tabula rasa

I will say right now that I cannot imagine myself spending the rest of my life with anyone else but him. I love him so endlessly and this anxiety has nothing to do with him or how our relationship is. It is such a healthy and functional happy relationship. I am over the moon that I get to spend the rest of my life with him. Yet, there is this piece of me inside that is screaming and freaking the fuck out. 

It is no surprise by now that I have an avoidant attachment style. Independence and not needing anyone has always made me feel safe. I don’t like being pictured with anyone or seen as reliant on others. The word “fiance” just scares me. I feel my skin crawl when I think about it and the first time I couldn’t even look down at my ring. I was just in shock. Yet, when he got on his knee and proposed my eyes were filled with tears of joy and love. I did not know I would ever experience someone’s love or feel cared for. Deep down all I want is to be cared for. For someone to care about my emotions, my thoughts, and my interests (things I never got from my parents). Now I have this amazing partner and he’s saying he wants to commit to me for life. This isn’t a surprise of course after 7 years, this is what we’ve talked about for years. He is my one and my best friend. Everything we’ve done was for each other.