Diary of Zed Clearer

So no clearing zombies for us today. Showed up to work to find out we had the ZECT (Zombie Evasion Capability Test) instead. Apparently I missed the memo that was sent out. And the reminder that was put across our frequency the other day. I'm going to go ahead and blame Joe for that one. Stupid goats. 

Anyway for those of you who haven't had the joy of participating, our company (read, insurance company) requires we take a biannual fitness test to ensure that we can make it back to our loved ones in a crappy situation (read, so the insurance company doesn't have to pay out if we die). The test itself is... well it's not that brutal, but it's not something to take lightly. The course consists of 5 50m sprints at random intervals (no warm up), 2 10m rope climbs, 2 chain link fences, 2 8ft walls, crawling under about 25 ft of barbed wire, and then a 5k run. The order of events varies from year to year, but always ends in a 5k. Ultimately I guess they figure after hopping a couple fences and walls, you're into the boonies and will need to hold pace for a while to get away. The idea is that if all else fails, weaponry-wise, you'll at least be able to hop, skip, climb, and sprint away to safety. 

Well, we lost Joe today. No don't be morbid, he's not dead, we just had to fire him because he forgot to feed the goat locker and almost got us all killed. Ok hold on, let me explain. So 2 days ago we're rolling up to a new area to scout it out, me in my jeep, Tom and Lisa in their van, and Joe was pulling the goat locker. Now for those of you that don't know, a goat locker is more or less a trailer with a few goats in it (the number changes depending on how densely populated an area is with zed.) Now if while we're scouting out an area, we stumble into more than we can handle between the four of us, we pull the pin, flip a switch, it shocks the crap out of the goats so that they bleat in distress and attracts all the zed and we can get away.

Now if we don't feed the goats in the morning, they don't sleep. If they don't sleep, they are easily startled. And if they are easily startled, they get really loud when we're all clearing a building. Which gathers all the zombies in a mile or two or five radius. Which of course results in everyone going to the one vehicle which isn't already overrun, my jeep. And since no one wants to replace all the sweet gear in each of their vehicles, and the goats are already gone, leads to us rolling in and taking out about 20 or so zed apiece. Not too shabby if I do say so myself, however it all could have been avoided if freakin' Joe would have just fed the goats.

The most annoying part is that I had to spend a good four hours cleaning out the flesh, brains, bone fragments, and other random rotting goodies that get stuck in your grill. Turns out they don't let you out of the quarantine areas unless there's no more moving parts oozing about in the engine compartment. Blah. 

Alright, quick intro before we get into the guts of it all (Pun Intended)