I know it is part pride, part stubbornness and maybe part fear, but the greatest reason why I never have (and most likely never will) reach out to you directly, is because I am respecting the decision you made.
The decision you made to delete/block me on Facebook, Instagram and whatever other social media/connections we had each other on before. And honestly, I was upset because it was a complete severance without an explanation, which left me wondering, speculating and in the end accepting that I would never know what exactly was it that cause the end.
But the fact that you had blocked me (and the fact that my phone broke that spring/summer) helped me accept things much easier and, perhaps, much faster. For about six months I didn’t have a functional phone, laptop or anything to call my own. I lived off the school computers, a USB drive, my xbox for entertainment and a kindle for simpler apps (such as Tumblr.)
And it was a two in one blow, because James had straight up told me he never wanted to speak to me again and I respected his decision too. When someone tells (or shows) me to leave them alone, that is what I do. I do not pry, beg or pursue. It is not in my nature. It’s not pride, because that would mean resisting an impulse and I am generally not good at resisting impulses. It’s just a line that I don’t cross with people.
And I guess I am not use to total rejection either. I really am not, James only lasted a few months without speaking to me before he resumed the friendship of his own volition and accord. So when I finally got a new phone and I saw your number in my contacts, I wondered if it was worth keeping. And as months turned into years and I no longer wanted to delete your number off an emotional impulse- when I questioned why I was keeping your contact info (when there was every possibility you had changed numbers, or had my phone number blocked) I still couldn’t bring myself to delete it. You were and to this day remain in my phone as “Vulpix.” So even then, it wasn’t so hard to keep your number; close to the bottom of the list and untouched.
So in September, while Michelle and I ran around Santa Fe, NM, I had dumped my phone in my bag and left it on vibrate. When I do that, I always miss calls. So I had a couple of missed calls that day, and in turn I got to leave voice mails. So, when I thought I heard the faint vibrations of my phone in my bag, I thought it was one of the groomsmen calling me back to continue the game of phone tag.
So imagine my surprise, that instead of the expected groomsman, I see the image of the cute little fox pokemon? I was in shock and vaguely remember Michelle asking “Is it Carson calling you back?”
And I did the unthinkable, I didn’t even take a deep breath, I just answered. And I don’t remember what I said, I just remember thinking, I have no privacy for the next 24 hours, and whatever the reason for the call, it was going to be a private matter.
But of course I was curious, of course I wanted to hear what you had to say.
When I hung up, Michelle could tell I was shaken. I told her the details of it all didn’t matter and that all she had to know was that my “ex-best friend” a person I hadn’t spoken to in years, had just called.
Michelle could tell it was a heavy matter and offered me privacy, but I didn’t want to banish her to the couch. I knew whatever conversation that awaited would be a long one, so what would waiting another day hurt?
But of course Michelle was curious, she had never seen me so shaken, so anxious, so different from the calm, confident person she was use to. Of course I messaged my fiancee and Michelle again offered me privacy, but I assured her that I just needed to text him, I would call him the next day. And finally she was too curious to resist and she asked more about you. Again I didn’t really want to share the story so I sought to satiate her curiosity with an image of you. So I went on Facebook and showed her your profile picture. And thankfully she didn’t pursue the history any further.
I waited until the next day. I waited through the plane ride. Waited as Michelle drove us from LAX and we stopped at a restaurant. After we finished the meal, I sent you a text. Hoping that we could finally have the conversation in the privacy of my own room.
I was even looking forward to it. I told my fiancee that I would call him afterwards, he was immensely curious as well.
I got upset when you didn’t respond. I got upset when you didn’t call. A couple of days later I told Chelsea. And she said the first of a number of rumors that concerned me. I went to look you up on Facebook and I was surprised to discover you had blocked me again. Again I was upset and I pleaded with Chelsea not to tell anyone about the incident.
And I wondered if you never got my text. I wondered when exactly you blocked me. I wondered if I tried calling, or texting, if it would get through to you or hang in space?
Eventually I shared the incident with others. And I heard whispers and almost everyone said the same two things: She wanted to reconnect because you are getting married. OR I heard/saw/noticed _____ so perhaps there is something wrong.
How could I reach out if you had blocked me on Facebook again? I took it as you regretting the phone call and didn’t want me bothering you in any way shape or form. How else could I interpret it?
And what would I say if I called you? “So and so made this comment... I heard this from so and so...” I don’t feel like spreading rumors, because in the end they are just rumors and they do no one any good.
But I guess that will be the rest of my life, always hearing rumors of you, never fully being free of the knowledge of your existence.
“I hope your husband loves you.”
I don’t know you, I don’t know your husband. I don’t know a lot of people. I know who they were, but I like to believe just as I have grown and changed, others have grown and changed too.
