LovelyCrush

I'm too young for this shit. Who isn't though. I've decided to use this space as my confession.

No false or forced positivity. No bullshit. I'm too tired.

Here's to the start of my transparent story.

I have degenerative and progressive diease/neurological disorder. RA and essential tremors. Ra is degenerative. ET is progressive. I move through ME/CFS or chronic fatigue syndrome due to autoimmune dysfunction.

I'm not alone. I'm not complex. I am tired. I hurt. I push and it gets damn tough. This is more than I normally would ever share.

Lol yet here I am.

If I'm having a tough go, and this happens to find you struggling my hope is that you choose this next moment. The next breath and even perhaps the next wave of possible agony.

I'm choosing those items. Sometimes just moment by moment.

We don't have a ton of control, or maybe any at all when it comes to our humble shell.

I can choose to show up as much as I am able. I can choose to come to terms with all of this as often as needed.

It's hard. I'm tired. I'm still here. Choosing my hard.

Can I tell you how tired my heart is?

I’m so old in this skin and my luster is gone.  Just to sleep. 

A moments peace of uncorrupted brow and deep breaths.

Timing.

My timing, its off and my unprotected soul doesn’t know any better. 

Heels and knuckles drag against crooked lipstick stains. 

Sleep.. Twenty minutes.  Two hours. 

Shh, please just awhile. 

I promise to take you out of the box and play nice tomorrow. 

When the sun is high and sharp enough to cut. 

But now,

let me linger in the shadows and play hide and seek with peace.