Growing up, I always heard my mom say the words "there's no given time to grieve". Today at 28 years old, I still struggle with the concept of grieving. When I was 13 years old, my father passed away after a very sudden battle with cancer. When he passed away, I was completely numb, you know when you feel something doesn't compute in your brain? I couldn't wrap my brain around the fact that my father was gone. It just didn't seem real to me as a matter of fact, it hit me months later at my 8th grade graduation when my mom was sitting there in the audience. I remember I had a seat on the floor of the gym where I could make direct eye contact with my mom, she looks so proud and smiling from ear to ear that made me happy because I lived to make my parents proud then it hit me " oh my gosh, dad would have really loved this moment, he would have been so proud. That night, as I laid in bed I cried my eyes out. My mom crawled into bed with me, hugged me and said" your dad wouldn't want you crying like this, you have to be strong". Though she meant well my still maturing adolescent mind struggled to understand what she meant at the time. All my life I would hear her say " There's no given time to grieve" but now she's telling me to be strong? As I got older, and I really started to think about wish you the same, I realized that she meant that life goes on and when your loved ones are called him to heaven they want to know that you are doing well and taking care of yourself both physically and emotionally. So in the next few years of my life that's exactly what I try to do, but every birthday ( both mine and his) The many unanswered questions and things that we never got to say to each other always seemed to fill my head. What did he think of me as an adult? Was he proud of me for finishing college? Is he happy that have locks like him? These are just some of the things that I sit and wonder. When he died I didn't feel strong enough to go to his funeral. I was 13, an emotional wreck due to my major depressive disorder with general anxiety disorder. I didn't feel emotionally ready to see him dead in a box. Once again, I wasn't much mature enough to understand the purpose of a funeral. Webster's dictionary defines a funeral as " the observances held for a dead person usually before burial or cremation" . The definition is so cold and unfeeling, I just couldn't bring myself to take part in that, but then I also felt bad because I felt like at that time my father needed me to see him off and to share and love and grieve with other family. I was totally oblivious to the humanistic concept of a funeral where people come together and celebrate the life and great memories that they shared with that person. Still, sometimes, I wondered " what would have happened if I did go to his funeral , would I have gotten the finality and closure that I so desperately seek or do you ever get closure? It's been 15 years since my dad has been gone and still, at times , it feels so fresh, like it just happened. I know it sounds crazy, but that's the way I feel. So what do I do? I try to block it out, I tried to give myself things to do throughout the day but nice thoughts still you come to me not daily by any means but some days it affects me more than others. Instead of giving myself a break, I've always been pretty hard on myself and I tend to get really frustrated because I think to myself why does this still affect you in the magnitude in which it does, as if there is some type of statute of limitations on grief? Some of it has to do with the fact that some of my family members would say, "I think you just like to be sad or he died a long time ago, why are you still crying? " So again, I struggled with my mother's saying. Was I just supposed to forget him or act like he never existed?! I knew that he is in a better place, free from all hurt and suffering but still I miss him. I would like to hear from you? Is there anything in this blog post in particular that resonates with any of you and how do you cope under the circumstances? Until next time, Afeshia B❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
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