at first, i confidently said no. a glimmering smile, a facade curated over the years of heart break and love songs. faltering for the first time since then. concluding into my own thoughts.

there was no where else to run off to in the moment.

would i change my life if i knew the things that i do now? a question i would seen portrayed countless of times in fairytales and comforting runnings on channel 5. it amused me that someone could actually see passed the mile high walls that echoed your voice when you’d scream for the damsel in distress to let them down. was i that weak?

because my answer is indefinitely, yes, i would change it.

i think everything ties back to the very beginning when loved came knocking at my door. the shyness, the courting, everything wrapped neatly within a bow and left behind on the doorstep because back then patience was what it isn’t now and i think deep down, that’s what i seek within nowadays.

to find the same patience it takes to fall in love the same way i fell in love with her when i was only 16 years old.

i don’t know why the memories have been flooding, over spilled the cracked edge and seeping onto the floor. slowly drowning in the realization ill always look for her in every soul ill ever meet. while she fills the void as much as she fills her cups. reeking of alcohol the smell of cigarettes and vanilla, i don’t think there’s a more addictive drug than that.

but she isn’t mine and im not hers and that will always just be a distant memory that she represses and i cherish.

it’s not fair and it’s never been fair.

how i long to hear her voice at night when the moon sings me lullabies all the meanwhile she lays kisses on her new lovers skin.

the voyage of unrequited lovers and thieves. i would find comfort in knowing that as long as we were under the same sky, the crooks could venture but maybe she’d come home to me.

i’d sit in comfort with the same moon that used to tell me stories about her when we went our separate ways. the same moon who comforted me in the pouring rain. the same moon we both fell in love under.

why am i writing this?

because i’m alone now

she’s just a distant memory, a life i can’t ever go back and change the outcome of.

but i want to

because if you were to ask her the same question, the same way i memorized the freckles on her skin is the same way i know she’d say no.

but would you really?

she runs at the sight of regret,

why did you leave me alone in Washington Rock?

she runs at the thought of change.

why didn’t you ever come back to me?

it’s all so pointless.

so yes, i fell in love with her at 16,

but she chose this path for us at 17

and at 24, we’ll never be what we should have been.

but oh how i wish i could change my life now that i know what i do now.