as a coping mechanism, but it was pretty disorganized, and I could never explain, even to myself, what each piece actually meant. Eventually, I ended up sketching this angel.

I finally started to actually plan out my art instead of just using bases, photos, or starting and hoping it turned out. Her design is simple, but each part has meaning. Her hair is based on my dog, Fluffy. I had him for about fourteen years. He used to sleep in my room at night, follow me around if I got too far from home, and keep our house and animals safe from other dogs and coyotes.

Her rosary represents religious OCD, symbolizing the compulsion and repetition.

She has multiple halos, and I change up the halo to fit whatever scenario she is currently in. But her main one is barbed wire.

I grew up almost completely isolated. I wasn’t allowed to go to school, I wasn’t allowed to talk to anyone really. I lived in the middle of nowhere. I thought this was funny when I was a kid, when my dad would tell me not to tell anyone about what goes on in our house, I would reply, “who am I gonna tell? the cows?” But looking back that’s kind of eugh. The barbed wire represents the trapped childhood, and more literally, the cow pastures that surrounded me.

Her other halos are colorful mosaic, representing childhood innocence and happiness; a galaxy graduation cap, symbolizing education and the many paths it opens; solid red, representing dissociation and fixation. Sometimes I just use a classic gold hoop for simplicity.

Her clothes and wings are white. Usually white represents purity, innocence, and cleanliness, but I also associate it with emptiness. I remember thinking of that scene in SpongeBob where Squidward gets trapped in some other dimension. It’s just white with some random squares of color. Sometimes I put a spiral in her wings because I really like spirals.

She has a pony version too. Her cutie mark is a brain with a hole in it, pierced by three crosses. It’s based on the three of hearts tarot card, which has its own symbolism. Both the reversed and upright meanings apply. The brain with a hole is for the memory gaps and illnesses. The green heart on her hoof is for nature.