i hit rock bottom like every 2 weeks
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@zklins
i hit rock bottom like every 2 weeks

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the city feels empty without you.
come see me.
āI love you because the entire universe conspired to help me find you.ā
ā
jooetoileā:
- cut -Ā
ānini!ā she chirped, her fingertips briefly stretching out the sleeves where the fabric covered her hands.Ā āi didnāt drag you out here did i? i promise the bubble tea will be worth it⦠that and maybe breakfast.āĀ she offered such trivial things as consolation for keeping the two of them out until dawn. then again, she could invite him up to her place. logically, she could do that, personally was a different case, one he already understood, courtesy of a certain story about a frosted flower at the bottom of an ocean. that same story would explain why she was no longer nearly as affectionate as she once was with her close friends. but deep diving into this right now didnāt feel right. it could wait.Ā
āwe have about an hour and a half to kill⦠the only place i know thatās free right now is a park. they have swing sets.āĀ
swing sets. because thatās a much better place for two insomniacs to sort their restless minds out.Ā
it hadnāt even crossed his mind to invite himself up to her apartment because just like she radiated warmth and peace, she also came off as a very private person, one that jongin had no intentions of disturbing anytime soon. his place on the other hand could probably be described as the opposite. always open for guests but with little to no personal belongings laying around. everything he cared for or that showed any side of him that wasnāt known to the public was closed off or hidden beneath locked doors. his apartment that so many times recently had been featured in different shows heād been guesting, it looked just like youād expect it to. black and white, plain, some bears scattered all over the place in the shapes of plush animals, patterns and prints on things or just gifts from fans. other than that, the only giveaway thing that hinted to who was living there would be the alarming amount of gucci branded things. gifted, of course. some bought to fill in the gaps of an other perfect home. perfect. he hadnāt felt close to that in years. nevertheless, he could on some level understand why he didnāt think of going to her place but also why she didnāt suggest it. chances are, theyād have a better time outside anyways. away from the far too familiar walls of their own homes.Ā
āan hour and a half.. i could go to the park.āĀ
the suggestion genuinely peaks his interest and it takes him no longer than a few seconds to move over to the other side of the car so he could pull the door open for her, leaving it ajar before making it back to the driverās side. even if the park wasnāt more than a few minutes away, a drive there would be better than being caught outside together. not that he could care any less if that would happen but for her sake heād take the safe option first. getting her in trouble would mean another friendship strained for a while and he couldnāt handle that. although joohyun had always seemed very forgiving, tonight was no night to test the limits of that.Ā
āuhh.. do you mind navigating-- i have no clue where we are going..ā a funny thing to realize after exiting the parking garage, not even knowing if he took the right turn there, jongin acknowledges his mistake a little too late.Ā
āwhat is keeping you up though? i have a feeling it isnāt caffeine?ā another lame but hopeful attempt to lighten the mood or at least make it easier for her to talk about whatās on her mind. itās not the most simple task and no one ever knows where to begin but jongin has time to listen tonight. for at least an hour and a half heās not going anywhere without her, deeming him fit for a comfortable shoulder to lean on. and even if she doesnāt want to talk about it or share her most inner thoughts, jongin is still crossing his fingers that sheāll find some sort of comfort in having him there. perhaps itās for selfish reasons as he is feeling more at ease now when heās not alone and he wants her to feel the same? either way, he lets himself to quiet as he waits for her response.Ā
āCause you were out of my league, all the things I believe You were just the right kind, yeah, you are more than just a dream

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jooetoileā:
insomnia
Within minutes, she had changed into a simple pair of jeans and a long sleeve t-shirt. Seoul summer nights were barely breezy and still humid, not needing a sweater. Simple outfits also made her blend in the easiest too, not that anyone would be looking for her at this hour. Joohyun had become a bit of a ghost to most people in her life; appearing and disappearing without a trace. Maybe some people in her life had gotten used to her change, Jongin included, but it meant a lot to her that he didnāt seem to mind. A friend who understands her kilometer high walls and once detrimental anxiousness when it comes to being around people ā he was definitely one of the few who fit that very description.
it wasnāt until she was already sliding her shoes on that she realized a crucial bit of information was missing.Ā
[text] what car do you driveā¦? or what color? not very car literateā¦
thereās no question if jongin can or cannot handle two hours with the other, he wants to spend his time with her tonight more than anything. it is a freeing option compared to being stuck alone at home, still unable to sleep, spending his awakened hours overthinking. as much as he treasures alone time nothing is worse than having to be alone when itās not your choice. as of late, that has been happening far too often and itās left him with an anxious feeling gripping his chest every time the night falls. will i be able to sleep tonight? jongin wonāt have to worry about that now, instead heās determined to meet her at her place within those ten minutes, stepping on the gas as he drives off towards her location.Ā
[ sms ] iām trying speech to text is this wrecking or hot
[ sms ] what the
[ sms ] i said is this working or not
his attention must be on the road which is why he annoyingly reaches to slam his fist against the top of the display of his car, cursing to himself as he reads the messages he accidentally sent through the corner of his eye. at least it wasnāt too bad, it couldāve ended up worse.Ā
his drive takes more than ten minutes. damn it. yes, he did time himself, anything to keep his mind busy enough not to stress him out about the fact that he isnāt sleeping or the fact that he needs to do so much work tomorrow. the small distractions are enough to keep him sane until heās parked in the garage of which she had left instructions for him on how to enter.Ā
[ sms ] itās so cool down here, no heat trying to grill me, might just live in my car in your garage instead of my boiling warm apartment
tead of answering her with a bad description of his (very usual and mainstream) black car, jongin gets out of it and stands with his back against the door to the driverās seat, leaning against it while looking around for her, figuring itās the best way for her to spot him instead of having to struggle looking into every window of every car between them. itās only when he sees her that his mood takes a positive turn and he reaches out to wave, his free hand motioning for her to hurry over.Ā
āyou made it!ā
@ ManFromCoffee, byĀ dohxoxo
jooetoileā:
insomnia
- cut -
[text] I know itās late, but thereās this one place that opens in about two hours that has really good bubble tea. When youāre up, do you want to go?
That wouldnāt be bothersome, right? Maybe theyāll say theyāre busy, and maybe sheāll suddenly be mentally drained enough to sleep. A bleak little idea of what would be deemed a tolerable end to the night. Maybe they wouldnāt even have to talk about such heavy stuff. Wouldnāt that be nice too? To just chat over bubble tea, to keep all the heavy things tucked away. That was part of her routine now anyways.
these days have been a jumble and mess for jongin, arguing again and again with people he thought he wouldnāt get into it with again, fighting over silly little things and ultimately tiring them both out. jongin has had enough of conflict for the whole year, he tells himself itās the last time heāll respond to someone trying to edge him on, push him towards that mindset where his irritation grows stronger than his will to keep things civil. itās been happening a few too many times as of late and if it wasnāt for the very few things keeping him sane he wouldāve done something irrational.Ā
feelings have been more of a burden than a pleasure lately, leaving his chest either feeling completely empty and alone or on fire with anger. the kind of anger he canāt quite put his finger on where it stems from but he knows it wonāt go away anytime soon. heās angry that he messed things up again, angry that he doesnāt care as much as he used to, angry that he sometimes cares too much. confusion clouds his mind whenever he tries to make any sense of what heās feeling, thoughts have never been this hard to figure out.Ā
right now itās the middle of the night and he is yet again wide awake. outside the window is a city that has no idea what is going on inside his mind, flickering lights and the sound of a million lives going on without a care in the world. no one would notice if i disappeared, took a little break for a while, jongin thinks, knowing it isnāt true. but only being recognized for his so called talent isnāt enough, as selfish and ungrateful as it sounds even to himself, he wants to be seen as who he is beyond his work-- missed as a real person. to imagine the amount of lives in his sight right now, the amount of stories untold, it does ease his mind at least a little bit to think that he isnāt the only one awake at this hour.Ā
Ā āwhy are you awake..ā jongin mumbles to his phone the second a chime catches his attention and he sees the familiar name pop up on his screen. ķ ėė. jongin doesnāt acknowledge the irony that she is the one reaching out to him in the middle of his slight crisis. the last time he felt validated even in the slightest had been when listening to her talk. even if sometimes her words sounded like poetry or riddles that only her mind could decipher, jongin wanted to understand her so badly. and at some point, he felt like he did. because the sadness reflected in her words werenāt anything he was unfamiliar with, she made so much sense that in a weird way, her feelings ended up validating his own.Ā
[ sms ] bribing me with bubble tea? at this hour? i can pick you up whenever youāre ready.Ā
thereās a hint of playfulness in the text he sends her way, of course, always trying to lighten things up even when not needed to. and with joohyun it never feels like he needs to be anything he isnāt, something he would forever feel grateful for. though she might not know it, might not even consider it? but jongin knows he enjoys her company, her wit and her softly spoken words even in the middle of the night. this night would be no exception, there are very few things that could make a sleepless night worse and joohyun definitely isnāt one of them, heās already looking forward to her company and to hear what her mind has been struggling with this time. insomnia is a boring experience, perhaps a little less boring if shared.Ā
jongin glances back out the window and follows the light of a few cars speeding through the roads between the tall buildings. ten short minutes later he is one of the cars driving through the night although heās driving aimlessly, awaiting a response from her. at least she got him out of the house for once, that should be more than enough to break the pattern of sleepless dull nights he had been experiencing lately.Ā
šš ā” 210414, Bobbi Brown x KAI Instagram live.
56 truths.
Once youāve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 56 truths about you. At the end, choose some people to be tagged.
Tagged by: tiny ruby jane.
WHAT WAS YOUR:
Last Beverage: a cold vitamin drink Last phone call: my mom when she woke me up -__- Last text message: itās from jen and itās kind of private Last song you listened to: head in the clouds by babyjake Last time you cried: yesterday
HAVE YOU EVER:
Dated someone twice: yes Been cheated on: not that i know of Kissed someone and regretted it: no Lost someone special: yes Been depressed: i guess?Ā Been drunk and threw up: oh yes
LIST THREE FAVORITE COLORS:
black, yellow, orange.
LAST YEAR, HAVE YOU:
Made a new friend: yes Fallen out of love: no Laughed until you cried: yes? probably? Met someone who changed you: sort of? met someone that made me accept certain parts of myself Found out who your true friends are: happens every so often Found out someone was talking about you: well sure
FIRSTS:
First surgery: none First piercing: ears First best friend: taemin, baekhyun, jimin and moonkyu? First sport you joined: sport? none but dancing? sure First vacation: family roadtrip First pair of trainers: some no name brand probably
RIGHT NOW:
Eating: lots of sweet potato Drinking: water, vitamin drinks and wine Iām about to: unravel something iāve been sitting on for a while Waiting for: this fucking mess to be over
YOUR FUTURE:
Want kids: five of them yesĀ Get married: of course Career: i want to open a dance studio, train idols or backup dancers, help them improve both skill and confidence
WHICH IS BETTER:
Lips or eyes: lips Hugs or Kisses: hugs Shorter or Taller: does it matter? Older or younger: donāt care Romantic or Spontaneous: spontaneous is romantic Nice stomach or nice arms: either, i donāt care Sensitive or Loud: have a habit of falling for the loud ones Hook-up or relationship: relationship Trouble maker or hesitant: trouble maybe?
HAVE YOU EVER:
Kissed a stranger: yes Drank hard liquor: too often Lost glasses/contacts: contacts can be found everywhere in my home except where they should be Sex on first date: sure why not Broke someoneās heart: yeah Been arrested: no Turned someone down: yes Cried when someone died: oh. yeah. Fallen for a friend: yes, sadly
DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
Yourself: thatās the goal, so yeah Love at first sight: no Heaven: no Santa Claus: totally Kiss on the first date: yeah Angels: show me proof

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x04
summers are for happiness, vacation and soul searching. thatās the summer jongin has been looking forward to at least, one where life is as easy as it should be, no hassle and no drama. just the warmth of the sun tracing every inch of his body as he starts off a carefree vacation. but this yearās summer does not start off with flowers, iced drinks and roadtrips. instead it starts where a relationship ends. and it isnāt anywhere close to sunshine.Ā
a message from jun awaits his reply, jongin has a lot to say to him but nothing to drive him to actually say it. because of course heās missed jun as well but their conversation last night wasnāt the most pleasurable one. a few hours of texting back and forth and he was exhausted, sad and still a little more hopeful for a brighter future for them. jun can be reasoned with, talked to and understood. jongin will always adore him for that. a knot remains in jonginās stomach after snapping at him last night. itās not his fault that it didnāt work out and itās not his responsibility to defend chanyeol to jongin. chanyeol that couldnāt talk to him no matter the times he tried, chanyeol that still wonāt talk to him. jun knows that now and theyāve agreed to move forward. as friends. thereās no room to go backwards anyway, searching for a solution to a problem that already took place is never going to work. they both know that and despite feeling bad about it all, jongin is determined to remain close to jun. he is still an important figure in jonginās life and he seems genuinely sad. the kind of sadness that seeps into every day and makes the happy memories hurt at times. jongin knows that feeling too well but he knows he needs jun in his life as well.Ā
now the only thing they have to hang onto are a bunch of fleeting moments of joy and love, moments they wonāt experience again but that jongin at least is determined never to forget. together with jun nothing feels impossible, heās sure they will be just fine. jun isnāt the only important person in his life that is going through things. jennie left the city again, gone for some well deserved time alone and some space her mind seems to need. jongin blames himself for everything sheās going through but keeps things like that to himself. thereās no need for her to know and thereās nothing he can do about it either. if he backs off and pushes away from her itāll hurt her. sure, it might please her friends and chanyeol especially-- but jongin is stubborn when it comes to her. theyāre friends. one petty ex boyfriend is not going to stop jongin from talking to jennie.Ā
back in seoul everyone seems to be getting involved, questioning their friendship and judging jennie for it. her message to him is clear thoughĀ āwhy canāt we just be friends?ā yeah, why canāt they just be friends? and without the hassle, jongin adds quietly in his mind. but her friends donāt like him and he understands that, it isnāt easy seeing a close friend keep someone in their life that you think are hurting them. heās been there before, in their position, and it sucks. but ironically thereās nothing going on between him and jennie that is stirring things up, theyāve been on good terms for a while now and recently started talking more. but apparently itās a crime to miss a friend as made clear by both her and his friends.Ā
running away gets more and more tempting for each day. it would solve a lot of things. the more he talks to her, the more he realizes how much she was missed when they didnāt talk much and that is something he will never deny. no matter who is upset with him or for what reason, jongin refuses to believe that missing a friend is any valid reason for people to be upset with him.Ā
with his phone on do not disturb he hopes to avoid at least one or two notifications. not from anyone specific, avoidance is not usually how he handles things, but today in particular is just a less talkative day for him. monday blues, as jennie would say. but jongin knows itās more than that. the sun hides behind a pillow of clouds, leaving jongin in the shadow of the perfect summer he imagined. but just as good things are temporary, so are the bad ones. these summer blues will fade eventually together with all the troubles on his mind. that, if anything, sounds like the start of a hopeful summer.
talking about your feelings is SO important I wonāt do it but u guys definitely should
x03
life is complicated sometimes. jongin knows. and still he canāt help but beat himself up every time something turns out a different way than he wanted it to. today itās nothing out of the ordinary, just some small plans that didnāt go his way and resulted in him being late for a bunch of people waiting for him. itās nothing new to them, they were prepared, laughing even as he scurried inside to greet them with that same apologetic smile on his face that they had seen so many times before. they donāt mind but jongin does. the smallest thing could push him over the edge of what feels like a long awaited breakdown.Ā
itās saturday night now and his mind is still running wild, unable to quite truly disconnect from the busy week and enjoy the weekend. at least summer is here he tells himself everyday. and itās true, at least summer is finally here. it becomes another topic he leans on in daily conversations, especially the ones where he has nothing left to say.Ā āare you not excited about summer though?ā jongin can hear himself and how stupid it must sound.Ā āany plans for this summer?ā he mustāve asked at least fifty times in the last week just to have something to say, to seem interested even if his thoughts are elsewhere at the moment. he cares about his friends, of course, but the energy isnāt quite there these days. he hopes it isnāt too noticeable. then again he is sitting at home on a saturday night, no plans and no urge to make any either. if it wasnāt noticeable before it sure is now.Ā
āwhat do you think, mon? should we go out?ā talking to his dog now because at least monggu wonāt talk back or ask a million questions or put pressure on him to keep the conversation going. jonginās smile fades together with the music playing on the tv in the background. he isnāt sad, lonely or upset. but something is wrong. when they ask him he canāt explain it so he ends up saying itās fine, reassuring them that itās nothing at all. heās just tired. but heās been like that for a while now. tired. and itās starting to grow old.
Kai ⦠Idol Dictation Contest

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x02
wednesday night. jongin doesnāt know what went wrong this time. did he do something again? was it something he said? he comes back to his phone to see that chanyeol has left the groupchat once again. jun unknowingly seems to be in a good mood and jongin, anxious from the bottom of his heart, reaches out to a chanyeol that completely ignores him.Ā
thursday morning. jongin wakes up to chanyeol actively talking on his sns but no reply so far. jun doesnāt seem to be bothered but jongin is. he tells jongin to talk to chanyeol but how can you talk to someone that is ignoring you? he sends out another message to the older in hopes of getting his message across.Ā āare you going to talk to me or is this it?āĀ
thursday afternoon. it takes five hours before a response drops in.Ā āsorry i just got a hold of my phoneāĀ bullshit, thinks jongin but keeps his cool for the sake of the relationship between them. chanyeol says the groupchat is too quiet and he needs to think about his feelings. jonginās stomach turns.Ā āwhy didnāt you tell us.. donāt you think it can be fixed?ā jongin is hopeful but studpidly so. chanyeolās answer says it allĀ āi donāt know if it can be fixed.ā and jongin needs to know what is going on in chanyeolās mind. a simple question will answer that.Ā ādo you not want this anymore?ā chanyeol doesnāt respond to that, instead he says he wonāt start an argument and then leaves jonginās next text on read for seventeen hours.
me, going for a long car ride: yes I can listen to so much music