PB Speaks

“Caught between”

🎶 Dashboard - Noah Kahan 🎶

Edit: Iz & C … pls refrain from reading this 1 😁

I still think of you all from time to time. And though some of you come up more than others, I can’t say there isn’t at least one thing I wonder about each of you now, miles and miles away emotionally, as I fall into the crater indented into the same mattress I slept in when I dreamt of all the things we would do together some day.

So without more ado, here are some questions whose answers I’ll probably never hear, so in some tiny way a fragment of you might feel near.

E. - Did you ever remodel your room? … I know you didn’t love its layout or odd walls, it’s been so long and I only ever saw it once but I remember you mentioning you wanted it to change.

C. - Do you still keep that bottle of old cologne for memories sake? Because I still remember the hours we spent laughing over the name. The joke was so dumb, but so so special… (Much like us, it seems). I remember how excited you were to receive it that Christmas; I think it was the best gift you got that year by far.

A. - Do you talk to your sisters more now? I always remember wondering why y’all weren’t closer, thinking you guys could help eachother carry so many of the burdens that made you ache. Im sure I said something once or twice but, honestly, I wish I had said it more. I wish it had helped.

S. Do you still read as much as you used to? You used to lose yourself in books like they could speak a language the world outside couldn’t begin to understand. I remember being incredibly jealous of your ability to find new universes (of very advanced levels might I add) and just cherish them. Im sure it was far more complicated by that, no doubt informed by the expectations everyone around you had of your academic merit, but I always loved it anyway. I hope that, if you don’t, you find your way back to books. I am still quite grateful of all the recommendations and story recaps.

M. - Did decide to stop dying your hair purple? It was so emblematic of your vibe I hope you didn’t. However, I also understand how you could have wanted that vibe, and with it look, to change after so many hard years. I truly truly hope you can find your way back to the best elements of those early days, the ones before hair dye was even an option, and suck that vibrant purple tint right out of the beautiful memories you (and by extent, we) had, and process the colors that were not as bright.

F. - Have you figured out how smart you are yet.. Or have you always known and just haven’t said anything? Don’t let fear hold you back. I knew you more than I think I realized and my one big thought will always be… I hope you don’t ever live in anyones shadow. You could be so great if you only allow yourself to dream. (And perhaps stop stealing other people’s stuff)

A. - Why did you stop playing? Logically I understand the amount of sacrifices wasn’t worth it… but you loved it and you were so good. However, I understand why you would have to. I just really really hope you did it for yourself, because you don’t deserve to have to face any other reason.

D. - Do you still play? I think of you and your, for some reason, very remarkable laugh sometimes when I watch soccer. I wonder if you’ll ever be the one I watch on TV at the net. Im not sure if that is even what you WANT to do… but I still wonder and I still laugh when I think of your soccer themed birthday parties (thanks for jersey btw!)

S. - Do you feel safe anywhere yet? I hope you find the girl you’re looking for and you feel satisfied with her. Keep fighting for joy and smiling away. Though we had our fights, I’ll never forget all the kindness you showed me over the years. You deserve that too. I hope you find someone who can give it to you.

S. - What does your mom make of all of this? Sometimes I worry about you, and then I realize you may be doing the exact same thing for me. Then I wish your mom could explain to both of us where we both left off and why we can’t seem to have a simple conversation anymore. I really truly hope someday we will be able to again.

M. - Do you still keep that same whimsical style you always did? I used to love all the colors and paintings and uniqueness in your actions and life. I hope you have found a way to keep those, even as life has gotten hard.

R. - Have you noticed how truly valuable you are? You are such an amazing, interesting guy. Don’t let your ego or fear get in the way of being who you are. Let yourself be vulnerable, your soul is one of the best things about you. (As it usually is with good musicians.)

J. - Have you ever listened to Caifanes? I think they could change your life. Much better than Artic Monkeys… though I promise I tried!

P. - I hope they eventually accepted you for who you are and nothing less than that. You always deserve sunshine.

M. - Do you feel freer now? I understand its always a complicated journey, one that will be treacherous and fluctuating as life often is… but I hope you have found yourself out there. You deserve comfort too.

P. - You unknowingly helped me through one of the roughest times. Thank you. I hope you find so many people who are willing to do the same for you. (Ps. I still haven’t read that book you were obsessed with back in the day… but Daisy Jones and the Six was amazing.)

L. - Do you finally feel free enough to be honest? I really truly hope you have. Because you were a light that was kept hidden. Im not truly sure why. But I hope, I really truly do hope, you allow yourself to be even the cringe parts of you… because they are truly what makes you such a valuable creative and such an interesting person. Even if I wasn’t always very excited to admit it.

"Atascada"

♫ Para Que No Digas Que No Pienso en Ti ♫ - Caifanes

I think it is hard for some people to visualize how different a bilingual/multicultural life is from their own. Returning to your home country after months away with a list of foods you've had a craving for since you boarded the plane back last winter, and the unsettling feeling that you are farther away every time you return.

The flight time stays the same, so does the path, but somehow, it seems to feel like that flying tin can is a time machine transporting you to the last time you didn't know you'd ever miss this place like you do now. Back when you didn't know you'd spend nights awake and unblinking missing pineapple juice on Wednesdays, or reheated pastor tacos at night. Or worse, transporting you back to the night you didn't realize there would be a last time the potholes would shake you awake when you're just about home.

But the worst part almost always seems to be that, though you are transported (conflict-ion intact), no one in this place,

not one building,

not one store,

and not one person...

...has stayed the same in your absence (Not to say that you think it should). Instead, you are rewarded by watching the faces of your past alter slightly, losing details in your memory and youth in truth. And seeing buildings of your childhood crack, chip, fall, and turn to dust, taking with them fragments of meals long forgotten and words barely said.

The whole experience leaving only the taste of dust on your tongue and the haze of nostalgia in your eyes in its wake. And you presume its stuck there forever, but it is beautiful, like a blue broken car growing once more with the leaves.

(Sorry if this is rough but its my first time writing stuff like this and if I stare at it any longer I fear I will give up on posting)