Surely Goodness, Surely Mercy

wow a 2026 return who would've imagined. 30 year old on tumblr. But i've done a deep dive into old angsty tumblr bc of the presentation party coming up and i have so many thoughts swirling and i'm way too lazy to write it on pen and paper ill write it down here.

Here we are again, another year has gone by. My 25th year is almost over, almost two years of the pandemic have passed. This year has been good to me, God has been good to me. My parents are alive and well, my brother is alive and thriving. I have friends that love me and I feel like I've matured throughout this year. I say this every year but I think maturity is something to be celebrated. Last year I was able to split my year into pre/in/post pandemic, but this year everything feels a little more fluid so I'm not sure how I can split things up. I guess we can do things by the season.

Winter:

2021 started out pretty chill. Janelle and I hung out in my apartment and we videochatted the 3G girls. I had a lot of fun watching the little Planet Fitness airsock guys fill up Time Square. Janelle was such a blessing to me last year and this year and I'm very grateful for her presence and friendship and general chill. We went apartment hunting together and FaceTime'ed Kathy in. After some discussion we decided on Lumen and signed a 15 year lease. I started bullet journalling because I accidentally sent my calendar to Kathy in California AGAIN!? My Samsung phone died so I transitioned to Google Pixel. I was still doing a lot for twitch streams, playing Overwatch and investing lots of time in it. I continued to hang out with the Discord folks and got closer to Stephen.

I moved in with Kathy and moved out of 1525 Lincoln Circle, my home for the first 2 years of Virginia. Finally 3G was reunited. It was very nice living with Kathy again and being able to enjoy each other's company without having to pre-plan everything. Kathy's friendship is another blessing that God continues to pour into. Somehow we've managed to live with each other all year without any fights. I think it's also a sign of maturity, there were a few times where I felt the old Zoe come back but I actively worked on loving unconditionally and sacrificially and I think it says something about the way I've matured.

Spring:

Spring came along without a lot of fanfare. CBS Alumni Weekend happened and there were over 100+ attendees. I guess it wasn't what I expected it to be when I graduated, but I've realized how far I've come since CBS. It used to be my whole life for 4 years, but I think now I've moved on and they've moved on. I worked out a lot still throughout the seasons training for my Spartan Beast. I managed to convince Becca and Kathy to also run it. I had my tea party which was a lot of fun and I'm definitely excited for my next one! I continued to serve on Worship Team in ABC, slowly getting better at it, lead some outdoor services. I watched a lot of twitch, watched a lot of OfflineTV and Ludwig. Trained more for the spartan. Janelle started dating Michael so that was a bit of a mental adjustment.

Summer:

I drove to Ohio/Pittsburgh with the ladies and we ran the Spartan! We did amazing and I cramped up a lot but I finished both races! It was a lot of fun but after that I kind of fell off with working out. I still worked out but not at the intensity of pandemic. I took a trip to Atlanta for the first time for the LIFT Conference! Got to see a lot of famous CCM artists. Got to know Chris and Jeska more. There was a moment earlier in the year when I called Chris to talk about how I was feeling talked down to and surprisingly that actually healed a lot and I was able to get closer to him. I traveled back home and got to see my family for the first time post pandemic. Oh I got my vaccine shots! Wow! Went through a drive thru to get them which was interesting. Miso gained a lot of weight and passed away. I was sad but not as sad as Mochi. I think I could see it coming and I wasn't as close to Miso as Mochi, but it still hurt. I buried her in Tysons, in the little park on a rainy day. It was almost as if the weather knew. We got to hang out with Lulu more our neighbor. Meeting her was super random but still very great.

The Brunch Club ladies came to visit me in the summer and I threw a very fun Wine and Cheese Night! We got to know Dazhi better and how fun he is at parties. It was cool seeing all of my friends meeting each other. I led worship for VBS and Mike + Ellein came to visit me. Then Kathy went home during the summer and I felt very very lonely for a month. I then decided to do something about it and started dragonboating! I met Elle and Lindsay and started training again! It was a lot of fun.

Fall:

I adopted Maru my poor tramautized hamster. Kathy came back and we were able to hang. Then Hayden and Michael got married! I spotted the man at a distance and zero'ed in. Went back home, went to see the Jonas Brothers and chilled more with the Brunch Club. Signed up for a 10K and started training. We went to All Things Go Concert and stood in the rain for a long time to get front row viewing for Lauv and almost freezed to death but didn't thanks to some nice security people. I tried to make a fate a reality and started going to CBCM YA ministry. I found a group of wonderful people and felt like I had community again, godly Christian community. I had a super fun Halloween party, went on a date with Charles which was nice but I knew we weren't it for each other.

Winter:

I interviewed with UVA Darden after seeing that they got a new Part Time MBA program so I'll be starting that next year in August! Got to know Lucy and Hans, tried rock climbing. Ran my 10k with Anne which was actually a great experience. Went to see JOJI MY LOVE, Pink Sweats, ran a half marathon with the CBCM people. Got to see Patrick get baptized. Went home and chilled with the family for the holidays. Got a Karen haircut.

Ending Thoughts:

Faith

Find love in Him again. I've been pretty bitter with God a lot and fill my solitude with anything but Him. I think I've just been avoiding being convicted because it's just easier. But hopefully with some godly community around me, I can find joy in seeking Him and dwell in the word.

Finish the Old Testament!

Taking time before sleeping and after waking up to spend time with Him.

Career/Education

Hit the six figure mark.

Do well in my first semester of business school.

Become more eloquent and more knowledgeable of the world.

Read a book a month.

Personal

Get a boyfriend. (More short term goal is go on more dates?)

Buy a house.

Make new friends.

Work on patience and love without expecting anything in return. Sacrificial love. Especially for people that are hard to love.

Fitness

Finish both Spartan Beast and Spartan Super in May.

Participate in a dragon boat race.

Run a (official) marathon.

Get six pack abs!? Bigger butt?

120 lbs by the end of 2022.

Self Care

Make a habit to floss every day.

Turn off phone 30 minutes before bed and leave phone off 30 minutes after waking up.

Try to intermittent fasting (16-8).

Twitch

500 followers on Twitch

Resurrecting this forgotten time capsule of a tumblr to go through my end of the year tradition posts! Reviewing my 2021 New Years Resolutions!

God Learning how to be a good friend to God (I know technically it’s a servant/God relationship but for my sanity I need to word it as ‘friend’). Learning to be in constant communication with him. Being by him even when everything else in the world is not ‘attacking’, but rather distracting me from him. Hopefully I can finish the Old Testament this year.

2021 Zoe: I failed pretty badly at this. I think even though I may not have gone away, I put God in the backburner. I guess I was pretty bitter about my love life and kind of put God in second place. This is definitely something I need to focus on.

Friendships Continue to work on my patience, my anger, my love, my kindness. Developing further friendships with Kathy my future roommate, and 3G my ride or die-s. Being more patient to friends that are annoying af. Loving and serving without expecting anything in return. Being non-judgmental but also speaking truth into friend’s lives, without a ‘superior complex’. Knowing when to be silent and listen and when to speak.

I also want to work on encouragement cards for my freshmen from CBS for when they graduate!

2021 Zoe: I think I did pretty well on this front! There's always room for improvement but there were no major friendship meltdowns within 3G! Had a pretty bomb time living with Kathy. I'd like to believe I was a lot less annoying in general. I think I have been a good roommate and loving and serving without expecting anything in return. I also feel like I've been a lot less judgmental but also being very firm in what I believe in without being a Pharisee. Although I'm still struggling with my words, I do think I held my tongue a lot more and knew when to talk and when to be silent. I however did not write a single encouragement card for my CBS freshmen hahah oops. I think the time of CBS has moved on for me. I think it was an amazing time in my life but I'm older now!

Twitch Finding my brand. I need to decide what I want to be on twitch. This goal might change after we come out of quarantine since I’m sure viewer count will decrease when people aren’t stuck at home. Working on my improv and conversation skills.

500 followers. It’s a pretty hefty goal, but it’s possible!

50 subs for highest sub month.

1k follows on instagram? from twitch?

2021 Zoe: I think I definitely found my groove! It's amazing that I've stuck with it for this whole year, I'm enjoying streaming and trying new games, especially the ones that require making decisions. I'm also a LOT better at Overwatch now which is great! I have a steady (small) viewership but I have a few strangers watching which is great! Still gaming with the Discord friends (a lot less than during quarantine but still okay). I didn't hit 500, in fact I stayed the same, but it matters less now to me! I did hit 50 subs for February (probably because of my birthday but ya know still counts!) No 1k follows on instagram, but I am at a solid 500+ haha.

Fitness I would like to stay fit. Both diet and working out. Maybe branch out to things other than working out in the gym. Maybe a sport? Dragonboating? Tennis?

115lb by the end of 2021

Half Marathon Spartan in June! (if quarantine permits)

Running at least once a week (5+ miles) in the off season

10,000 steps!

2021 Zoe: I did branch out! I started dragonboating in August! I finished my Half Marathon Beast + 5K Spartan in June! I also ran a half marathon with new friends. I ran a 10K without obstacles with my dragonboating team. I did run once a week (kind of, once June happened working out kinda died down). I'll need to get back on it in 2022 because of the May Spartan!

Work  Would be nice to get that mid-year salary adjustment. Maybe get a new project. Or a new job… who knows.

2021 Zoe: I did not get a new job, but I did get a PROMOTION! Through a series of people leaving the project I got a ton of more responsibilities, got a 17% raise! Getting an adjustment in the new year! I also got into GRAD SCHOOL? I'm moving up in the world. I'm excited for what's going to happen this year!

Mental Health I need to stop staring at my phone when I go to bed. I’m going to try to not look at a screen 30 minutes before going to bed/sleeping. I’ve been using a screen as a crutch to drown out my brain from my thoughts but I have to dial back in.

2021 Zoe: I did this for the first half of the year (till April at least) and it was great, I did so much more reading and I just felt better emotionally. I'm definitely going to try this again in 2022. Cause I feel myself glued to my phone again.

Crafts

Learn how to make keycaps

Maybe start a bullet journal?

2021 Zoe: Did make keycaps, did make bullet journal!

I keep ruminating things I want to shout at Tim but not for the sake of friendship and not rock the boat more.

I don’t take back what I said, the way I said it, anything. I think I said it pretty amicably and respectfully, and to be honest I think I said what everyone else was feeling. Sometimes, its not fun playing Overwatch with you. Its actually gotten worse. You mald within the first five minutes of the first game and then its all downhill from there. When I play with you I’m always constantly on edge with your “HMMMMMM, WHATEVER” and passive aggressive comments. You constantly are like “I SHOULDN’T HAVE TO KILL THIS/HEAL THIS/DO THAT.” That very well may be so, but I think you can switch up your play style. Maybe you’re the one doing something wrong. You always point out when you have gold damage or gold healing and then point out when other people do badly. When I tried playing Brigette you were like “We lost because of healing”. When we were playing heals together and I played Ana, you touted your “49% healing” and implied how bad I was doing. What kind of friend is that? I rarely mention how well I did in a game or how badly someone else was playing, but you think it’s okay to take jabs at me passive aggressively? That makes me so angry. You shout at DDong saying his play style is bad, but when I say something as small as “Sometimes its not fun playing with you,” you rage quit like a little bitch and say “Well I’m not going to play anymore.” You can’t take what you CONSTANTLY dish out to others. Others just take it better than a bitch like you. 

What a loaded title. It has been a year alright. But despite everything, for me it was not a bad year. I am continually improving myself and learning how to love myself. Next year I’ll probably look back and cringe at myself, but for now I am very happy with who I am now. I’m not perfect at all, but in a general sense, I don’t regret a lot of things. This year we’re going to split our reflection in to three parts:

I. PRE QUARANTINE

This year started off with a bang, with the 3G girls (sans Kathy) going out to Decades and partying it up. I had just come back from Hong Kong and was still floating on a vacation high. I hit the fitness ground running to prepare for my first Spartan Race! I was still hanging around the CCC people and going to Bible Study. I got ridiculously strong, but still was at around 124lbs. I beat Garrett at a squat contest by doing 100 squats with 95lbs (granted I didn’t go as far down as I should’ve). I met with the Chan couple and started giving them English lessons, and developed a relationship with them throughout this year. Mochi passed away and I experienced a death for a first time in a long time. It was really sad and I miss her lots. 3G went to Deep Creek together and we had a nice bonding in the hottub and just eating delicious wine and cheese together. 

February came around and I hosted my first wine and cheese party! It was super fun to plan and things came out so great! I tried weed for the first time on my birthday at Shiny’s place with Shiny and David and that was fun. I ate a crap ton of food and giggled lots. I met Kathy’s new man and then I experienced my first Spartan race, lighting the spark for a Spartan woman! Boy was that so fun training and executing my body. I managed to climb up the rope which was super lit because I’ve always wanted to do that as a kid. Then Mei-Ye sent that ridiculous message and I cut ties with Mei-Ye and Garrett. Pretty sad about that but idk, my pride was hurt and I felt like I was disrespected by them. So I probably won’t hang out with them again. I went to a DC United soccer game for the first time which was neat! 

I went home to spend time with my Mom for her birthday and also did the birthday bash for Vicki. Unfortunately I drank too fast and ate too little so I blacked out and probably puked over a lot of stuff (I don’t remember). I’m very thankful to Stephanie and Zong for taking care of me. I met Miso my buddy and we formed a great paring <3. 

II. QUARANTINE PHASE 1

This should go by relatively quick. Corona happened and we moved indoors for a long time. During then, I bonded with Miso, did a lot of video chats with 3G and the Breakfast Club. I watched a lot of comedy specials and Dave Chappelle. I started hanging out with CBS discord people a lot. I took walks to my work and back to maintain my exercise habits. We thought this pandemic would end in May (it didn’t.) I baked a lot, I went to a lot of stores in search for yeast. I planted a lot of things. I started doing hip thrusts to grow my booty. 

III QUARANTINE PHASE 2

Then the Black Lives Matter movement blew up with George Floyd. I got in an argument with Pearl that still has yet to really be resolved (not sure if it’ll ever go back to what it was :() I went on a lot of protests in D.C. I hung out with Janelle almost every weekend haha. I started and deleted a fitness blog. Vivien went to the hospital and that was scary. More protests throughout the summer. Went to the beach with 3G. Had a few video calls with Joe Salzano. Started thinking about real estate after discovering Graham Stephen. Went swimming in my pool a lot. Helped move Kathy’s stuff into a storage and jump start her car. I got into a car accident that totalled my car. That was a scary experience. Spent the next few months worrying about insurance, finding a car, the court case. Went on a date with Siyuan. Went to MLK’s March on Washington. Hung out with Janelle a whole lot again. Went to RBG’s funeral service. Hosted a cookout for my friends. Started watching Among Us videos, starting with Pewdiepie and ending with OfflineTV. Found a new obsession of OfflineTV and friends. Started watching twitch. Started playing Phasmophobia on Saturdays with Stephen. I started a twitch channel and realized that my laptop was trash! I built my first gaming PC. I bought a 3070 for myself and managed to grab a 3090 for Stephen. Hung out with Janelle lots more. I got affiliated with Twitch! Signed up to be a Poll Worker and the elections happened (Biden Won!) Bought my first Mechanical Laptop! Started playing A LOT of video games with Stephen, David, DDong, JT. Learned how to play Overwatch.