i definitely know this has been done before but um uh ,,

bonus scribbly comic:

Drugs in Eorzea

Illicit Drugs

Somnus  (most similar to Opium?)

Chuchuto: “Somnus… That’s the mind warping-substance made from dream flowers. Those who overindulge are said to fall into an eternal slumber.”

Ahldskyf: “As you suspected, these are the highly illegal blooms known as dream flowers. They are the prime ingredient in the creation of “somnus”─a substance whose fragrance is said to lull the sniffer’s mind into the sleep of death.”

Hungry Hobbledehoy: “Please, ma'am. My baby brother is hungry, but my mother is too weak to feed him. My father left before I reached my third nameday, and my grandfather died last week in Copperbell Mines. My sister moved away to a rich merchant’s house and no longer visits us, and my older brother lies all day in the corner with his somnus pipe… If you could spare some food… Even the leaves of a cactuar would suffice…”

Pluto

Weggfarr Wideaxe: “'Case yer wonderin’, that was pluto! Just a draft of it, an’ yer body turns hard as iron! Not even blades can pierce it!”

Milkroot  (most similar to LSD or Ayahuasca?)

Milkroot: “The thick white sap extracted from this ochu root has the power to grant its user wondrously terrible visions.”

Got Milkroot: “Milkroot is a curse upon the people of the Twelveswood, destroying lives and tearing apart families. The sylphs who grow the deadly drug must be dealt with, but until they can be found, we must concentrate our efforts on ridding the forest of the saplings.”

Dreamtoad Ooze: “A slippery substance secreted by a dreamtoad. Known to enhance the hallucinatory effects of milkroot.”

Dreamweed

Dreamweed: “A prohibited substance. Merely knowing of its existence is hazardous to one’s health.”

Blackroot Rose

The Root of the Problem: “A pack of normally placid antelopes has grown frenzied and begun attacking botanists participating in the Greatloam Growery’s reforestation project. After inspecting the carcass of one of the beastkin, it is believed the animals must have eaten the leaves of the blackroot rose, known to cause horrible visions and induce extreme fits of violence. In their current state, the animals are a threat to the botanists, the forest, and themselves, and so to prevent any further incidents, it has been decided that the antelops must be put down. Our guild is searching for adventurers willing to carry out the grim task.”

Falsely-advertised Tonics

Las Vegas Fanfest 2014: “In Limsa Lominsa, the original Arcanist quest that was supposed to be released in 1.0 was actually about this disease spreading around La Noscea called the Green Rot. It would infect all of these people and they would die. To make money off of this, a bunch of merchants would try to smuggle in snake oils and tonics and things like that, and try to sell those to the people dying so they could get their money because they knew they were going to die anyway and were desperate.

You, as the Assessors (because at Mealvaan’s Gate the arcanists are Assessors) would check the stuff coming in. One of the jobs would have you check ships and confiscate all of this contraband. That was going to be the original arcanist story, but that got completely scrapped and turned into the current version.”

Guntram: “Phew, you’ve saved my hide, friend. Just stopped to give my cargo a check on the way to Ul'dah and saw that all my bottles of Radz-at-Han skin tonic were as empty as a Garlean promise. Looks as though the lids shook off in transit and the whole load spilled right out. But I refuse to have it said that Guntram failed to make good on a delivery. Cactuar blood is supposed to help keep the skin supple. I’ll just use what you’ve brought to fill the empty bottles, and all those lovely Ul'dahn ladies will be none the wiser. Oh, don’t worry about getting found out. Radz-at-Han skin tonic is still a rare find, all the more so this far south. I’d venture none in Ul'dah would even know it from an ampoule of their own piss.”

Cactuar Blood: “Actually, this clear liquid is far closer to water than it is blood… except, that is, for the cactuar it is taken from. For him it is most definitely blood.”

Babaki: “I tell you this - there’s more coin to be had in placebos than in all the alchemical agents in this damned place!”

Medicinal Drugs

Frondale’s Phrontistery

Nogeloix: “Good evening to you, sir, and welcome to Frondale’s Phrontistery. You will find the finest alchemists and healers in Eorzea within these halls. Our treatments are second to none. While I have your attention, I would like to warn you that remedies of dubious utility are rampant on the streets of Ul'dah of late, peddled by swindlers who seek to profit from the spreading fear over the lesser moon.”

Kukusi: “Don’t tell me the noises at night are keeping you up as well. We’ve more sleep-deprived patients than I know what to do with, and our store of sleeping droughts is far from limitless. To make matters worse, Ul'dah’s merchants have been buying up every known remedy for sleeplessness. There’s scarce a cup of warm milk to be had anymore, let alone the most potent of reagents. No doubt they smelled a profit.

Luckily, however, the thing I currently desire is not at all hard to find - providing you know where to look! Now, creatures known as nutgrabber marmots nest to the north and east of Camp Black Brush, and these unassuming beasts spend their waking hours foraging for slumber nuts - those being the items I lack.The clamor and bright lights of Ul'dah can be ungodsly at times. I could understand if one newly come to the city could not sleep for a time, but this… It is beyond strange. With your help, we shall restore the bliss of slumber and the beauty of dreams to those poor souls they have forsaken!”

Obili Tambili: “Receive what potions and salves you can, but do not seek a bed here. I know not what ails you, but the costs of a room will do you far more harm.”

Miyaya: “To be seen and tended to is cheap enough, I grant you. It’s the medicines what run you a pretty gil. The stuff comes in all manner of potencies and doses, but don’t let that confuse you - it’s always the costliest what works the wonders.”

Curing Greyscale: “After moons of research, Frondale’s Phrontistery leeches have discovered that the shell of a certain species freshwater crayfish contains a substance that, when mixed with wine and the root of the mandrake, cures greyscale. The Phrontistery wishes to begin mass production of the tincture immediately, and requires large quantities of bigclaw crayfish from the cenotes near Camp Black Brush.”

Curing Gout: “After moons of research, Frondale’s Phrontistery leeches have discovered that a certain species of freshwater moss contains a substance that, when mixed with clover honey and ahriman eyes, cures gout. The Phrontistery wishes to begin mass production of the tincture immediately, and requires large quantities of jade marimo from the cenotes near Camp Halatali.”

Curing the Flux: “After moons of research, Frondale’s Phrontistery leeches have discovered that the scales of a certain species of freshwater pipira contains a substance that, when mixed with alum and leaf of lavender, cures the crimson flux. The Phrontistery wishes to begin mass production of the tincture immediately, and requires large quantities of bitterbite pipira from the cenotes near Camp Drystone.”

Don’t Forget to Take Your Meds: “Final examinations are coming up at Frondale’s Phrontistery. One can hardly sleep for all the shrieking, and the streets below the dormitories fill with a miasma of fretful sighs heavy with onions and wakefulness. At this juncture, the potion of intelligence would be a public service.”

Riches’ Brew: “I need hardly tell you that alchemy remains a major industry for Ul'dah; potions are now one of our top exports. The exact economics may be beyond your capacity to understand—I intend no offense—but suffice to say that the dragon wars in Ishgard have been very… good to us.”

Eye Drops

Blue in the Eye: “A terrible outbreak of ceruleum eye – a sickness in which the infected eye clouds a deep blue, causing temporary blindness, paralysis, nausea, and a slew of other symptoms – in a nearby village has depleted Camp Horizon’s stocks of medicine, and Quartermaster Aistrach has placed an order with the Jolly Raptor for a new crate of medicine. The Jolly Raptor will handsomely reward skilled alchemists to create the requested items and deliver them to Aistrach in Horizon’s Edge.”

Gridanian Healers

Tickling Whiskers: “Orobon whiskers used by local healers in the concoction of powerful potations and unguents have had to be imported from the distant island of Vylbrand. Recently, though, rumors of the strange wavekin sloshing about the forest have begun surfacing in inns and pubs throughout Gridania. If the rumors are true, then this could be a prime opportunity to collect orobon whiskers locally. Black Rabbit Traders is hiring adventurers to travel to one of the locations mentioned in the rumors─Nine Ivies─and collect as many of the alchemical ingredients as possible.”

No Leaves Left Behind: “For generations, hamlet healers have applied the sticky leaves of various landtrap creatures to burns and cuts to help quicken their mending. Unfortunately, ever more frequent confrontations with neighboring beast tribes have seen demand for the leaves overtake supply. To see that those injured are not left to suffer, good coin will be paid for freshly harvested specimens.”

Mother’s Mercy

Coat the Harm (L): “A dragon claw or chocobo’s talon to a soft stomach will speed a man towards his congregation with Halone unless a remedy known as Mother’s Mercy is ingested in time. The medicine swiftly coats the inside of the stomach with a thick mucus, allowing the blood to clot and the wound to close. Due to the value in curing such grave wounds, Mother’s Mercy is a staple of every chirurgeon’s field kit. A knowledgeable botanist should be able to procure large quantities of gentian, the main ingredient which allows for clotting—though they will need to brave the Chocobo Forest to do so, as the plant no longer grows in Coerthas.”

(Perfect) Gentian

Ladies and Gentians: “The infirmaries that treat the Temple Knights are afforded facilities and tools of utmost modernity and our services profit much from the High Houses’ grace, though we find it is not coin that we lack. Alas, for too many years had we taken the gentian plant of Coerthas for granted, as the everwinter choked out most of the vegetation, so did the region’s gentian plants perish. A simple ingredient for medicines to cure stomach pain was once in the back of our minds has now become a constant worry in terms of supply, and can only be found in the Chocobo Forest these days. Might you fly out to the region and harvest some stock to replenish our cabinets?”

More lore on Long Term Injuries and Magical/Non-magical Healing Practices here.

Miscellaneous Substances

Fogweed

Vath Searcher: “Tailfeather hunters ask us for herbs, but not for eating or salve-making. Fleshlings want to make smoke for recreation.They say inhaling smoke has a pleasing effect, but we do not understand. Smoke is for driving away dragons or vermin. This use of smoke seems very strange. Yes, much too strange.Now, what did the fleshlings say to do? First, dry them with fire shards, like so. Then chop into fine pieces, and… There, it is done.”

Dried Fogweed: “Fogweed, cured with fire shards and finely chopped. Residents of Tailfeather claim the fragrant aroma helps calm their nerves while on the hunt.”

Loupard: “Back when the Sharlayans were still here, they cultivated the stuff in their conservatories. After they packed up and left, though, the plants made their way into the wilds and, well, here we are.”

Dried Cloudcrawler  (off-gasses euphoric aroma that affects Gaelicats)

Dried Cloudcrawler: “Cloudcrawler is a swift-growing vine that clings to the bottoms of islets found in the Sea of Clouds. When dried, the vines are pliable enough to weave into baskets or even crude armor.”

Peculiar Herb

Peculiar Herb: “A common weed rumored to have relaxing properties when either ingested or smoked.”

Shriekshroom Cap

Spores for the Ceremony: “The Stillglade Fane is busy making preparations for this moon’s Woodgreet Mass, and requires the spores of several funguar to use in the Leafreading Ceremony, in which several of the brothers and sisters ingest the spores, which are said to give them the temporary power to “see” the messages left by the spirits in the leaves.”

“Chanterelles”

A Real Fungi: “The land around the Red Rooster Stead is full of wild mushrooms. None of them are exactly poison, but they put folk out of the way for a few bells, if you get my meaning. Now, we’ve got someone coming from the bank─you’ll not hear the reason why from me─and we need a dish of mushies so toothsome he’ll eat it all.”

Potions of Strength  (Steroids)

Just Give Him a Serum: “Like all of Master Gegeruju’s purchases, the men that guard Costa del Sol are the finest of their kind. It is perhaps no surprise that such men have certain—eccentricities. Take this formulation, make your delivery, and thank the gods that they are on our side.”

Devil Take the Foremost: “Ah, the Coliseum management. They have taken the recent odium over alchemical enhancements to their black hearts and propose to let combatants alter their chemistry unhindered. Pray to the Twelve these alchemical potations will not further addle those long befuddled by dreams of glory.”

Ironhide Unguent

Ironhide Unguent: “This foul-smelling salve increases physical defense.”

Potions of Vitality*  (Nitrate or Viagra/Sildenafil)

*In case you were wondering why tanks get big epeens?

A Matter of Vital Importance: “Ah, another cockeyed order for your purse’s pleasure: potion of vitality to “awake the inner beastman.” Charming. You know, I’ve oft wondered if most men wouldn’t be better served by a potion of unmanning. My own life may be called an abject lesson in the perils of licentiousness.”

Red Landtrap Vine Sap

A Roseling by Any Other Name: “Known for its aphrodisiacal properties, sap from the vines of the rarely seen Ocean Roseling has become increasingly popular on the pleasure boats anchored in the bay off the Captains Ward. The Brugaire Consortium will handsomely reward anyone willing to travel to Bloodshore and procure several specimens.”

Sabotender Flower Petals

Flower Power: “A recent rumor claims that when dried, soaked in honey, and then applied to the forehead, sabotender flower petals can cure headaches caused by overdrinking. Do the rumors contain any merit? None employed at the Seventy-seven Caravans fancies herself a leech or barber, and therefore cannot attest to any of the claims made regarding the flowers’ curative properties (or lack thereof). We simply seek to provide a supply to meet the demand, and are offering good coin for sabotenders pacified and delivered to us alive, so that we might grow our profits.”

On top of all of these listed, you can also research the medicinal properties of many real world plants which also appear in Eorzea or have Eorzean equivalents. You can theoretically create an unlimited number of conventional medicines, salves, etc. For a comprehensive look at Eorzea’s canon flora, I highly recommend @tinolqa ‘s Botanica Eorzea!

brain: make a final fantasy 14 all star AMV

me: why

Not bad for my first Magnai!

A painter in Los Angeles kept missing his exit for the I-5 on the 110 highway, so he did his research, climbed up the overhead sign, and changed it himself without anyone noticing.

This is Richard Ankrom. He couldn’t find his damn exit, cuz it wasn’t properly labelled.  

So he took life by the balls, like any self-respecting Californian would do, and used his sign-painting expertise to fix it himself.

He called it ‘guerilla public service.’ Even got himself an outfit to look official. It worked, obvi.

Caltrans investigated, but the sign was actually up to code. They left it there for 8 years before they made an updated sign.