only ranting because it is 3am and i was talking to my favorite aunt about life generally bc of all the people in my family she's been very supportive always and she asked me "do you think they have feelings for you?" and i was like nah and moved on but ive been thinking about it because it's always such an easy no always like. wow. i have no time to think about it anymore because things have gotten very much™ but it is 3am and im like wow i just. i talk a lot about how im fairly clear throughout my interpersonal relationships bc i am but so much of that clarity is just. my friends love me of course they do but there has never been an instant in my life where ive needed to wonder (and specifically wonder) if someone in my life has feelings for me because that does not happen. which is like ok, obviously aur bhi dukh hai zamaane mein mohabbat ke siwa rahatein aur bhi hain waasl ki raahat ke siwa (there are more sorrows in this world than just love, there is relief elsewhere than just in the relief of (re)union) as faiz said yknow? and i do not care to be desired. i know life can go on without it. i have not needed to be desired thus far, i dont think it will suddenly be a need in the last decade or two i have in me. but sometimes u (or well, i) have to sit down and reckon with it y'know? like, it is all jokes and fine. no one has ever been cruel or unkind. even if my value is the convenience of my company, it is not that anyone has been hurtful about it but. sometimes u (i, you don't have to do anything) have to sit with how lucky it is that i never learnt to center desirability for myself because it just is not a thing. if there had been even a little anything in the life events that built up my self perception that had gone even slightly differently, this sort of thing wouldve been maybe unbearable. but it isnt. bc u can bear or unbear only those things that you have a framework to reference for. and there isnt one. i can desire wanting to be worth more than convenience maybe bc i know what it doesnt look like. i cannot desire or question or miss the concept of someone having feelings for me because that is not a thing. what would that look like? who knows. we move. it's a little sad when i put it into words but it's whatever u know? ill wake up tomorrow and ill have a thousand things to do to not be anxious about the future and ill probably finish marius' route for the event and do the others so i can farm for his ssr/sss (idk actually) anniv card because i really want it and i will avoid my parents catching me w the light in my eyes and hope for the future bc that will mean avoiding being berated for existing and i will text my friends and make plans for the coming weeks and maybe ill crochet bc i havent done that in a while and it will be fine. life will go on. but rn it is 3am and im thinking about how easy it is for me to not even entertain or consider the possibility of someone having feelings for me unbeknownst to me bc even when i think ive known, it hasn't been a thing and it's like. huh. how sad.
