Z E P P O

“ I am finally coming to terms with the fact that I am not cut out to be a productive member of society.”

“You have no idea how much this would mean to me. I hate pants.”

“Try to use their nostalgia and insecurity over their broken dreams to get them on your side.”

“I wanted to tell you again that I am completely serious, just in case you didn’t believe me.”

“I was a little offended that he had so grossly underestimated my ability to accurately assess pain.”

“My body doesn’t seem to understand that the antibiotics are on its side.”

“Okay then, if you don’t want to fail, I would suggest not dying.  Nobody wins if you die.“ 

“If you are one of those people who is diametrically opposed to change, I am sincerely sorry.”

“I am now somewhat competent to oblige your wishes.”

“Raw stupidity coupled with an unrelenting devotion to my olympic pipe-dream got me out the door.”

“If only I had known what a fickle stroke of luck this was.”

“Only after my hydration status had returned to normal could I see the error of my judgement.”

“When someone who looks like a character from a horror flick asks you to do something, you don’t ask questions.”

“Well, if you ever wondered, calling Poison Control is not nearly as fun as you’d think it would be.”   

“No _____, I don’t think you are going to die.  You might throw up, though.“ 

“At 6:00 AM, this kind of behavior is alarming and unnecessary.”

“Are you high? Why would I want you to do that?”

“Let’s just say that if my account balance was a pile of rocks, I would not have a very big pile of rocks.”

“ My moral standards get a little hazy when I am facing this kind of deprivation.”

“I didn’t even mind that I was sitting on a week’s worth of Burger King wrappers.”

“This was completely unnecessary and awkward, but I admired your chivalry.”

“Because of your bravery and quick, instinctive action, I hereby grant you 400 full repetitions of the chorus to “Yellow Submarine” free from my judgement.”

“I am not saying this to be mean, but you seriously sound like a cross between a fog horn and a chainsaw.”

“You smelled like beer-sweat and failure.”

“Why is it that I always rely on old-timer expressions to avoid awkward moments?”

“I used the spatula to scrape off the worst of the mess. It didn’t really work. I just destroyed the spatula too.”

“If I tilted my head just right, I couldn’t even tell that it was irreparably damaged.”

“Sadly, all the ingenuity in the world cannot make up for a total lack of foresight.”

“It was a quadruple-dog dare.  I didn’t want to look like a coward.”

“My best efforts at attractiveness only succeeded at making me look vaguely like something you’d see in Cirque de Soleil.”

“I feel thoroughly confident that I have already experienced the rock-bottom of my life.”

“ The ridiculousness of it all is overwhelming.”

“You kind of killed him.”

“That’s just lazy writing.”

“Why can’t I fucking die?“

“Walk away! Just walk away!“

“Did he just call himself God?“

“I’m gonna rip you in half now.“

“You stole that from RoboCop!“

“I was born into war, bred into it.“

“You’re a lot smarter than I look.“

“How do you know what I want?!“

“Welcome to the big leagues, kid.“

“I want to become a contract killer.”

“My body is an instrument of death.“

“Your souls are beyond redemption!“

“Family was always an F-word to me.“

“Come quietly or there will be trouble!“

“I’m gonna miss him. He seemed great.“

“Hey, look at me. You are not your father.“

“All right, well… this has been pretty scary.”

“What do you say we go fuck some shit up?“

“You’re just a kid. You don’t wanna hurt anyone.“

“I think you missed big, big chunks of that movie.“

“I loved her. I loved her like an ocean loves water.“

“’Let’s Fuck Some Shit Up’ is my legal middle name.”

“Besides… I will never, ever let our child be named Todd.“

“You’re so dark! You sure you’re not from the DC universe?“

“I’m not gonna abandon this kid. He’s never had anyone, ever.“

“I hate to interrupt, but is anybody nervous about the high winds?“

“People think they understand pain, but they have no concept of it.“

“I mean, it’s not like I have a lot of strong role models to draw off of.”

“We don’t have a lot of time. Your friend’s about to make his first kill.“

“It’s a goddamn fanny pack and you know it, you sick son of a bitch!“

“Remember when I kidnapped (name) and threatened him with great violence?“

“That piece of shit, he deserves to die for what he did to you. He hurt you badly.”

“But if you kill him, he wins. You become everything he says you are, but worse.”

“I realize that you’re new to this, but relax. You’ve been chosen by a higher power.“

“No more senseless violence, no more bloodshed! We’ll let karma take care of him.“

“I’ll never not picture that. But I can’t wait to never speak of this, as soon as possible.“

“You might wanna start talking, ‘cause I got a long history with firing at times like this!“

“I’m only yelling to impress the other guys. I’d never let anything happen to you, sugar-bear.“

“And I’d like the McRib to be available year round, but sometimes dreams don’t come true!”

“Yeah, but what I mean is, like, the world ‘selfless’. I literally don’t know what that means.”

“Sometimes it’s so bad we feel like we’re dying… but we can’t really live until we die a little, can we?”

“The point is… there are people… There are people in this fucking world, besides him, who will treat you right.”

“You know, it has always been a dream of mine to see my face reflected in your helmet as you charge at me with murderous intent.”

So, Buffy, how’d the slaying go last night? Xander! I mean, how’d the laying go? No, I don’t mean that either.