Xela

I’m trying to recollect what else I’ve seen. Anything involving animals is a complete no for me, unless it’s just cartoon or fake. I don’t know why, since humans are technically animals too. But I guess it’s because humans have more of a choice in certain matters. It does feel really strange having such a morbid fascination. I want to look away, but I can’t. I just keep searching these sites and going on threads and looking at them. I guess it’s the adrenaline rush I’m addicted to. I can’t even sleep at night until I’ve read a scary story or seen creepy stuff. It’s weird.  I think it’s fine as long as I don’t have a desire to carry out anything against someone or something. Which I absolutely don’t. I feel bad even when I kill a bug.

Anyway, here’s some good music.

So, I guess I am not doing well. Good in the sense of what society wants from me- productivity... But other than that? I am not taking care of myself. Mentally wise? Yes. Body health wise? No. I just don’t have that much energy.... and I am embarrassed. It’s funny because I won’t even go outside or workout in my own house alone because I hate my body so much.... I am embarrassed for myself... I can’t even look at my own body. ....I need to work on that.  To wrap things up, I’ve been thinking about Ben lately. It’s funny because I’ve completely moved on, I’ve even unblocked him on facebook a few weeks ago. ...But I just get I guess “flashbacks” of him being a dick and I get mad at myself. Not relationship wise, just more him and his personality being a jerk. Like I couldn’t even listen to rap music without him saying “stop listening to that nigger shit” or “monkey music”. Absolutely disgusting.... How could I put up with that and not say anything? I was just so weak and stupid. He would even say ‘nigger’ in person in front of my mom and I would tell him to stop but more jokingly because I was so embarrassed. At least I’m away from that now.... It just makes me so sick how someone can be friends with black people, but then just be so racist, in all seriousness, when they’re not near them.

I just worry about it. She stresses out about things too much and it can be annoying. She just gets herself in a bad mood and I don’t even want to be near her when that happens. I had a really good day... And her being grouchy kind of ruined it. My good day consisted of helping my grandpa pull weeds from his yard. It doesn’t sound fun, but any time with him is a pleasant time. I love him so much. I could have the worst day and he could cheer me up immediately just by seeing him. I miss my grandma so much... I remember telling my therapist about how I rarely cry about her and forget that she’s gone... She told me I’m still in shock... It really sucks. I know she’s gone, but I still feel like she’s here. It’s the strangest thing. I have dreams about her all the time where I hang out with her, and I don’t realize it’s a dream until a few hours after waking up. I just feel kind of numb about the whole thing.... Except for a few nights ago when I was working on my art, I thought of her and how her skin felt on her hands and how paper thin it was. I miss that feeling so much. And her voice and the way she talked to me and my grandpa. And when she would call me her baby girl and then pull my in for a hug in front of people.... I used to feel so embarrassed. And now I miss it. I just remember how terrifying it was to see her reduced to a living skeleton in that hospital bed. 

I’ve been on Prozac for about... 5 weeks I think? Then I started having anxiety attacks and was put on an anxiety medication along with my Prozac. I honestly really like my medication... The Prozac doesn’t make me feel like a lifeless zombie like antidepressants did to my mother and some friends in the past. I feel so normal. I still get sad, angry, etc, but I can actually get out of bed and function. I can work on my art for hours on end without feeling exhausted or agitated and having an anxiety attack. The only downside is that my libido is completely gone, but I don’t even care. I’d rather lose that than stay in bed all day and just sleep and cry. Plus, I am single... So it shouldn’t be a problem since I haven’t slept with anyone in 2 almost 3 years. Something still feels off though... I can’t seem to place it, but I guess it’s just my personality. I remember before I took my medication, I legitimately thought I was dying... Laying in bed all day with aches and pains, I felt as though I was going to die in a few years.... And I still kind of feel that way. I just feel a little uneasy. It may just be my paranoia though. I’ve never told anyone, but I am obsessed with looking at gore online of autopsies, freak accidents, and many similar circumstances (except for animals). It fascinates me. I can never stop reading horror stories too and real life events... I am absolutely obsessed. I think it’s because of the slight adrenaline rush. It’s all I pretty much do other than art now. I don’t really talk to anyone during the day either.... Despite my medication, I feel as though my thought process is on a much higher level than those around me. This all sounds like ramblings.... Maybe I should mention it to my therapist.... It’s funny because there’s so many things I haven’t told her yet... out of fear she may judge me.... Which is ridiculous, since she is a doctor and it’s her job. I feel as though all of this is normal and just that people are too scared to look and face the facts. I am just so in love with all that is real and natural... but I do know my biggest fear is death whether it’s me or a loved one.... Why do I love torturing myself with my fear?  It’s kind of weird... I’ve been curious about gore and photos of the dead since I was 12 or 13... I always liked scaring myself and trying to numb myself with the photos to get used to what it looks like. And it’s worked. Things like that don’t phase me at all and I can watch them with a straight face. I’d like to think it’s pretty normal, since I know of two other people who also like to see photos like that and learn, and they are both extremely normal, successful, and intelligent. But it still bothers me to know that many other people don’t find it normal.  I guess I am just different. I’ve told anyone any of that before except for my two friends who also like that stuff. It could be just because I’m attracted to horror and the unusual. 

You will no longer get to decide what happens to me in my fucking life when you're not even in it. You always screw me over and I AM NOT letting you decide whether or not I go back to college. You do not own me, you don't own shit. I hope you lose all your fucking precious money and your tiny ass cock falls off, because that's all you fucking care about it life anyway.  You're a disgusting sex addicted, money grubbing pig. I pity your kids.