Instead of saying this soup was made from whatever canned vegetables I’ve got lying around I’m gonna call it pottage. Makes me sound like medieval peasant.

I always find it weird when they try to market some food or another as being the solution to all of your problems when you could get the exact same benefit from eating a blueberry or whatever

well, no, i didn’t expect leopards to eat my face, but this obviously wasn’t what the leopards eating people's face party wanted. they were stifled by their opposition and bureaucratic red tape! i think we should give more power to the leopard eating face party, so the leopards only eat the faces of people who deserve it. plus they just put a new leopard in charge of the face eating, and i think this one really brings something new to the table. so yes i'm voting for the leopards eating people's face party again. why wouldn't i.

accidentally referred to someone’s elderly rescue dog as their secondhand dog and I feel like that was a massive linguistic failure on my part 🧍‍♂️…their Goodwill chihuahua

your life is too easy. you need to go to the nearest animal shelter and adopt the first tortoiseshell cat you see

Daily affirmations for tesla owners: your car is ugly as hell and everyone hates you

Since opening up can be scary, here's a post to let your moots know that if they're stressed, excited, sad, etc. or need/want to talk, your DMs are open 🫂.

love it when mutuals appear in my activity like omigosh hiii

aquarium date? sorry, I mean museum date? sorry, I mean planetarium date? sorry, I mean botanical garden date? sorry, I mean grocery shopping together? sorry, I mean

the other day a friend of a friend referred to "busting out of your abdomen like the alien from the Predator films" and I was completely caught off guard. like I guess that's - that's not wrong. the alien was. okay she was in the Predator films. well some of them. but like. she had her own. she's the alien from the Alien films. like. they have her name on them. he's not "King Kong from the Godzilla films"