Welcome to the Carnival.

Just simply existing is a burden that I can't bear to handle much longer. I try my best to be happy for everyone else and I just...can't. Living is so hard. I just need to get through these next few weeks and I'll be happy again. Or maybe I won't be. God, dying is the only thing that can take away the pain at this point. It's gotten too bad and too serious for it to be fixed with a shrink and a few pills. I just want people to show me that they care. I want them to let me know that they want me in their lives all the time, not just when it's convenient for them.

I tried to eat and I got full too quickly. Kind of a blessing, I guess. I cleaned, I did my make up, I did everything I could to feel better. And yet, I still feel empty.

I'm sorry that you try so hard to make me happy when it's impossible for me to even make myself happy. I'm almost always sad, and I feel bad going to you when I am, but other than Alissa you're the only one who will really listen no matter what awful things I have to say. I don't like the way I am either. I'm sorry that every time you say I'm pretty I deny it, because when I look in the mirror and smile, I can feel my heart breaking because I never thought that anyone could love this face. I can't stand to look at myself. In reality, my confidence is false. I just need a way to seem anything but depressed, because when I show it, people leave me. I'm sorry that I make mistakes. I try to be the best friend that I can be, I really do. If I can't help myself, I at least want to help the people I care about the most, like you. I'm sorry that I'm a lot to deal with. I'm trying to get on more meds so I can feel these emotions with less intensity. I know that I'm probably not good to be around, so if you need time away from me, don't hesitate to say it. And you don't have to take me to the concert if you don't want to. It's not too late for me to get a bus ticket and a hotel. I'm a burden as it is, and I don't want to make it any worse. Please don't be afraid to say no to me. Sometimes, that's just what I need.