yesterday.

dear son, 

this is you, 7 months and in Bali. mama and abah love you, oh-so-very- much.

our gift to you is our dua. we pray for you to feel all the love in the world, to smile everyday, to take away confusions in your heart, to find peace in the challenging world. to grow up with empathy and sympathy. 

3 years later

married

9 months later gave birth

same woman, different status

turning 28 this year

haven’t quite figured life

Just because I'm losing Doesn't mean I'm lost Doesn't mean I'll stop Doesn't mean I will cross

Just because I'm hurting Doesn't mean I'm hurt Doesn't mean I didn't get what I deserve No better and no worse

19th october:

you sat by the bedside of your late dad, cuffed in metal. my heart beating so fast i thought i was going through panic attack. my legs, jelly. i was nervous, i was scared. flashbacks of you and i and of what we used to have, coming in all at once. i braced through. i thought i was strong, but i was not. i sank deep into you and reached out for your hands and kissed them. for minutes i hugged you close to me, kakak rubbed my back. i didn’t and couldn’t say anything. my tears had spoken for itself. i hope you could read me through my gestures dad. i’ve missed you.

what could the next step be when it’s all full of uncertainty.

thoughts of unfinished business unexecuted projects unconcluded future overtakes that nerve. does it really matter if things don’t get sorted. it doesn’t does it?

“if you could turn back time, what age would you go back to?”

the answer was 13. puberty. period. 

decision making: wrong and right, yes or no, stay or go.

so i asked the same question to someone and got this as a reply:

may i, be the last?

its funny to sit and be absorbed in the moment.

the moment where new memories be made, expressions captured in a blink of an eye, the sound of laughter and off pitch voices communicating to one another.

where’d time go to? no really. where?

what have we done with time, what time did to us, can we keep up with time?

to be in the moment, and not get stuck with stuffs that don’t matter

very much unsure of our connectedness when we are simply disconnected, at heart

how can you be so sure that it’s the same when its not

how do you pretend and fake it through hugs, with an exchange of smiles that feels and looks awkward

i guess its time i bid you goodbye

everyday like this. thank you for everything. 

human cycle. vicious, indeed.

creative cycle. vicious, indeed.

love cycle. vicious, indeed.

nature cycle. the purest, indeed.

decisions. vicious, indeed.

lovely place, lovely weather, lovely architecture, lovely lake. everything's lovely here. missing only you and mum and dad and sis and everything else that's in between.

love,