It’s that time of year again. Of reflections and resolutions.

2017 sure was one hell of a ride, and in my humble opinion, had helped me grow into a calmer and more forgiving person (both to myself and to others).

The year started just the way any other ordinary year before this usually begins. Or so I thought. And then came loss, grief, and a whole array of emotions that I’ve never had to deal with before. A painful process for me, but I’ve learnt how to cope and make sense of my thoughts and feelings a lot better since. I don’t think I’ll ever wholly be the same person again, but hey, that’s what growth is about right?

All my other struggles this year have had a silver lining to them. One of which was plunging into a new work environment – with a different nature of work, new practices, a sped-up tempo, higher expectations, and so on. I’m half-a-year in now and I’m relieved to say that I’m finally getting the hang of things. Though I think I am still a work in progress, and have such a long way to go before I’ll ever be satisfied with myself on this portfolio.  Each day, I count my blessings for the tasks assigned to me, because it means I am privileged enough to be given the opportunity to try. Here’s to hoping that I continue growing as a staffer, and never forget this heart that wants to serve.

And on the family front, it has been daunting watching my grandma age and cope with the issues that come with old age. There’s also the dreaded C word (cancer) that’s a huge undercurrent in our lives lately. We aren’t tackling it head on, because we would very much like her to live out the rest of her life in a happy and comfortable space. What this has done for me on a personal level is to understand mortality a little better, and to appreciate life as it is right now. And on this note, I pray for faith and strength for my grandma, and that she is clouded with everlasting love.

So through it all, I heal, and I shall continue healing into the new year.

I have also been very fortunate to have travelled extensively and explored so much of the world in the 27 years of my life. This year was no exception, though my travelling style did change with me revisiting places (which was what I disliked doing when I was younger). The focus of my three trips this year (Indonesia, South Korea and Australia) was simply to find peace within myself and clear my mind. It was no longer about conquering as much ground as possible, but more of experiencing life as it comes at me. I will also be eternally grateful to the friends who hosted me on my trips this year. Those precious moments are treasured infinitely; there’s just something about being with people who care about you - unburdened and unguarded, away from home.

And my last topic to reflect on is the beauty of friendship. This year is the year where I realised that friendships have buoyed me up and helped me to coast along in life way more than I ever dared to imagine. With the solidarity of friends, we were able to grieve together. With the support of friends, I was able to be myself and be comfortable with who I am. With the presence of friends, I am able to love and be loved. Today, there’s also a deeper connection with a lot of my long-time friends, perhaps we’ve also grown through the years together and have reached this almost perfect balance of understanding one another’s souls.

I don’t like making concrete resolutions, because I believe in the fluidity of life. But I do hope to be at peace, to be kind, to love sincerely, and to take on things with fervour and enthusiasm. And should I hit a rut in life, that I never let it overcome me.

Borobudur

It’s not everyday that one gets a chance to visit such a monumental site. Prior to my trip, I heard so much about Borobudur from friends and family who had visited before. And somehow, the scale of the entire complex still managed to wow me. (Sidetrack: I went through the same thing when I visited the Eiffel Tower. Simply couldn’t believe the sheer size of it.) 

Besides the scale of the complex, what impressed upon me was the amount of thought and the attention to details that was put into designing and building this entire place of worship. The structure of the complex was planned in such a way that all visitors would be making a pilgrimage of sorts - a symbolic journey towards enlightenment. There was something rather existentialist in that idea, which stuck with me as I made my way around and up each level until I reached the stupas of the upper levels. 

I also loved how the carvings and reliefs were not purely Buddhist in nature, but bore elements of Hinduism (both faiths played key roles in past Javanese dynasties) and also scenes from everyday life in 8th-century Java. It says a lot about a dynasty which was willing to depict both the lives of nobles and that of commoners at a shrine of this scale. 

It amazes me that the land of my paternal grandfather was once Hindu, Buddhist before becoming Muslim. It reaffirms my belief that all religions are essentially similar, in the sense that it helps humankind understand and make meaning of the world around them. And ultimately, teaches you to do good. 

Sunrise from the vantage point of Punthunk Setumbu

This morning activity required a little bit of effort, with us rising at 3.30AM to get to Setumbu Hill before 5AM. It was a fairly easy 10-minute hike (not too steep), albeit we had to make our way up the hill in darkness. Very minimal lighting dotted the uphill path.

And boy, was it worth it to watch the sunrise here. With the sun peeking out behind the morning mist, we were able to witness such a dreamy and ethereal landscape in front of us. I loved being surrounded by nature, hearing the birds make their morning calls.

Wouldn’t trade this view in for anything!

2 generations ago, my paternal granddad left the lush rainforests and volcanic mountains of his homeland in Java for my sunny little island of Singapore. He was match-made with my grandma, a Sumatran immigrant, and had 12 children together. The story goes on.... and here I am today! 

Wisata Alam Kalibiru / Kalibiru National Park

Like most immigrant descendants, I’ve always identified with the culture of the environment I grew up in. I live and breathe Singaporean-ness, and I am proud today to be able to contribute and make my country a better place.

Most recently, I had the privilege of visiting Yogyakarta in Central Java (herein referred to as Jogja). It felt a little surreal to be in the heart of Java, knowing that this was the very same land that my granddad left not too many years ago. Throughout my entire time in and about Jogja, so many thoughts ran through my mind about how it must have felt to leave the familiarity of home for a vastly different environment. And in case you’re starting to think this might be a coming-of-age post about how I am suddenly identifying with my Indonesian roots, you’re up for disappointment because I’ve always been comfortable with the mishmash of cultures I was exposed to while growing up. One short trip would not change one’s essence. What it does is simply to allow one to better appreciate the world around us. 

I’ve always seen myself as far removed from Indonesian culture. Yes, we may be neighbours of sorts but I hardly ever visit the country. In my entire lifetime, I had only been to Indonesia a total of 4 times prior to my Jogja trip. I guess the turning point was this trip to Jogja, where I came to a realisation that I was raised with an awareness of the culture - thanks to the strong influence my grandma played in my early years up until adolescence. The funny thing is, I didn’t even know it until I was in Indonesia itself.

So there I was, a foreigner in this beautiful land who didn’t feel so foreign after all. From the food (which tasted like they came out of my grandma’s kitchen) to the sounds of the gamelan and angklung, everything felt so familiar. The people I interacted with were kind and generous, even when they didn’t have to be. I was apprehensive of even breathing a word about my heritage, for fear that I would get a verbal lashing for not being able to communicate, read or write in Javanese (Side-note: I communicated in the official language of Bahasa Indonesia). But my fears were unfounded. The hospitality I received as a “returning” Javanese descendant was warm and unexpected. And for that, I would be forever grateful for the upbringing I received - to not only love the land I was raised in, but that of my forefathers as well. 

What I’m also grateful for is the courage of my grandparents for leaving their homelands, for whatever reason (apparently the granddad was feuding with great-granddad), to build their lives in Singapore. I would not be here today if they had stayed put. My dad would likely not meet and marry a Chinese/Cantonese woman, and I wouldn’t be here today exemplifying the true melting pot Singaporean who is one-quarter-Javanese, one-quarter-Sumatran and half-Cantonese. Just based on what I’ve observed from my relatives who remained in Indonesia, I probably wouldn’t have had all the opportunities I’ve had in this life of mine. Seeing the world, attaining a world-class education - all these things I refuse to take for granted. 

This is what immigration means to me. It gave me a life of privilege - one full of opportunities. 

I hope that somewhere in his afterlife, my granddad can rest in peace knowing that I grew up to appreciate this life that he had paved for me. 

If you made it to the end of my rather long-winded post tonight, good on you! Sorry if you were expecting a summary of my trip’s activities, I’ll get to that eventually :)

I never used to be able to appreciate the meaning behind the thestrals in the Harry Potter series, but I think I finally have an inkling now - more than a decade after reading them. As a 13-year-old reading the Order of the Phoenix back in 2003, the entire concept of the thestrals was distant at best because I had been blessed with a life that had not been touched upon by death. I took it very literally then, that one had to visually witness a death to be able to see thestrals. 

Oh how I wish I could communicate with my adolescent self to let her know that I can now see thestrals (figuratively, of course). 

Since Joy’s passing, many friends of mine (past and present) have come forward to share their personal stories with me on how they had coped with their grief. This is probably one of Joy’s greatest parting gift to me, helping me to connect with people and understand the world a little bit more. The heart-breaking part about this was that I could remember very clearly when they were grieving, and how I tried to be supportive of them then but simply couldn’t. Retrospectively, I wish I had done more or given that one extra hug. Because now, I finally understand and am coming to terms with the concept of death. 

Just like Harry grasping with Cedric’s death, it also took me some time to accept Joy’s passing. It didn’t feel real for a while. And then, I gradually came to an emotional understanding of what had happened and how there was nothing I could have done in my power to prevent it from happening. I guess that moment differs from person to person, especially since everyone grieves in their own special way - and we grow from it.

I’m a firm believer that the ones who truly love us never really leave us, so this isn’t goodbye - but more of a ‘we’ll meet again’. 

I’ve known you for a good number of years now, since our freshman days in university. You’re always a joy to be around - full of vivacity, a cheerful disposition and a laughter that would make anyone think that whatever you’re laughing about is probably the funniest thing to have ever happened. You’re intelligent, quick-witted and you don’t take shit from people - I loved that about you. You’re fiercely protective of your loved ones, and I could always feel the deep sense of loyalty that you have for your friends. 

And you’re so strong. In all these years I’ve known you, I’ve never seen you struggle or allow yourself to be defeated by any setbacks. You were always the first to laugh things off, and overcome things (hahaha though it was mostly over late assignments or exams that you didn’t study for). But your strength and resilience truly presented themselves in this past 1 year where you fought and fought and fought for your life. Thank you for showing me what true courage is.

We will never be the same without you, and nothing can fill the void you’ve left behind. While we grieve for you, we are also celebrating your life - and in that, we shall heal. Since you left us 3 days ago on 10 Feb 2017, we’ve said ‘I love you’ to each other more than we’ve ever expressed over the years. I hope you can rest easy now that your parting gift to us is the solidarity and love that will help us navigate life without your physical presence. But we know you’ll always be right there with us, as our guardian angel. We will do our best to honour your memory for the rest of our lives.  

I love you, Joy. And I miss you. 

P.S: Do put in a good word for us with God. When our time’s up, lets all meet in Heaven and laugh over poached eggs :) 

Thanks to my very conscientious travel buddy, we now have our highlights reel of our St Petersburg trip.