•• xxıᴠ

I made three big life-changing decisions this year.

The first one was taking a year off school to do something else, in hopes to try to “find my purpose in life”. Albeit that did not happen and I still struggle with depression, I’ve found a job in a field that I love.

This job is doing wonders for me, as I enjoy the job and can actually see myself working at a veterinarian hospital. I’m also considering going back to school for veterinarian studies, since I’m being encouraged by my colleagues to do so, and I feel confident in my job. It feels like I finally found something I want to do in terms of my career.

The last major lifestyle change I made this year was to move out of my family’s place. This was--by far--the best decision I’ve made for my mental health. I get to do things at my own pace. I don’t have anyone nagging at me, or others invading my personal space. I no longer live in an environment where I risk my physical and mental health. This year, I finally felt in control of my own life. I’m still struggling, but I’m better than before.

I think a lot of people associate depression with being sad all the time. For me, that case isn’t necessarily true. Most of the time I just feel a void. Dull. Sluggish. Little to no motivation. Burnt out. Maybe empty would be a better word for it? Lackluster? If it’s not a void I feel, it’s disparity and hopelessness--not really sadness. I think when I was younger I used to feel sad a lot, because I didn’t understand my feelings or the world at all. Now that I’m older, I still have difficulty understanding my feelings, but at least now I can differentiate between truly being situationally-sad and the symptoms of being clinically depressed.

From my understanding and personal experience, a lack of dopamine and serotonin doesn’t mean you’re always sad. You don’t have to cry all the time to be depressed. Most of the time, I can’t even conjure up the ability to cry anymore. Depression is more than just feeling sad. It’s bouts of irritability. It’s feeling a void and then feeling everything at once. It’s doubts about everyone around you, yourself, and life itself. It’s being unable to sleep--and then sleeping for sixteen hours straight. It’s self harm; both physically and mentally.