Sail away from the safe harbor..

The difference is, it happens to me just because. You on the other hand, have to make it happen for yourself....or simply hate on it.

So many thoughts & I can't just catch one. I want a better story for my child. I could only hope, wish & pray that my child never feels this. All emotions are inevitable. Sadness, however-- should never be a default. I could only hope that happiness isn't just a default I'm choosing to believe exists. I has to be real. Real. It's just me, me. I'm broken by default. There's more beauty in this world I hope baby sees. I need to not be contagious. I'd never want this for anyone. I'd much rather live up to my selfishness & succeed. Succeed at what I've been failing since 13. It's getting pretty severe, or maybe these extra "feelings", aka hormones-- are attacking the worse part of my brain. Or perhaps the only part that does work. I don't feel anything when I laugh now. I noticed it a few days ago when I felt myself smile at what would normally be funny, but it was just empty. I kept trying regardless because this is a new level. How sad is this? Should I even bother? Why am I even writing these words?

One day happiness will enter our lives for good. Whether together or not. One day happiness will find me, or I it. Whether alive, or by death. My one day will come true.

They say that as a client, you judge your manicurists work for one whole week. You knit pick about every single snip she made on your now almost perfectly polished finger nail. We hardly ever look at what we've overcome to get to where we are. We have a bad habit of just looking at what we have as if we woke up like this. I feel as if I'm just waiting now. I've never waited before. I've usually had a routine, even if I've hated it.. I haven't done what I almost believe I've convinced myself that makes me happy. I haven't felt much of anything lately. Well--aside from pain & discomfort, which is supposed to be going away, eventually. There has to be a reason I've been placed in this world, & even more so because I haven't been successful at taking my own life. I don't feel I know what I should do. I appreciate silence, but I can't work in it. I only ever miss writing whenever I sit here and do it. I never think about it anymore like I once did. That makes me sad.. But it may just be momentarily. As is, everything.

I'm creating new visible scars. I'm scared of having her know who I am, but I think she'll know by the time I go through with meeting her. She wished me a happy good weekend. So far? ..I've created a few new scars, ones I probably wouldn't have if I wouldn't have rescheduled with her. So what now? I've figured out the true reasons behind why I do it. It's not stress or overwhelm. It's the loss of a different kind of self control, one that only ever gets caused by him. Isn't that a buttload? I need to sleep. For a way longer period of time than the absurd amounts I've been sleeping before work lately. I'm not okay. Though I swear a few days ago, I almost seriously convinced myself so otherwise. Silly self diagnosis. Feeling happy too many days in a row is obnoxiously dangerous. I've developed a dangerous habit. One that truly seems unhealthy to all the outsiders, but I'm most confident that I know my limit. I know my limit. I know my limit. I know my limit. I'll be okay.... ...but maybe I do need her help.

So the outcome of all this is that I’m going to just…live with pain.

I question things that don't make sense. I make things happen a certain way.. but then I stupidly question why my life is a certain way. I waste opportunities. I dismiss situations without even knowing that their outcome could actually be something great. What I truly want, I wont be able to get if I keep doing this. If I keep turning away from what scares me, simply because there's a chance for failure. There are very few compliments I'll accept. Physical compliments, I'll dismiss them all. Compliment my work, and I'll only believe it, if I feel good about it. Compliment my mind and or personality & I'll oddly accept it. I guess I'm weird. Not only do I push everyone away...I've also stopped giving people chances.

I’m not really sure what’s happening. It’s not that it feels wrong, it’s just that it feels like I’m feeling everything at once. I’m not sure what that even means.

It makes me feel ridiculously sad that there is so much going through me, and I'm completely alone. Nobody knows, no one sees through my smile, no one sees how sad I really feel. ..but even if they could, they can't help. I want to feel again, I want to feel more than just sad and loneliness. I'm not exactly sure how to fix myself. Tomorrow is another day, one where I'll smile, laugh, possibly give an empty apology and nod with an empty smile when being asked how I'm doing. Just a few more hours of my life to get through another day. Days that I just watch and study people, and I wonder... wonder if anyone else feels this, or if they're truly smiling. Will I ever truly believe that I am good enough? All those times I just tell that reflection in the mirror that she is pretty.. Will I ever really believe it? I'm only here temporarily.. How much time out of this temporary life will I spend feeling this? I'm supposed to have learned more from all of them. But I've gathered that I'm the one with the problem & that's why they all disappear. It's really the only explanation. I just happen to be the easy target at the right time of their timelines. Not one of them ever stopped to think about how they screwed more than what they figuratively did. Sleep isn't really an escape. One second I'm gone, the next I'm back to whatever I try to escape. What's the point? I've been trying for a long time, it's obvious that it hasn't been long enough. But I'm trying to be better and more of something worth being. Maybe I'm doing it wrong, since nothing major is changing. Life really is unfair. ..but that's been a given for a long time. Why am I here? What am I contributing to this world? Honestly.. I feel like that child from a little over 10 years ago, waiting and hoping that "someday" everything will be better. ..someday.

I'm so miserable, but I laugh at everything.

You've got it all wrong. But I'll never convince you. These little moments help me feel better in the long run. I hope to be doing everything right, even if I'm not overthinking things as I probably should. I want to get rid of that disgusting feeling of expecting the worse all the time. The wishes I keep making when I light candles are ridiculous. I shouldn't wish for that. It's one of the most selfish things I've ever wanted. & even if I do get it, I'll throw it away. People don't want to stick around when they get to know me. Not for any good reason anyway. How is it possible to create mind blocks? You know, when suddenly something just completely blocks a memory? Something that used to be so common is suddenly gone? I want to remember. But at the same time I really don't & I guess that's more powerful. It still stands, whatever's meant to be, will work out perfectly.

Exhale: After Abortion Hotline/Pro-Voice: 1-866-4394253

It's strange, you know? To feel absolutely nothing for anyone. ..to just spend my days either focusing on what's in front of me, or actually day dreaming about my future. On my drive to work this morning, I started thinking of how I've been driving to work with no real goal. No real "hope", but all in the wrong sense. I'm doing it because I have to. I have no one to talk to (outside of work) while at work. I'm looking forward to nothing, after work. When I'm home, I don't have anyone to talk to (outside of my family). ..I felt alive without motive. Another part of me, thought that... Well, I'm working for me. If I have no one to talk to or spend time with, I'm not spending money. I could save for that pretty small but HUGE dream I have. ...No where throughout that entire thought process, did I once feel sad. My only ridiculous goal was to make it to Starbucks while hoping there wasn't a long line so I would make it to work on time...... Which I did. ...by a whopping 35mins. People know the very basics about me. Things that don't really matter. Like my obsession with ducks. Or all the reruns of Friends I don't stop watching. That I like makeup & "I think she does hair". That I have a dog... To my knowledge, there is one person that knows more about me than I know myself. This one individual who has silently observed, & has read between every line I've ever said or written. That one person, is the one I keep the most distance from. I don't know why. I really think every single word I just wrote is empty. There are way more feelings behind them all, than I'm actually experiencing. I feel absolutely nothing. ..perhaps just strange. & strange is a big deal.

If I really had the option to choose, I’d pick neither. 
I cried with every bit of strength that’s scattered throughout my body. It’s a cycle now.
I’m in between the bad and good.
I’m fighting to stay on the good and so the sand isn’t sinking me as quickly. I don’t know how to show it.
I want to go away.
I want that little vacation I used to take with him..
Those were such happy moments.. …it’s those thoughts I have to stay away from.
 I’ll never let him go.
How do you possibly let go of someone who was once everything to you?
Who’s family was just as loving and caring as my own..
 It was me who threw it, him.. away.
I’m here now, because I’ve made this happen.
Is this regret?
Am I actually happy for him?
Has part of me meant it at all when I’ve told him I am? He was the only person to be supportive & make me feel good about breaking my promise.
 The most unexpected person, made me feel okay about what my so called best friend still won’t let me live down today. He was my true best friend, my true..everything.
I was just a child in search for more, because I was selfish. He doesn’t hold a grudge, not anymore.
..he seems happy with her. ..all I could ever want is for him to be happy.
..even if she doesn’t let him talk to me.
He’ll do anything for her, because that’s just the kind of man he is. Why am I thinking of him so much lately? I hate this game of “show too much interest & he’ll lose interest in you”. All it means to me is that I’ll never be able to give myself to anyone, because they’ll just leave. & what’s the point?
Why go through so much, for nothing? I just want someone who’ll be there, be supportive of my insane not-so-well-thought out decisions, who’ll try and reason with me without judging.
Who’ll be understanding, caring but know when to give me space. Without questioning.. I want the impossible. 13yrs ago I longed for a "someday" I thought would never get to me. Today, I'm thankful with every inch of me to no longer be there. ..however, I'm somewhere else I need to get out of, but only emotionally. Physically, I love it here.

I've always talked to myself as if I'm actually talking to someone else. As if it's not even me thinking whatever it is I'm saying. Saying these words out loud: "I am good enough", feels completely different than saying "you are good enough". & with something so small, yet powerful, I feel I just accomplished something else. I hope I can sleep better now.

You never needed me. & no, I'll never understand it, or see it. Because to me, things aren't true either, until you reassured me. Which you never did. You kept feeding me mind games. Every time I think of you, I send you the best. The best of everything. & then I drop it. I can't keep wasting time on you. Why should I keep fighting for someone, who's so quick to discard me? I'm eternally grateful. You touched my life in a positive way. ..at least that's the way I'm choosing to see you as. You helped me see the amazing person I can be towards another human being. As well as helped me see how stupid I can be, for continuing to give my all even after being repeatedly unappreciated. I can thank you for helping me understand what I've been doing wrong to others. For helping me understand how shitty one can feel for being kept a secret. It's helped me build a stronger face. I no longer feel it. That precious feeling, the one I truly loved and equally hated. I can't hold anything against you. I still always wish you the best, even though you don't need it. You're pretty amazing in your own way. Thank you for turning me into a beautiful butterfly.