Zach Allred

when listening to @mothercain gets a little too real

bad financial decisions have been made, but it’s okay

why do i do this? i let other people determine my happiness but i can’t anymore. i can’t allow the voices in my head to control my heart when i don’t know what i want. i put others before me and my brain is all confused. i’m lost in the desert of my mind and struggling to find water. i purposefully ruin friendships and relationships while they are delicate so i don’t end up hurt in the end. i make myself hurt early on. i bring on the hurt before there’s anything to be upset about. i cut people off without scissors but end up getting paper cuts. i have hurt people because people hurt me. i hurt myself more than others have hurt me. i don’t physically hurt myself but i break my own heart time and time again. One person has caused my heart to crack but i do the rest of the job myself. i don’t let myself fall in love. i’m impatient. i want the future to show itself to me. i want so much in this world that is untrainable but i end up more and more hurt. my friends didn’t leave me, i left them because i heard this voice in my head playing out scenes that never would’ve happened if i hadn’t acted them out. i make people feel bad for me, so they stick around. i have hurt so many people in the process that my words might as well be knives. these words are hurting me to type and it hurts to correct what i don’t feel is right. but nothing will ever be right in my mind and it’s time i accept it and move on. everything in my head is eating me alive and i don’t know why i let it continue to go on.

you did NOT COME TO PLAY

mom, i don’t know what i identify as. one day i feel attracted to a man, as i would a woman. i say would but i mean should bc i am expected to love a woman, and want to have sex with one. i say that i don’t know what i am because the idea of relationships and sex scares me. mom says “well try putting yourself out there” but i can’t. i don’t like the idea of the new age relationships, and having to be how the other person wants me to be. i’m picky. not with physical attraction but with my own quirks. i have a lot of pet peeves, due to me secluding myself to me. mom says “well don’t be a loner” but i feel comfortable with me. i don’t want to go around and having my thing in other people; male or female. mom i simply don’t know, no one attracts me.

anxiety is like that annoying friend that won’t go away. anxiety is that heart racing feeling i get whenever i wake up in the morning. anxiety is swelling the small things and deflating the big things. anxiety is being trapped in glass bottle that fills all the way up, leaving you stuck. anxiety is the dread of night and the fear of day. anxiety is what keeps me awake and what makes me sleep. anxiety is what wants me dead but keeps me alive. anxiety is longer than any snapchat streak, and doesn’t go away. anxiety is a life long state of mind. anxiety comes and goes like an aunt or uncle, but stays for thanksgiving dessert. anxiety is the worry of each passing assignment. anxiety is me. i am my anxiety.