Why I Use Safewords (Even With Trusted Partners)
Every so often, I read about someone who only plays without safewords or someone who chooses to give up their safeword as a D/s relationship grows. Iโve always been fascinated by their reasoning. For me, having a safeword in place is an absolute necessity. Even if I never use it once my partner gets to know me, I have to know itโs there. Itโs not that I donโt trust my partner or that he doesnโt know me well enough. Here are reasons why I will always have a safeword:
It gives my Dominant the confidence to push me into new territory. Above all else, my Dominant needs to know without a doubt that he has my consent. Thatโs easier in well-traveled areas. He knows how I will react and how much I can take. But I want us to grow. I want us to learn new things about each other. I want to see that sadistic glimmer in his eyes and feel that tingle of fear when I have no idea what he has in store for me. But if I donโt have a way to withdraw consent, how does he know he has it? Without a safeword in place, he would probably go slower. Inch toward new territory, with lots of debriefing. The safeword allows him to take us to new places with confidence. He can have me walk narrower tightropes at higher heights when we know thereโs a safety net. He trusts me to use it when I canโt take any more, and I trust him to respect it completely. With that, he can push me much further.ย
It reinforces the idea that we are inherently equal. My submission does not make me less than my Dominant. I am not weaker or less capable. I am worthy of respect and must be seen as an equal partner in my relationship. I wouldnโt date a Dominant who didnโt see it that way. In our day-to-day routine, he decides and I obey. But the safeword is a reminder that I only give what I choose to. Even if I never use it, it shows that I have an equal voice. Maybe for some people, that undermines the feeling of power exchange. For us, it strengthens it.ย Because even as heโs spitting on me or slapping me in the face or making me cry, he knows itโs what I choose.ย
Iโm not the same me every day. Some days things that are usually easy become hard. Sometimes I donโt know it until he does a thing. The thing heโs done countless times beforeโthe thing I usually take joyfullyโsends me to a dark and lonely place. Maybe itโs been a rough day at work. Maybe Iโm worried about my sick kid. Maybe something has sparked an insecurity. Itโs unpredictable. No amount of getting to know me will keep these moments from happening.ย
Sometimes itโs fucking hot. Imagine being reminded at the beginning of a scene thatย โyou have your safewords if you need them.โ Itโs like that moment at the top of a rollercoaster. Oh fuuuuuuck. What is he going to do to me? This is less critical than the other three. But Iโm all heart eyes just thinking about it.
The more my Monsieur and I get to know each other, the less likely I am to safeword. He can bring me closer and closer to the line each time, gasping and trembling and working to take as much as I can for him. But even if I never use it, the safeword is essential to feeling respected, nurtured, and deeply owned in my dynamic. I canโt imagine ever giving it up.
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