차가운 심장.

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“nini!” she chirped, her fingertips briefly stretching out the sleeves where the fabric covered her hands. “i didn’t drag you out here did i? i promise the bubble tea will be worth it… that and maybe breakfast.”  she offered such trivial things as consolation for keeping the two of them out until dawn. then again, she could invite him up to her place. logically, she could do that, personally was a different case, one he already understood, courtesy of a certain story about a frosted flower at the bottom of an ocean. that same story would explain why she was no longer nearly as affectionate as she once was with her close friends. but deep diving into this right now didn’t feel right. it could wait. 

“we have about an hour and a half to kill… the only place i know that’s free right now is a park. they have swing sets.” 

swing sets. because that’s a much better place for two insomniacs to sort their restless minds out. 

it hadn’t even crossed his mind to invite himself up to her apartment because just like she radiated warmth and peace, she also came off as a very private person, one that jongin had no intentions of disturbing anytime soon. his place on the other hand could probably be described as the opposite. always open for guests but with little to no personal belongings laying around. everything he cared for or that showed any side of him that wasn’t known to the public was closed off or hidden beneath locked doors. his apartment that so many times recently had been featured in different shows he’d been guesting, it looked just like you’d expect it to. black and white, plain, some bears scattered all over the place in the shapes of plush animals, patterns and prints on things or just gifts from fans. other than that, the only giveaway thing that hinted to who was living there would be the alarming amount of gucci branded things. gifted, of course. some bought to fill in the gaps of an other perfect home. perfect. he hadn’t felt close to that in years. nevertheless, he could on some level understand why he didn’t think of going to her place but also why she didn’t suggest it. chances are, they’d have a better time outside anyways. away from the far too familiar walls of their own homes. 

‘an hour and a half.. i could go to the park.’ 

the suggestion genuinely peaks his interest and it takes him no longer than a few seconds to move over to the other side of the car so he could pull the door open for her, leaving it ajar before making it back to the driver’s side. even if the park wasn’t more than a few minutes away, a drive there would be better than being caught outside together. not that he could care any less if that would happen but for her sake he’d take the safe option first. getting her in trouble would mean another friendship strained for a while and he couldn’t handle that. although joohyun had always seemed very forgiving, tonight was no night to test the limits of that. 

‘uhh.. do you mind navigating-- i have no clue where we are going..’ a funny thing to realize after exiting the parking garage, not even knowing if he took the right turn there, jongin acknowledges his mistake a little too late. 

insomnia

Within minutes, she had changed into a simple pair of jeans and a long sleeve t-shirt. Seoul summer nights were barely breezy and still humid, not needing a sweater. Simple outfits also made her blend in the easiest too, not that anyone would be looking for her at this hour. Joohyun had become a bit of a ghost to most people in her life; appearing and disappearing without a trace. Maybe some people in her life had gotten used to her change, Jongin included, but it meant a lot to her that he didn’t seem to mind. A friend who understands her kilometer high walls and once detrimental anxiousness when it comes to being around people — he was definitely one of the few who fit that very description.

it wasn’t until she was already sliding her shoes on that she realized a crucial bit of information was missing. 

[text] what car do you drive…? or what color? not very car literate…

there’s no question if jongin can or cannot handle two hours with the other, he wants to spend his time with her tonight more than anything. it is a freeing option compared to being stuck alone at home, still unable to sleep, spending his awakened hours overthinking. as much as he treasures alone time nothing is worse than having to be alone when it’s not your choice. as of late, that has been happening far too often and it’s left him with an anxious feeling gripping his chest every time the night falls. will i be able to sleep tonight? jongin won’t have to worry about that now, instead he’s determined to meet her at her place within those ten minutes, stepping on the gas as he drives off towards her location. 

[ sms ] i’m trying speech to text is this wrecking or hot

[ sms ] what the

[ sms ] i said is this working or not

his attention must be on the road which is why he annoyingly reaches to slam his fist against the top of the display of his car, cursing to himself as he reads the messages he accidentally sent through the corner of his eye. at least it wasn’t too bad, it could’ve ended up worse. 

his drive takes more than ten minutes. damn it. yes, he did time himself, anything to keep his mind busy enough not to stress him out about the fact that he isn’t sleeping or the fact that he needs to do so much work tomorrow. the small distractions are enough to keep him sane until he’s parked in the garage of which she had left instructions for him on how to enter. 

[ sms ] it’s so cool down here, no heat trying to grill me, might just live in my car in your garage instead of my boiling warm apartment

tead of answering her with a bad description of his (very usual and mainstream) black car, jongin gets out of it and stands with his back against the door to the driver’s seat, leaning against it while looking around for her, figuring it’s the best way for her to spot him instead of having to struggle looking into every window of every car between them. it’s only when he sees her that his mood takes a positive turn and he reaches out to wave, his free hand motioning for her to hurry over. 

insomnia

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[text] I know it’s late, but there’s this one place that opens in about two hours that has really good bubble tea. When you’re up, do you want to go?

That wouldn’t be bothersome, right? Maybe they’ll say they’re busy, and maybe she’ll suddenly be mentally drained enough to sleep. A bleak little idea of what would be deemed a tolerable end to the night. Maybe they wouldn’t even have to talk about such heavy stuff. Wouldn’t that be nice too? To just chat over bubble tea, to keep all the heavy things tucked away. That was part of her routine now anyways.

these days have been a jumble and mess for jongin, arguing again and again with people he thought he wouldn’t get into it with again, fighting over silly little things and ultimately tiring them both out. jongin has had enough of conflict for the whole year, he tells himself it’s the last time he’ll respond to someone trying to edge him on, push him towards that mindset where his irritation grows stronger than his will to keep things civil. it’s been happening a few too many times as of late and if it wasn’t for the very few things keeping him sane he would’ve done something irrational. 

feelings have been more of a burden than a pleasure lately, leaving his chest either feeling completely empty and alone or on fire with anger. the kind of anger he can’t quite put his finger on where it stems from but he knows it won’t go away anytime soon. he’s angry that he messed things up again, angry that he doesn’t care as much as he used to, angry that he sometimes cares too much. confusion clouds his mind whenever he tries to make any sense of what he’s feeling, thoughts have never been this hard to figure out. 

right now it’s the middle of the night and he is yet again wide awake. outside the window is a city that has no idea what is going on inside his mind, flickering lights and the sound of a million lives going on without a care in the world. no one would notice if i disappeared, took a little break for a while, jongin thinks, knowing it isn’t true. but only being recognized for his so called talent isn’t enough, as selfish and ungrateful as it sounds even to himself, he wants to be seen as who he is beyond his work-- missed as a real person. to imagine the amount of lives in his sight right now, the amount of stories untold, it does ease his mind at least a little bit to think that he isn’t the only one awake at this hour. 

 ‘why are you awake..’ jongin mumbles to his phone the second a chime catches his attention and he sees the familiar name pop up on his screen. 현 누나. jongin doesn’t acknowledge the irony that she is the one reaching out to him in the middle of his slight crisis. the last time he felt validated even in the slightest had been when listening to her talk. even if sometimes her words sounded like poetry or riddles that only her mind could decipher, jongin wanted to understand her so badly. and at some point, he felt like he did. because the sadness reflected in her words weren’t anything he was unfamiliar with, she made so much sense that in a weird way, her feelings ended up validating his own. 

[ sms ] bribing me with bubble tea? at this hour? i can pick you up whenever you’re ready. 

there’s a hint of playfulness in the text he sends her way, of course, always trying to lighten things up even when not needed to. and with joohyun it never feels like he needs to be anything he isn’t, something he would forever feel grateful for. though she might not know it, might not even consider it? but jongin knows he enjoys her company, her wit and her softly spoken words even in the middle of the night. this night would be no exception, there are very few things that could make a sleepless night worse and joohyun definitely isn’t one of them, he’s already looking forward to her company and to hear what her mind has been struggling with this time. insomnia is a boring experience, perhaps a little less boring if shared. 

Once you’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 56 truths about you. At the end, choose some people to be tagged.

Tagged by: tiny ruby jane.

WHAT WAS YOUR:

Last Beverage: a cold vitamin drink Last phone call: my mom when she woke me up -__- Last text message: it’s from jen and it’s kind of private Last song you listened to: head in the clouds by babyjake Last time you cried: yesterday

HAVE YOU EVER:

Dated someone twice: yes Been cheated on: not that i know of Kissed someone and regretted it: no Lost someone special: yes Been depressed: i guess?  Been drunk and threw up: oh yes

LIST THREE FAVORITE COLORS:

black, yellow, orange.

LAST YEAR, HAVE YOU:

Made a new friend: yes Fallen out of love: no Laughed until you cried: yes? probably? Met someone who changed you: sort of? met someone that made me accept certain parts of myself Found out who your true friends are: happens every so often Found out someone was talking about you: well sure

FIRSTS:

First surgery: none First piercing: ears First best friend: taemin, baekhyun, jimin and moonkyu? First sport you joined: sport? none but dancing? sure First vacation: family roadtrip First pair of trainers: some no name brand probably

RIGHT NOW:

Eating: lots of sweet potato Drinking: water, vitamin drinks and wine I’m about to: unravel something i’ve been sitting on for a while Waiting for: this fucking mess to be over

YOUR FUTURE:

Want kids: five of them yes  Get married: of course Career: i want to open a dance studio, train idols or backup dancers, help them improve both skill and confidence

WHICH IS BETTER:

Lips or eyes: lips Hugs or Kisses: hugs Shorter or Taller: does it matter? Older or younger: don’t care Romantic or Spontaneous: spontaneous is romantic Nice stomach or nice arms: either, i don’t care Sensitive or Loud: have a habit of falling for the loud ones Hook-up or relationship: relationship Trouble maker or hesitant: trouble maybe?

HAVE YOU EVER:

Kissed a stranger: yes Drank hard liquor: too often Lost glasses/contacts: contacts can be found everywhere in my home except where they should be Sex on first date: sure why not Broke someone’s heart: yeah Been arrested: no Turned someone down: yes Cried when someone died: oh. yeah. Fallen for a friend: yes, sadly

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

summers are for happiness, vacation and soul searching. that’s the summer jongin has been looking forward to at least, one where life is as easy as it should be, no hassle and no drama. just the warmth of the sun tracing every inch of his body as he starts off a carefree vacation. but this year’s summer does not start off with flowers, iced drinks and roadtrips. instead it starts where a relationship ends. and it isn’t anywhere close to sunshine. 

a message from jun awaits his reply, jongin has a lot to say to him but nothing to drive him to actually say it. because of course he’s missed jun as well but their conversation last night wasn’t the most pleasurable one. a few hours of texting back and forth and he was exhausted, sad and still a little more hopeful for a brighter future for them. jun can be reasoned with, talked to and understood. jongin will always adore him for that. a knot remains in jongin’s stomach after snapping at him last night. it’s not his fault that it didn’t work out and it’s not his responsibility to defend chanyeol to jongin. chanyeol that couldn’t talk to him no matter the times he tried, chanyeol that still won’t talk to him. jun knows that now and they’ve agreed to move forward. as friends. there’s no room to go backwards anyway, searching for a solution to a problem that already took place is never going to work. they both know that and despite feeling bad about it all, jongin is determined to remain close to jun. he is still an important figure in jongin’s life and he seems genuinely sad. the kind of sadness that seeps into every day and makes the happy memories hurt at times. jongin knows that feeling too well but he knows he needs jun in his life as well. 

now the only thing they have to hang onto are a bunch of fleeting moments of joy and love, moments they won’t experience again but that jongin at least is determined never to forget. together with jun nothing feels impossible, he’s sure they will be just fine. jun isn’t the only important person in his life that is going through things. jennie left the city again, gone for some well deserved time alone and some space her mind seems to need. jongin blames himself for everything she’s going through but keeps things like that to himself. there’s no need for her to know and there’s nothing he can do about it either. if he backs off and pushes away from her it’ll hurt her. sure, it might please her friends and chanyeol especially-- but jongin is stubborn when it comes to her. they’re friends. one petty ex boyfriend is not going to stop jongin from talking to jennie. 

back in seoul everyone seems to be getting involved, questioning their friendship and judging jennie for it. her message to him is clear though ‘why can’t we just be friends?’ yeah, why can’t they just be friends? and without the hassle, jongin adds quietly in his mind. but her friends don’t like him and he understands that, it isn’t easy seeing a close friend keep someone in their life that you think are hurting them. he’s been there before, in their position, and it sucks. but ironically there’s nothing going on between him and jennie that is stirring things up, they’ve been on good terms for a while now and recently started talking more. but apparently it’s a crime to miss a friend as made clear by both her and his friends. 

running away gets more and more tempting for each day. it would solve a lot of things. the more he talks to her, the more he realizes how much she was missed when they didn’t talk much and that is something he will never deny. no matter who is upset with him or for what reason, jongin refuses to believe that missing a friend is any valid reason for people to be upset with him. 

life is complicated sometimes. jongin knows. and still he can’t help but beat himself up every time something turns out a different way than he wanted it to. today it’s nothing out of the ordinary, just some small plans that didn’t go his way and resulted in him being late for a bunch of people waiting for him. it’s nothing new to them, they were prepared, laughing even as he scurried inside to greet them with that same apologetic smile on his face that they had seen so many times before. they don’t mind but jongin does. the smallest thing could push him over the edge of what feels like a long awaited breakdown. 

it’s saturday night now and his mind is still running wild, unable to quite truly disconnect from the busy week and enjoy the weekend. at least summer is here he tells himself everyday. and it’s true, at least summer is finally here. it becomes another topic he leans on in daily conversations, especially the ones where he has nothing left to say. ‘are you not excited about summer though?’ jongin can hear himself and how stupid it must sound. ‘any plans for this summer?’ he must’ve asked at least fifty times in the last week just to have something to say, to seem interested even if his thoughts are elsewhere at the moment. he cares about his friends, of course, but the energy isn’t quite there these days. he hopes it isn’t too noticeable. then again he is sitting at home on a saturday night, no plans and no urge to make any either. if it wasn’t noticeable before it sure is now. 

wednesday night. jongin doesn’t know what went wrong this time. did he do something again? was it something he said? he comes back to his phone to see that chanyeol has left the groupchat once again. jun unknowingly seems to be in a good mood and jongin, anxious from the bottom of his heart, reaches out to a chanyeol that completely ignores him. 

thursday morning. jongin wakes up to chanyeol actively talking on his sns but no reply so far. jun doesn’t seem to be bothered but jongin is. he tells jongin to talk to chanyeol but how can you talk to someone that is ignoring you? he sends out another message to the older in hopes of getting his message across. ‘are you going to talk to me or is this it?’ 

thursday afternoon. it takes five hours before a response drops in. ‘sorry i just got a hold of my phone’  bullshit, thinks jongin but keeps his cool for the sake of the relationship between them. chanyeol says the groupchat is too quiet and he needs to think about his feelings. jongin’s stomach turns. ‘why didn’t you tell us.. don’t you think it can be fixed?’ jongin is hopeful but studpidly so. chanyeol’s answer says it all ‘i don’t know if it can be fixed.’ and jongin needs to know what is going on in chanyeol’s mind. a simple question will answer that. ‘do you not want this anymore?’ chanyeol doesn’t respond to that, instead he says he won’t start an argument and then leaves jongin’s next text on read for seventeen hours.