FOXY

I’ve not really thought about this in years. I am who I am and in general I think it’s incredibly easy to treat people with respect and I’ve never struggled with that. I do wear coloured contact lenses for work to make my patients feel more comfortable and remove my headscarf because it’s not typical in Finnish culture and it just raises more questions.

doctorswithoutborders: Nov 20th: Video of five MSF vehicles in front of our clinic in #Gaza City that were destroyed. Severe damage was also caused to our clinic. Their destruction can be attributed to an Israeli bulldozer and a heavy military vehicle. The vehicles and clinic were all clearly identifiable by the MSF logo. “We heard a strange sound, like cars being crushed, and gunshots. I looked through the window and I saw the cars had been pushed to the side and a fire had started. Once the tanks moved a little further away, I started filming, though I was scared. It was a terrible, frightening sight. My colleagues were in the clinic and I was afraid the fire could reach them. The fire crept up along the trees [by the clinic]. The electrical wiring also caught fire. It was a horrible scene.” Before they were destroyed, these MSF vehicles were potential evidence for any independent investigation into the November 18 attack on the MSF convoy, resulting in the killing of two people. 

Because they don’t accept any criticism.

I don’t regret many things in my life nor would I ever take back what I said and did but I truly wish I had not fallen into their trap. I was followed and surveilled and in the end they did it openly wanting me to know that they knew where I was going and who I was meeting with, making their presence felt. It resembles scientology in a way; if you’re a persona non grata someone is always standing near you, harassing you, taking pictures and not answering any questions if they’re spoken to. It drives you mad.

My best friend’s mother was born in Tel Aviv – but later emigrated to the UK because she didn’t agree with the politics – so he has some extended family in Israel. They’re activists and wanted to meet us and I also wanted to meet a OB/GYN colleague/activist in Al-Khalil I’d only ever spoken to online and on the phone. We picked Eurovision week because we thought it wouldn’t draw attention since we go every year. My mother’s side were active members of NSDAP so like whatever, I knew I’d be on some naughty list despite having cut off all ties to my family the day I turned 18. Unfortunately, Gary was also a target right away because of his family connections and he was understandably very frightened and distressed when he was approached and suddenly questioned about it. At the end of the week I lost my temper and we were escorted to our gate at Ben Gurion. I was never given a court order or any paper, they just took more pictures and told me that I wouldn’t be able to board a flight to Israel ever again and I believe them, they’re fucking thorough in their suppression of any criticism. Gary doesn’t know his status but has been too scared to even try to go back.

I can’t remember the last time I felt spontaneous joy. Simple things used to make me happy, like cooking or playing with our cats.

Gary arranged a surprise trip for us to Prague and Berlin last month. He took me to Michelin-star restaurants, the Prague zoo, a Hatari gig and had booked really nice hotels. I’ve been meaning to visit Jüdische Museum for a long time but I’ve kept postponing it because it’s a bit upsetting I guess. He went with me, which was nice. This whole trip made me feel appreciated but also anxious when I think about how much money he must have spent on me.