Angst central

Steve Rogers x reader

Pairing: Steve Rogers x fem! reader - MAJOR ANGST

Summary: Steve loves you. He has since the moment he saw you, but he what he wants more than anything is for you to see how worthy you truly are!

Warnings: MAJOR TRIGGER WARNING mentions Child Sexual Abuse, Physical abuse, violence, fighting

Word count: 15k

“Hurry up…he’ll be here soon, and I want to get a good seat at the front”

“Urgh…do I really have to go with you”

“PLEASEEEEEE, I don’t want to be left alone with all those stinky boys. You’re the only other girl so I want to sit with you. At the front.”

“How about this…” I begin. 

One thing about my best friend Elle is that she is persistent. She will wear you down until you give in, but I think that’s one of the things I love most about her. Being the only 2 females in our entire section in the army, we have no choice but to have each other’s backs. There’s nothing wrong with the guys, but there’s only so much testosterone a girl can withstand, and in the sea of brothers, she’s my sister. The best sister and friend I could have ever asked for. Not to mention the perfect soldier. We know we’ll always have each other’s backs, both on and off the battlefield. Which is why I would do anything for her. Including going to see Steve Rogers’ ‘inspiring speech for the soldiers’ this afternoon. 

I’d much prefer to be doing anything else. Admittedly the thought of attending an inspiring talk for the army makes me want to scream. Just the thought of the army makes me want to scream. Don’t get me wrong, my 8 years as a soldier have been wonderful. They gave me a home, money, skills, and friends for a lifetime. But it’s not my calling anymore. I yearn for more. And I’ve already began my discharge process with my CO. Not that I’ve told Elle…or anyone else for that matter. So the thought of Steve Rogers talking at me for 2 hours about all the positive aspects of serving your country makes me feel violently ill. I was hoping Elle would find someone else to go with so I can stay back and start job and apartment hunting. The pros of living in the barracks was being able to squirrel away quite a bit of money. Not enough to never work again, but I have enough for a deposit on an apartment and to be able to live comfortably for a few months whilst looking for a job. The cons of living on the barracks are that you’re basically never alone. And given that I haven’t told anyone I’m leaving, I can’t quite whip out my laptop and start looking in front of them. 

“If I agree to come and sit with you, you’ll let me leave halfway through”. 

“AHHHH you’re the best” Elle screams, practically dragging me off my bed and into the hallway, with so much energy I can barely contain my laughter. It will only be an hour at most for me, so how bad can it be? 

Steve’s POV

Public speaking has never been one of my strong suits. It makes me uncomfortable on a whole other level. All those eyes staring at me make me feel like the small skinny kid from Brooklyn all over again. Poor Bucky has been made to listen to my speech 3 times this morning to make sure I don’t stumble, and I still feel awful. Or I did, until I stepped onto to the small podium set up and looked down to the front row to see the prettiest girl I’d ever seen. Her y/h/c hair was pulled up into a tight military standard bun, but that just meant her other features were accentuated. Her round cheeks and sharp nose were striking, but most beautiful of all were her eyes. The y/e/c orbs bore a tired expression yet were still enchanting. Averting my gaze was difficult, but upon doing so I noticed there was only one other woman in the room with her. And she was sat next to her…looking far more excited. In fact, every other face in the room bore excitement and happiness, except hers. So why is she sat in the first row? 

After an hour I decided to take a break. The woman in the front row was distracting me too much. Every time I looked at her, I found it hard to look away, which distracted me and made me stumble a few times. When I got to the door to exit the room, I heard too many voices. I knew they would all swamp me at some point, but I didn’t think it would be this early on. Usually, they wait to the end. When I turned around to find somewhere else to go, I saw a flash of camo exit out of a slowly closing fire exit. ‘I wonder where she’s going’ I thought and decided to follow her. 

Evidently, she had run from where I saw her, but all barracks are pretty much laid out the same and given the number of speeches I’ve given and barracks I’ve been in, I’m 99% certain I can find my way to the mess hall at least. 

Evidently the mystery woman didn’t want to hang around because by the time I got out of the door she was gone. I was hoping to catch up to her and figure out if her early exit was because the speech was terrible or if there was something else bothering her. Bucky told me the speech was fine, but I have a feeling he would’ve said anything in the end which meant he wouldn’t have to listen to another word. But I needn’t have worried over finding her, as upon entering what I assumed was the mess hall, I noticed a figure huddled in the corner, back facing the door as she scrolled on a laptop. 

I know I shouldn’t pry; my mother raised me better than that, but my learnt stealth from being a super soldier meant I could take a few steps closer to see what she was doing. I relaxed when I realised, she was apartment hunting. It wasn’t my speech that gave her that faraway look thanks goodness! The closer I got, the more I could smell her. An entrancing floral smell. Addicting. What I’d want my home to smell like after coming home from a difficult mission. Rolling over in bed and catching a whiff from her pillow. Her pillow? Wait what? What am I saying. I don’t even know this girl. Before I allowed my thoughts to spiral even more, I decided now was the time to strike up conversation. 

“Barracks accommodation that bad huh?”

“JESUS CHRIST WHAT THE FU-…oh” she screamed turning around at the same time. But when she saw me, she stopped.

“No please, carry on. Cuss me out, I deserved that.” I replied sheepishly.

“N…no, of course you didn’t. You just scared me that’s all, sorry sir.” She murmured quietly as she stood and saluted. 

“No need to salute soldier. Or call me sir, it’s just Steve” I know it’s been drilled into her over and over to always salute the higher ups, but I don’t think I will ever get used to the formality of it all.

“Sorry Sir…I mean Steve” she replied somewhat shyly. 

“I came to ask why you looked like you’d rather be stationed in a war zone that be in that front row earlier. You escaped pretty fast too. It wasn’t that boring, was it?”

“Oh gosh no Sir! STEVE!” She corrected rather quickly and loudly. There was a tinge of red to her cheeks which made me smile. 

“It was quite inspiring really. I think it would have been better for people considering enlisting though. Not those already signed up. Every one of us in that room knows what sacrifice for the country looks like. None more than you of course…I’m sorry” she quickly backtracked, looking sheepish when she realised the tangent she went on. 

“No, no. This feedback is good. I encourage it. People are always too quick to blow steam up my ass. I appreciate the honesty.” She looked rather shocked by my reply. Either that or the language.

 “Now I’m sorry. I shouldn’t use that type of language in front of a beautiful dame.” Now she really blushed. I smiled again. “Just want to quell the golden boy image Stark is so keen to persist.” She laughed at that, and boy was it the nicest laugh I’ve heard in a while. 

“You don’t need to watch your language around me. Trust me. Army boys don’t know how to speak without accompanying every other word with a colourful French word.” She replied, shuffling over and offering me a seat at the bench. 

“Ah I understand. Thank you. Now, is it too nosy to ask why you fled so quickly.” 

“I suppose not. I’m apartment hunting.”

“Ah, say no more.”

“Yeah….” She murmured, glancing glumly back at the computer screen. 

“Is the barracks really that bad?” I questioned, growing slightly concerned. Being Captain America has certain perks, and I can pull certain strings. If there’s one thing I’ll advocate for, it’s the comfort of our soldiers. Having been one myself, I know it’s not easy.

“Well, they aren’t the best. But that’s not why. I leave the army in 2 weeks and have yet to find somewhere.”

“Ah…any particular reason why?”

“I just don’t feel fulfilled anymore. The army used to give me pride. I felt like I was doing something good. A reason to feel proud of myself. But after 2 tours of Afghanistan and 1 of Iraq, I often feel like I left more of a mess than what greeted me. I guess I just need to find what motivates me again.” 

“I meant, was there any particular reason why you couldn’t find an apartment. There are a few apartments in my building that are vacant.” I replied grinning, but it was clear she didn’t take it that way. She began to blush even harder. 

“But I understand what you were saying” I hastened to add. “It’s like a calling. A yearning to help people. And if you don’t feel that calling anymore, then it’s hard to carry on in the job. Sometimes I go through periods of doubt about what I do to.” She visibly relaxed at my understanding, making me feel 100 times better. 

“It’s not that I don’t feel the yearning anymore. I think I will always feel. What I was born to do. I’ve just become disenfranchised with job. I don’t seem to be helping people at the minute.” My heart warmed at her honesty. It feels quite rare to find others who feel the same way. 

“Do you have any other jobs in mind at the moment?”

“No, why. Any spare avenger jobs going?” She quipped back with a grin, making me smile in return. God, she has a beautiful smile. 

“Not quite avenger level, no. But S.H.I.E.L.D. are recruiting for agents again. They always give first dibs to ex-military, and a kind word from me can get you straight through to an interview.” The look of shock on her face was pleasing. 

“Really? You could do that? An actual agent. I didn’t think I was qualified enough” she mumbled to herself, but super soldier hearing meant I heard every word. 

“Why wouldn’t you be? Trust me, I work with them day in, day out. They’re no different from you. You have the right attitude, and whilst I haven’t seen your combat training, I’m sure it’s satisfactory if you survived three tours in some of the most active war zones.”

“How do you know where we served?”

“I like to know who my men, and women, are” I replied, somewhat sheepishly, having to admit that I got Stark to background search every soldier here. It’s true that ex-military make the best agents. 

“Oh. Well, I’ll definitely think about it. I can’t lie, waitressing really doesn’t appeal to me, and that’s all that comes up.”

“Well, accommodation comes included so, here take my card and give me a call when you decide. I’ll send over the application form and when I see you’ve submitted it, I’ll start pulling strings.” I winked, handing over my card with my personal number on. Usually, I’d give out my business card, but something about this woman made me feel like giving her my personal would be better. 

Y/N’s POV.

Holy shit. Captain America gave me his number. 

“Walk me out?” He started as he got up from the bench. Still in shock, I pocketed the card and started to lead him to the main gate.

“Don’t you have to finish the talk?” I suddenly remembered.

“Nah…I’ll blow it off as some avenger emergency or something like that.”

“Fair enough, I’ll pretend I never saw you” I reply with a grin. He hesitated as though he wanted to say something else, but instead just smirked and headed out of the gate. Just before he ducked into the car, he called out. 

“Hey y/n. Don’t lose my number.” I sucked in a breath. I thought he’d been quite flirtatious when he called me a ‘beautiful dame’, but I didn’t want to just assume. “We could really use some people like you with your kind of attitudes at S.H.I.E.L.D.” Oh. 

“Sure…I’ll…I’ll think about it.” I stuttered out, drowning in embarrassment. How on earth could I think that the Captain America would be flirting with me. With that, he winked, closed the door and sped off. 

“Why is Captain America scouting you for S.H.I.E.L.D?” Asked a very angry Elle. 

“Elle…” I started but couldn’t say anymore. 

“Forget it…” she mumbled dejectedly as she raced back inside. Great. This was going to be a very nice conversation. Not. 

6 WEEKS LATER

“There you are! I’ve been looking for you all day!” Shouted the very handsome Captain. 

When he visited the barracks, and when we met for coffee to discuss my application, he wore civilian clothing, but today he wore his suit, tied at the waste with a black under armour shirt on top that showed every single muscle. Not salivating at the mouth was going to be harder than a dog not drooling in a butcher. He was accompanied by a fierce looking Bucky Barnes, and cheeky looking Sam Wilson. 

“Looking for me?” I replied, slightly shocked and also embarrassed under the gazes I was getting. 

“Of course! And I brought reinforcements to help move your stuff” he smiled, pointing to Bucky and Sam. 

“Oh gosh, that really isn’t necessary. Not that I don’t appreciate it, but no one else has help.”

“They have their families” Bucky replied. 

Whilst looking incredibly miserable, a closer look at his eyes showed life. Love. Happiness. Coming from a place of healing. And also understanding. Of course, the former spy had noted the lack of familial assistance I had compared to everyone else. I was hoping Elle might help but she still hasn’t forgiven me for not telling her sooner. 

“Where are your family y/n?” Sam Wilson questioned, smiling also at me, clearly picking up on my unease. 

“Out of town” I replied way too quickly, and by the look on the three avengers’ faces, they knew I did too. 

“Well, we’re here now, so show us where your car is, and Buck and I can grab some boxes whilst Steve shows you to your room. He pulled some strings to get you on the nicer side of the tower” 

Sam winked. A glance at Steve told me they weren’t making it up. 

“I told you don’t call me Buck” 

“What you gonna do Maggie?”

“Maggie??” Steve asked looking incredibly confused, but also very done with their bickering. Something about the way he allowed it to ensue told me this was quite a frequent occurrence. 

“Short for magnet. Like his arm” Sam replied, trying not to smile but failing miserably. 

“Jesus wept”

 “Shut it bird brain” both Steve and Bucky replied at the same time. 

“Here, take my keys, it’s the white one over there” I replied, tossing Bucky the keys, hoping to break up whatever quarrel they were having now. 

After some resistance on my part, Steve took the box and suitcase I was carrying whilst I went to the reception desk to sign in and pick up my keys. Because I was with Steve, his advanced authorisation meant we got to take the nice elevator with the view of New York. I couldn’t tear my eyes away. 

“It’s beautiful isn’t it.” Steve mumbled, very close to my neck. So close, in fact, I could feel his breath sweep over the tiny hairs there. 

“Yes.” One word was all I could manage. From both shock and his closeness, and at the view. 

Looking down to the ground, we both saw Bucky and Sam clearly squabbling over who got to carry the largest box. It looked like Bucky was winning, but he does have the metal arm. 

“I know you Avengers value your private lives, but I’m sure a gay wedding between the falcon and the winter solider would have broken the internet”. Steve let out a mighty howl at that and doubled over, nearly dropping the box, and was laughing so hard that I couldn’t help but laugh with him. The butterflies in my stomach seemed to be laughing as well as they tripled in intensity when Steve straightened up and looked at me. 

“Well, if there was a wedding, I wasn’t invited” he smirked. “Don’t worry, they’re like this all the time. But I know they have each other’s backs which matters more to me than anything else.” It was sweet how much he seemed to care. 

“That’s nice to see” I commented, thinking longingly about Elle. He seemed to notice. 

“Everything okay”

“Yes. Yes. It’s fine. I’m just tired that’s all. Been a long day”

“Well as soon as they figure out who can carry a box, we can leave you to unpack. It’s an early start tomorrow. 5am.” He smiled understandingly. 

“Early!! Practically a lie in in comparison” I joked. 

“Ah. A fellow early bird. Sometimes the three of us go running in the mornings. You’re more than welcome to join us”.

“If there’s one thing I didn’t do enough of it was running. I think I’ll give it a miss but thank you though.” The thought of plain ol’ me running with three superheroes was daunting to say the least. 

The room Steve secured for me is incredible. Floor to ceiling windows that offered the best view of New York, with a huge bed in the middle, and a gigantic bathroom with a huge porcelain bathtub in the middle.

 “Wow Steve. Please tell me every other trainee has a room like this.” 

“Well...they all have beds and bathtubs and windows” he teases, after watching my awe-struck gaze. 

“But not like these” I finish. 

“By no means are they shabby. But it’s just a double instead of a king, and there’s no bathtub. But they do have windows. Obviously. They’re the floor below us” he adds. 

“Us?” I squeak out. 

“You’re sharing with us doll. In Steve’s defence, they had run out of rooms for the recruits. For all the brains Stark’s supposed to have, he can’t count enough rooms out.” Quipped Bucky carrying three boxes, followed by Sam who had the remaining suitcase and a potted plant. 

“No shit” I burst out, then slapped my hand over my mouth when I realised what I said. That made them chuckle.

“Please don’t feel like you need to watch your language doll. You say military are bad. Wait until you spend 5 minutes with Stark” Steve comforted. 

“Steve mentioned you were military.” Sam said, with a questioning tone. As Bucky deposited my car keys back into my hand I saw the questioning in his eyes again as well. 

“Medical corps. Afghanistan and Iraq. 3 years” I offered. 

“SHIT. I KNEW I RECOGNISED YOU. DO YOU RECOGNISE ME?” Sam burst out, jumping Bucky causing him to scowl again. 

“Of course I do, I see your face on the news every other day.” I quipped.

“Why every other day?” Sam distractedly asked. 

“Because I don’t watch it every day.” Steve and Bucky snickered at my response. 

“Fairs. But anyway. Iraq. Me and a guy called Riley. We both had bullet wounds and you patched us up.” Sam probed. 

“Of course!” I replied, immediately remembering this time. “Glad to know you made it out alive. I was sorry to hear about your friend though” 

“Me too kid. You were with another chick that day. What was her name? Ellie, Elena??”

“Elle” I supply.

“Yes, Elle. She was cute. What happened to her. Please tell me she’s still alive” he smirked. 

“Yes. Elle is still very much alive. And serving. We actually room shared back at the barracks.” I replied, even though the thought of Elle made my chest pang. 

“Bring her round some time, yeah?” Sam asked. I didn’t know what to say in return. How do I tell them she’s not talking to me at the minute. I barely know the guys. I’m not going to offload onto them like that. 

“Errrr” I started.

“Alright guys, that’s enough grilling. Let’s leave y/n to settle in and unpack.” Steve said, placing a large warm hand on my shoulder in comfort. When we met for coffee a few weeks ago it accidentally slipped that Elle wasn’t talking to me, so thankfully he knows the situation enough not to pry. 

“That’s all you have??” Bucky asked quite shocked. 

“Military life. No time or space for possessions.” I offer back. A quick, fixed answer I give every time I move, and people comment on my lack of possessions. 

The real reason is that I left home when I was 16 with only the clothes on my back. Only Elle knows why. My heart hurts just thinking about her. Bucky smiled back at me, and a glance at the other two revealed similar expressions of understanding. 

“We’re all military men, so we know better than most.” Sam answered with sincerity. 

“Thanks guys.” I squeaked out, feeling overwhelmed at their niceness. “See you tomorrow morning, bright and early.” 

5 Months later….

STEVE’S POV 

“Stop. Pulling. Your. PUNCHES” y/n all but screamed at me. 

Every word was punctuated with a hit, but they were sloppy. She’s distracted by something, and I can tell, which is why I am pulling my punches. If I hurt her, I wouldn’t forgive myself. Over the last 6 months y/n has excelled in the program, quickly rising the ranks to become one of the best trainees. I know for a fact that Fury is already eyeing her up for additional training in a few weeks when she graduates to support Avenger missions. With her accomplishments, I find my respect and admiration for her growing more and more. I know that Elle still hasn’t spoken to her, but she manages to push it to the back of her mind and continue kicking ass both physically and mentally in the aptitude tests. Even Tony pulled me aside and said I’d made a good spot with her. However, given that we basically live together, train together (I as her mentor, and she as my mentee), and spend a lot of free time together (not that I am complaining though), I think I know her well enough to figure out that the situation with Elle isn’t her only distraction. 

A few weeks ago, y/n, Sam, Bucky and I were returning from a run in the morning when we passed a man. A man who made y/n stop in her tracks. Her bright smile vanished, eyes becoming glazed, and body drawing in on itself. 

“Hey doll you good?” Asked Bucky, noticing y/n had dropped back, eyes following the man. I turned to look at her, and noticed the man was walking away from us, but still had his head turned to smile at y/n. Bucky’s comment snapped y/n out of her trance. 

“Fine” was all she said. 

“You sure. Hey, if he’s an awful ex or something we can go 10 rounds in your next hand-to-hand combat training exercise” Sam joked. 

“I said it was fine. It’s fine. Now leave it.” She snapped, ducking into the nearest corridor and taking the stairs to our floor. 

“What did I say?” Sam asked, genuinely confused over how he could have upset her. 

“Punk” was all Bucky said as he looked at me. One thing about being friends with someone for so long is that you learn how to communicate without words. 

“Oh… you’re doing the weird eye talking thing.” Sam commented.

 I knew Bucky was wondering if I was going to go after her, but the way she stormed off alone told me that she needed a minute to herself alone. With that, Bucky, Sam and I made our way back up to the common room of the Avengers-only floor. 

When I went to check up on y/n a few hours later, she was nowhere to be found. Clearly, she was still affected by the man in the lobby earlier. Deciding that I needed to get to the bottom of this, I pulled up the CCTV footage and used JARVIS for facial-recognition. Turns out the guy was someone called Luke Jackson, one of the finance guys up on the 4th floor, with no known connection to y/n, the trainee program, or the Avengers. And despite never seeing him around the tower again, y/n was still upset about the encounter weeks later. Yes, her punches got harder, and her attitude sharpened, but so did her eyes. Gone was the bright spark, replaced with a cold ice that only revealed anger and hurt, and today I decided I was going to get to the bottom of it. 

“If I don’t pull my punches, you’ll be eating out of a tube indefinitely” I warn. 

“Fuck you” she pants.

“THAT’S YOUR COMMANDING OFFICER” Brock Rumlow’s voice boomed from behind me.

 I have never been bothered by the way y/n talks to me. In fact, I welcome it, because it means that we have a deeper relationship than just mentor/mentee. And I kind of deserved it, I was winding her up and I know it. But I know her well enough now to know that sometimes she pushes me, so I push back so she knows I’m there. She actually told me that herself. Which is why I oh so kindly Rumlow to do the same, he’s been on y/n’s back ever since she got here and I’m yet to find out why. Even Bucky picked up on it. 

“She knows thank you Rumlow. Carry on with what you were doing” I warn sternly. 

“Does she?” he sneers with that awful side smirk. God, I hate this man. 

“Yes sir. My apologies Captain Rogers. Agent Rumlow. I think I’ll take my break now.” She mumbles, then practically sprints off of the training mats and is out of the room. 

Before I can go after her, however, one of the other agent steps up seeing a window of opportunity. Usually, I enjoy sparring with the trainees but all I want to do right now is go after her. I’ve never seen her this distracted, and even though I see Brock go after her, I still worry because I know he will be of no help. After a quick text to Sam and Bucky to see if they will go find her, I try my best to put the issue out of mind and focus on the trainee in front of me. 

Y/N’S POV

I know I’ve been distracted. In the beginning I could squash it. Missing Elle was all that bothered me, but when I was training, I managed to put it to the back of my mind enough so that I only had to unpack it at night when I was alone in my room and desperately wishing I could call her to update her about my days in training. Even I have to admit that I’ve done quite well and am proud of how quickly I’ve learnt the skills required. Bucky let me in on a little secret Steve made him swear not to tell me that THE Nick Fury was watching me to see if I would be suitable as a supporting agent for literal Avenger missions. That kept me in good spirits. That was until I saw him. 

I know I swore that I wouldn’t run with literal avengers, but it is actually quite a lot of fun. Bucky and Sam race each other, and Steve always give me a cute little wave as he passes me. On the way back in from a very refreshing run, I passed him in the lobby. Wearing a suit and tie with a Stark employee ID badge on. My big brother Luke. I knew he spotted me from the way he smirked at me. It stopped me in my tracks. I thought I’d escaped him. I thought I’d never have to see him again. But somehow, he found me, and the next day when I stepped into the gym and saw Brock Rumlow waiting at the front as a trainer, I knew exactly how Luke had found me. Growing up, Brock and Luke were best buddies, much like Steve and Bucky. But the difference was that they were bullies. The meanest kind. Beating people up just for breathing too loud. Brock took one look at me, and he knew that I knew. He also knew I wouldn’t say a thing. Which is why I’ve been doing my best to keep my head down. After I stormed off that day in the lobby, I was incredibly grateful that neither Sam, Bucky nor Steve questioned me about it. But with the way Brock has been winding me up recently and leering over everything I do, I know it’s only a matter of time before someone catches on. And that time is looming dangerously close when I hear him leer at me from behind. 

“Where do you think you’re going baby cakes” Urgh. That god awful nickname that he’s always called me creepily, even when I was just a kid. 

“I’m due a break sir. I was headed to the mess quarters” I reply, picking up my pace. I know that if we get into a public space, he’ll leave me alone. He wouldn’t dare draw negative attention to himself. 

“Tut-tut. It’s not the mess quarters, is it? You’re not in the military now sweetheart. You can’t escape him forever” 

“Escape who?” booms the voice of Bucky Barnes. Never in my life have I been so grateful to see a 6ft something super soldier. 

Over the past few months, Bucky has been somewhat of a brother-figure to me. The saying ‘it takes one to know one’ has never been more accurate when it comes to shared trauma. Every time I look into his eyes it’s like looking into a mirror reflection of my own…deep purple bags from lack of sleep, dull irises as the pain of the past swims across them, and pupils always darting around, waiting for the next attack. I know he sees exactly the same in me. But he never asks, and neither do I. Sometimes it’s like we function on a wavelength no one else reaches. I know when he has had a tough night, and he knows when I failed to slay my own demons. 

 I spun around to definitely check he was there. Brock wouldn’t dare try anything in front of the Winter Solider…even he’s not that stupid. 

“See ya later baby cakes” Brock winked at me, then turned around headed back to the gym. Bucky began walking toward me. 

“Baby cakes?” Bucky asked, quirking an eyebrow but coming up by the side of me as I continued walking. 

“Long story” I muttered, hoping he’d drop it like he does all the other times something seems to bother me.

 And at the moment, everything seems to bother me. God, they’re never going to want to keep me around after this, and the thought of it almost takes my breath away. I’ve worked so hard to get to where I am, to forget the past. And it seems to just keep catching up to me. Bucky seems to pick up on my melancholy. 

“Hey. You know that if anything or anyone bothers you, you can always come to me. Or Steve. Or Sam. Heck, you could come to any of us, and we’d help you. We like ya y/n and we want you around.” 

“Thanks Buck. I know you guys are there.” I reply, struggling to keep the tears at bay. “Why are you down here anyway?” I question, realising that he’s not scheduled for training today. He places an arm around my shoulder looking slightly sheepish as he waves his phone with his metal arm at me. 

“Steve was worried about ya. Sent me and Sam looking for you, and by the looks of it, it was a good job too. I don’t like that Brock guy and I certainly don’t trust him. In fact, I’m yet to meet an agent who does.” He warns, but I can’t entirely focus on what he says as I’m too focused on the fact that Steve sent him and Sam to look for me… for me. To make sure I was okay. And they came. 

“Trust me Bucky, I can handle myself.” I try to reassure him. 

“Trust me, I know. Doesn’t mean I don’t worry about ya doll”.

There is so much sincerity in his eyes I find it hard not to tell him the whole thing. Realistically, I know I should tell them. They can get rid of Luke. They can protect me, and the child in me yearns for protection, but adult me knows they have much worse to deal with. 

“Aww that’s cute old man” I joke, hoping to change the subject, but one look into his eyes tells me he knows what I’m doing. 

I’m deflecting. Hiding something. It’s the same look he gave me when we first met, and then when I saw Luke in the lobby, and pretty much every time I’ve seen him since. 

“Okay doll. I won’t push. If there’s one thing I know about you by now, it’s that if you don’t wanna talk about it, you’re not going to.” 

“Thanks Buck.” Is all I can utter.

“But you can buy me lunch” he winks. 

1 week later…

It’s been torture. All of the avengers got called out on an emergency mission that’s hydra-related. I’m not supposed to know that, but the avengers seem to trust me enough to tell me. 6 days ago they went, which means it’s been 6 days of Brock-related hell. He automatically took over as head-trainer and he has not let me forget it. And he definitely doesn’t pull his punches. 

Thankfully at 4:37am this morning Steve sent a message to say they were all on their way back, and all completely unharmed following a highly successful mission. But that doesn’t mean they’re back yet. It’s just past 1 and still no sign, which means I’m here in the gym. Alone. With Rumlow. It’s lunchtime and all the other agents have gone, but he’s kept me back. 

“I thought we’d step up your training a bit” he sneered. I heard the door open but didn’t need to look to know what he’d done. Ever since I got my dad arrested, both Luke and Brock have been looking for a way to get back at me. Now’s their chance with no one around to stop them. 

STEVE’S POV

Just after lunchtime we got off the helicarrier. Covered in sweat, grime, and other people’s blood, all I wanted to do was take a shower, but the fact that y/n wasn’t there waiting like she said she would be at lunch concerned me. Her text read: “If you’re not back by lunch, I’ll go wait at the landing pad for you. Don’t leave me there hanging yeah ;)”. So, for her to not be here, when I know full-well that it’s the agents’ scheduled lunch time was extremely concerning, and Bucky and Sam seemed to pick up on my worry too. 

“Come on, let’s head to the cafeteria, maybe she’s just waiting in line for food” Sam offered hopefully. 

Both Sam and Bucky were also excited to see y/n, they have sort of adopted her as their younger sister and treat her as such, so I know they’re just as worried as I am. 

There was still no sign of y/n in the cafeteria, but a quick glance around showed it full of other trainees. So why wasn’t she here? 

“Looking for agent y/l/n?” one of them asked.

“Yes, do you know where she is?” Sam replied eagerly.

“Agent Rumlow kept her behind. Don’t want to imagine why though. Think he might have a bit of a crush on her, keeps calling her baby cakes and says he wants to ‘elevate her training’. Fucking creep.” The agent replies, but visibly pales when they realise what they said.

“I’m sorry sir, I didn’t mean…he just…” 

“Don’t worry kid. Don’t tell anyone but I agree” I respond as Bucky roars out 

“SON OF A BITCH” then thunders off down the corridor to the gym, causing Sam and I to quickly follow him. 

“I told her he’s a creep. I told her I didn’t trust him. I knew something like this would happen” he grumbled to himself. 

“What do you mean Buck?” Sam asks, voice dangerously low. 

“Yeah Buck, what do you mean?” I all but growl, heart thundering at the thought of y/n being hurt at the hands of that weasel Rumlow. 

“The other day when you asked us to find her, I caught him following her calling her Baby cakes. He’s been worrying me where she’s concerned for weeks but she promised me it was okay” he admitted dejectedly, but before we could respond, we heard the faint cries of y/n. 

Y/N’s POV

“NO. STOP. PLEASE. LUKE NO I’M SORRY” I cry out, but he still punches me. 

Brock thought it would be good for us to spar together. I know that really, it’s a cover up in the name of ‘payback’ but I thought my training would kick in. I thought I’d be able to stand up to him this time, but I guess not. Before I realise it, I’ve collapsed to the floor and curled up in the foetal position, arms over my head, being transported back to all those times when I was 13 that Luke hit me and kicked me over and over. I peek over my arm but quickly lower my head when I see his leg lifting ready to kick me. But the hit never came. Slowly I lifted my head, and my eyes connected with the beautiful, sweet, but angry blue eyes of Steve Rogers. Gently he reaches out a hand to stroke away some hair from my face that had come loose from my ponytail. I took the hand he extended to me and allowed him to pull me up into a standing position. I didn’t fight it when he tugged me closer so he could place one arm around my waist and tuck me into his chest. In fact, I welcomed it, placing my own hand on his chest and burrowing closer for protection. The flight instinct still hadn’t retreated, and I’m sure that if he wasn’t holding me, I’d have collapsed. 

Before Steve could actually ask me if I was okay, and I know he was intending to as his lips were forming the words, we heard a sickening crunch and a pain-filled moan. Looking over to the sound, we saw Bucky stood over Luke who had evidently just been punched in the face, and Sam staring Rumlow down. 

“How’d you like that you sick fuck?” Bucky seethed. 

“Call it payback, bitch.” Luke hisses as he spits blood.

“The fuck did you just say” Sam hisses.

“You heard me. That’s for sending dad to prison” 

“Watch your fucking mouth” Bucky warns again, gripping Luke by the shirt and pulling him forward. 

“Buck” Steve warns, trying to deescalate the situation. He could probably tell how upset I was from my trembling that I just couldn’t control. 

“What you gonna do metal man? Punch me again. She fucking deserved it” Luke smirked. 

“Fuck yeah, she did. Had it comin’ for years” Brock added. And this time it was him that got his nose broken…by Sam. 

“Please” I begged. 

They needed to shut up. The guys couldn’t know. They weren’t supposed to know my dad went to prison and that I’m the reason he’s there. They absolutely can’t know that Luke is my brother and that I grew up with Brock. That is supposed to go to the grave. 

At the sound of my voice, both Brock and Luke turned to me. They were both being held back my Sam and Bucky, but even with the added protection of 3 avengers, I still couldn’t get over the fear. It was evident that my attackers had picked up on that. 

“Aw…doesn’t your boyfriend know?” Luke sneered. 

“Do you want us to tell them?” 

“Please. Don’t. I’ll leave…I’ll go and pretend this never happened. Please.” I begged and begged. 

Steve’s arm gripped me even harder, and I felt his eyes burning into me. But I couldn’t look up and meet them because I knew I’d break. In fact, I couldn’t look at any of the guys. Shame and embarrassment at the scene I was causing filled me.  

“Tell us what? What’s going on doll?” Steve probed. 

“Look at you…daddy’s little plaything got Captain America wrapped around her finger”. 

“ENOUGH” roared the voice of Nick Fury. Things were so intense none of us even registered the doors banging shut. 

“Get these little shits out of my gym. Get them out of this goddamn tower and terminate their employment. Drop them at the bottom of the Hudson for all I care. Just get them anywhere but here.” He ordered as a swarm of agents flocked to Luke and Brock and began dragging them out. Just as Luke passed the director, Fury reached out and grabbed him. 

“Don’t you ever open your mouth to her again. Both you and your precious daddy are fucked up, and I aint got no place for you here.” He sneered. My heart dropped at his comments though. He knew. Of course, he fucking knew. You can’t hide anything from these guys. Embarrassment hit me again. I tried to shrink away from Steve, but it was too late. One glance around the room revealed my worst fears. Bucky, Sam and Steve had caught on to what he said and were beginning to form their own conclusions. They were dying to ask me what he meant. 

“Doll?” Bucky said, but his tone revealed it was more of a question. Shit. I’m going to have to tell them. They won’t let this go. 

“I need 5” was all I said before I raced out of the room to gather my thoughts. 

STEVE’S POV

What the fuck is going on? I know y/n was distracted but I didn’t realise it had something to do with Rumlow. And what did he mean with ‘daddy’s little plaything?’…I have an idea about what he could mean, but I really hope it isn’t…for the sake of my job and good image. One glance at Bucky and Sam told me they were thinking the same thing. 

“Fury what the hell is going on?” Bucky asked, voice shaking with anger. 

“It’s not for me to tell, but that brother of hers is a nasty piece of work. You need to find her and ask her yourself.” He replied. 

“Her brother?”

“She has a brother?” both Sam and I asked at the same time. What in the world is going on? 

When y/n left she said she needed 5 which was understandable, so we decided to take the time to head back to our rooms and freshen up, still dressed in tactical suits and covered in grime. 

“This might be a bad time, but I don’t have any fresh towels. I forgot to do my laundry before we left.” Bucky muttered sheepishly. 

“Would you like to borrow a towel?” I prompt as we head out of the elevator. 

“Yes please” he smiles back, following me to my room. 

“I’ll catch up with you guys later” Sam mumbles, carrying on past to his own room. The fact that he hasn’t quipped at Buck over not washing his towels reminds me of the severity of what just happened. 

Upon opening my door, I was surprised to see y/n sat on the edge of my bed, tear tracks down her face.

“Baby?” I asked, prompting her to look up and hastily wipe the tears from her face. I was still stood in the door when she replied. 

“I’m sorry for rushing out like that. I knew if I went back to my room I wouldn’t come back out. Also, I feel safer in here yanno. I’m sorry for invading your privacy” she mumbles. I step forward to comfort her, but she spots Bucky. 

“Oh god, I’m so sorry” she practically cries out, rushing up off the bed trying to get past me. I place my hands on her shoulders and guide her back to the bed. 

“Don’t be silly doll” 

“Sorry sweetheart, I just came to borrow a towel” Bucky admits sheepishly. At his admission she wrinkles her nose, which causes me to chuckle slightly, along with Bucky. 

“I know. A grown as adult borrowing his buddy’s towel.” He jabs at himself.  

“Nah, you just stink” she jokes back, prompting him to wrap an arm around her and turn her to him, but that brings her face into the light causing us to notice the now very visible bruise and split lip she was sporting from her earlier attack. Both Buck and I gasp. She tries to turn away, but he doesn’t let her. 

“Oh doll, I’m so sorry we couldn’t get there in time” Buck apologises.

“What do you mean? If it wasn’t for you two and Sam, then I’d probably be holed up in the med wing by now. And that’s if Brock decided to let me live. Thank you by the way. I’m so sorry to have dragged all of you into this but I am so grateful.” 

“Please don’t thank us. I’ve told you before that we care for you and want to help you”

“Yeah sweet. Don’t thank us. Just please let us in.” I beg. “We can’t help if we don’t know what’s going on”. 

I can tell that she’s thinking of letting it out. In fact, I know she was when she decided to come to my room, but when she glanced up at Bucky I realised that it was only me she intended to tell. Apparently, Bucky guessed this too. 

“Say less, I’ll grab the towel and be gone” he smiles and presses a soft kiss to her forehead before heading out. 

“Sit down doll. I’m going to go and take a quick shower, but I’ll be straight back. You can tell me anything. It doesn’t have to be it all. Just let me in” Taking a few steps closer makes my stomach churn as I see more and more of the damage to her face. 

Without realising I’ve reached a hand up to stroke the side of her face gently. I hear her breath hitch and then see her wince in pain. She notices that I’ve noticed. 

“He landed a few kicks in my ribs before you got there” she admits shakily, and it’s the first time I notice the tears filling her eyes again. Placing both hands on each side of her face, I step closer. 

“What did he do to you baby?” I murmur to myself, but y/n heard it. Before I can say anything else she leapt forward into my arms, planting her face into my chest and wrapping her arms around me as she sobs into me. 

“Shush…it’s okay baby. I got you” I murmur wrapping my own arms around her and placing my chin on her head. I guide us to my bed to sit down but she climbs straight into my lap. 

“I’m so…so…*hiccup*…sorry” she sobs. 

“No…no sweetheart. You take your time” 

“No…you wanted a shower and I’m stopping you” she mutters as she tries to stand up again. I pull her closer. 

“You gotta stop apologising. My shower can wait. You, on the other hand, are more important and I will do anything to make you realise that.” 

At my admission, she begins to visibly relax, until she looks down and notices she’s straddling my lap. A red hue emerges over her neck and cheeks, and whilst I am 100% A-OK with the proximity, I don’t want to make her feel any more uncomfortable, so I slowly lower my arms which prompts her to slide off into a seated position next to me. From here, we can see out of the floor to ceiling windows, so we spend about 10 minutes just sat staring out in comfortable silence. 

“Luke Jackson is my brother. Older brother. Brock Rumlow is his best friend, and they have been the best of friends since they were literal kids. Since before I was born” She begins. At this, I turn my body slightly towards her to let her know that I’m listening, but her gaze is still fixed out of the window.

“The other day when I saw Brock for the first time, it was like everything came rushing back. I knew he’d recognised me. I hoped that he’d lost contact with Luke, and then I saw him in the lobby. I should have known better. I should have told someone. Maybe this never would have happened.” Y/n mimics my movements this time and turns to face me. 

“When I was 13, my school found out that my dad wasn’t treating me right, so he got arrested. Was put away with a lonnngggg sentence. Not long enough in my opinion but it’s better than nothing, I guess. Brock and Luke were pissed. Dad and Luke always got along well in the ‘hate-y/n’ fan club, and Brock fitted in really fucking well. You see they all adored my mom, but unfortunately, she died from complications stemming from my birth. So, they all blamed me. And when dad got arrested, Luke was already 18 and I had no other surviving relatives, so he had to take care of me. Already he hated me because I killed his mom, then I got his dad arrested, and then to add fuel to the fire, he had to take care of me. This anger had to be channelled somehow, so he took it out on me. Started with pushing me around a little, throwing stuff at me and calling me names. Then it progressed to full on beating me up, allowing Brock to join in, starving me, humiliating me, getting rid of all of my belongings when I was at school, locking me out. You name it, he did it, all with the help of his bestie Brock. One day when I turned 16 I had enough, so I ran away. Ran past the army recruitment office, saw they provided a place to live, and never looked back.” That son of a bitch. 

“Fuck, baby. I’m sorry” I breathe out. 

I notice her eyes wandering to my hands, and it’s only then that I realise that I’ve been gripping the comforter too tight and have ripped it in several places. I release them and tentatively place one hand over hers. All of a sudden, tears begin cascading down her cheeks, so I tug her towards me and drag her back to the headboard, with my back laid against it and y/n curled into my side. 

“I don’t usually cry this much. It’s just been so long since I’ve told anyone this. Elle is the only other person who knows.”

I didn’t know what to do with all her honesty, so the best I could do was make her feel comfortable and safe enough to cry it out. After about half an hour, her sobs quieten, but the tears are still falling. 

“I know you want to ask. I heard what Fury said. And Luke.” She whispers. 

Of course I want to ask, but I don’t want to seem too intrusive. She’s just admitted that I’m the only other person she’s told, and although it warms my heart that she trusts me so much, I don’t want to break that trust. 

“You don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to doll.” Is all I say. 

“Well, I didn’t want to tell you about Luke, but I kind of feel better now that you know. Less to hide” she sighs, wrapping an arm across my stomach and burrowing even further into me. 

We’re not exactly strangers to this type of physical intimacy. Several times we have ended up in positions such as this, either from movie nights, game nights, one of Stark’s parties, or even just chilling in each other’s’ rooms. But the additional emotional intimacy elevates our closeness to another level, and it’s one I could get used to, and by the way y/n’s body language is practically screaming relaxation despite the conversation topic, I can tell she feels the same. She takes a deep breath, then pulls away from me and turns on her side to face me. I do the same. 

“Please don’t think of me any differently for what I’m about to tell you. I was young…a literal child. I knew know better and I hate myself for it every day.”

My heart begins to pound. I have a gut feeling that what she is about to tell me will make my stomach churn, but I know I have to be strong for her. 

“Is this to do with your father?” I question meekly. She nods. 

“Baby, I would never judge you, you know that right?” She nods again.

 “Okay, you can tell me.” I probe. 

“When I was a child, from around the age of 7 to 13 my father…he…he” she looks up into my eyes. Gently I smile, to encourage her and let her know that it’s okay. This is a safe space. 

“When I was a child, myfathersexuallyabusedme” y/n rushed out. 

Y/N’S POV

The words came out as more of a jumble really, but one look at Steve’s face told me he heard and understood every word. His eyes darkened, anger swimming in throughout the pools of blue, but deep down I knew he would never hurt me, so I surprised myself by carrying on. Telling Steve of this was a lot easier than I suspected it would be, which is exactly what happened when I told Elle. 

“The way my father phrased it, was that I had killed his personal ‘plaything’, so the least I could do was fill in for her whilst he looked for a replacement. I won’t go into specifics, but you can sort of guess…” I trail off. 

“Jesus fucking Christ” he grumbled out, looking up at the ceiling.

 His reaction caused tears to start forming again, and at my hesitation he looked back at me. 

“No baby, not at you. At him. You can carry on, I’m sorry.” Jesus, could this man get any more perfect? 

“At the time, I was so desperate to make him like me that I would have agreed to do anything. I didn’t really understand what he was asking of me, but I think that even if I did, I still would have agreed. I just wanted to be loved.” I admit. “I still do”. I trail off sadly. 

“You are baby. You are so loved.” Steve mumbles as he pulls me back onto his chest, wrapping an arm around me. Never have I felt so safe and secure, and I feel the need to tell him. 

“I’ve never felt so safe with someone before as I do with you.” 

“That’s because I’m a superhero.” He brushes it off nonchalantly. 

“No, it’s because you’re Steve Rogers.” 

My heart does a little flip at the blush that rises on his cheeks. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have a slight crush on the super soldier. He’s been my go-to…my rock for 6 months now. Never have I felt so comfortable with someone before, not even Elle. But I know he’d never look twice at some rookie agent like me, and he certainly won’t now he knows how broken I am. What perfect golden boy would want damaged goods. It’s almost as if he can hear those thoughts. 

“None of that was your fault sweetheart. Your father is one sick fuck, Fury got that right. Your brother and Brock are even fucking worse for condoning it. You didn’t kill your mother either. It was unfortunate circumstances. You deserved love then, and you deserve it now. And you have it now. From me, Buck, Sam, Nat, Tony…heck, even Fury has a soft spot for you. Never have I seen him lose his cool like that. He just fired one of his top agents.” 

Steve’s words bring tears to my eyes again, but this time they’re accompanied with a smile. 

“I love you guys too.” I admit, laying my head back onto his chest. 

“Fury knows.” Is all he says. 

“I know. I think I knew he’d find out somehow, with all the extensive background checks. The army found out too, but luckily, they never needed to bring it to light. He didn’t tell Bucky or Sam, right?” I panic, quickly raising my upper body again. 

“No…no…shush. Relax. He said it wasn’t his place, only that your dad and brother were sick fucks/nasty pieces of work.” 

“Oh, thank god. Do you think I’ll have to tell the others.”

“No, not if you don’t want to. They will completely understand. We know better than anyone else what it is like to have a dark past. Just know that they will support you no matter what…myself included.”

Gently I lay back down again, realising just how exhausted I am now that all my adrenaline has worn off. Steve senses my tiredness. 

“Go to sleep baby.”

“What about your shower?” I ask, mid-yawn. 

“It can wait. Everything can wait for you.” He whispers close to my ear, but I’m so exhausted that by the time it fully registers what he said, my eyes are already closed and I’m practically asleep. 

STEVE’S POV

With y/n lay so cutely on my chest asleep, I have to keep reminding myself to think about anything other than what she’s just told me. Because every time I do, I go rigid with pure white, hot, blinding rage and unconsciously tense every muscle, causing her to whine in discomfort. What hurts the most is that she has only ever confided optionally in one other person, and that person hasn’t been speaking to her for 6 months. Especially since she spotted Luke and has been working with Brock. Having no one to talk to about this must have been almost impossible, hence why she was so distracted. The thought of it makes me even more grateful for my best friends Sam and Bucky. Especially for how they looked after her today. Knowing that they have her back just as much as I do eases some of my tension, and reminding myself that she came to my room to confide in me, and said she feels safest with me, not even with Captain America, but with me, Steve Rogers, makes my heart do a little flip. One final glance down at her beautiful face relaxing from her peaceful slumber causes me to shut my eyes and relax just for a little bit, but it’s not long until the exhaustion from the mission and adrenaline rush of the day catches up to me, and soon I too am floating through dream land.

A Few Days Later…

Y/N’s POV

I can’t remember the last time I felt this free. I have no secrets from Steve (other than the fact that I am crushing on him BIG TIME) and it feels so fucking nice. He’s really helped me ever since the incident, making sure I get access to proper therapy. The school offered me some when I was younger, but it was the low-grade stuff that didn’t even scrape the surface, especially as the school counsellor really wasn’t equipped to deal with such trauma. 

Bucky and Sam have also been incredible. In the end I decided to tell them about it all. Telling Steve felt so freeing, and both he and my therapist helped me to understand that it wasn’t my fault. It wasn’t my fault that my mom died. It wasn’t my fault that my dad sexually abused me. It wasn’t my fault that my dad got sent to prison for the crime that HE committed, and I certainly wasn’t to blame when Brock and Luke couldn’t contain their anger. 

I decided that I wanted to tell them in Steve’s room again, it had become my safe space, and with Steve holding my hand (quite literally) I plucked up the courage to tell them. Sam was super sweet, falling into his VA role with words of encouragement, telling me how proud of me he was and that he would support me no matter what. Bucky on the other hand had to be restrained by Steve for 5 minutes to prevent him from, in his own words ‘finding those little shits, detaching each of their limb’s piece by piece, and finally putting a bullet between their eyes.’ As for my dad, bucky devised the plan of ‘chopping his dick off and suffocating him with it.’ Whilst the idea of both plans was very tempting, the thought of Bucky having to face the repercussions was more concerning. 

Eventually, he agreed not to carry out his plans, just fantasise about them instead, and as soon as Steve released him, he darted up and pulled me into a bear hug. 

“They should have protected you, not blame you. I would have protected you. You’re like my little sister.” He whispered into my hair. I then felt two more arms wrap around me from the back, causing Bucky to groan. 

“Shut up Buck, this isn’t about you.” Sam warned, but I could feel him grinning into my neck. 

“He’s right though, they should have protected you. I would have protected you.” He admitted sincerely. 

“I wish you two were my brothers instead” I well up, causing more tears to fall. 

“Well I guess that makes it official then. You have now adopted two new brothers.” Bucky jokes, picking me up and spinning me around. Their words cause tears to form in my eyes. He places me down and gives me an earnest smile. 

“Thanks guys. Love ya.” Sam pulls me into a side hug and kisses my forehead. 

“Love you too girl.” 

Fury gave me the option of pressing charges against Brock and Luke, but I decided not to. I was fortunate enough that I didn’t have to actually tell Fury, he just did his research, but with a strong promise from the guys not to tell anyone, and the Avengers not to pry (because of course they found out something had happened) I wanted to do my best to move on from it. The thought of having to unpack all of that in a courtroom for a bunch of random people made me want to vomit. Instead, Steve, Sam, and Bucky went on a ‘mini mission’ to locate Brock and Luke, take them to an abandoned warehouse, and quite literally threaten them within an inch of their life (well…that was mainly Bucky) that if they ever came near me again, or told a soul, then their bodies would wash up on the shores somewhere in Europe. And it seemed to have worked. They were wiped from the S.H.I.E.L.D employee database and were almost already forgotten. 

Bucky took over Rumlow’s training schedule for the trainees and the change in everyone’s moods was instant. Rather than being bullied for our weaknesses, Bucky, Steve or Sam would pull us aside and help us to fix it. Now, as a team, we are stronger than ever, passing physicals and aptitude tests better than any of us did before. It feels good to know they support us. Steve also pulled me aside to tell that me that Fury is still considering me for further training to support the Avengers when we graduate in about 4 months. 

On the surface, life looked pretty good. But there was still one thing I hadn’t done. 

“Are you sure it’s okay for her to come here?” I asked Bucky for the hundredth time. 

“Doll…please. Stop asking me. Of course it is. She passed the clearance so there are no issues. Unless she’s like secretly Hydra and this was all a ruse to infiltrate us.” He finishes with a wink. I gasp in mock shock. 

“How could you say that?” I smile as I place a hand on my chest and feign hurt. Normally I would have asked Steve, but he had to go on a quick mission with Sam and given that I’m not a fully-fledged agent I needed someone to supervise her entrance to the tower for clearance. So here we are, stood side by side in front of the back entrance to the tower. I told Elle to meet me around here to prevent garnering too much attention on Bucky. You’d be amazed at how many women fawn all over him. 

“You’d be surprised by what they try to do.”

“Well, I can assure you I’m not Hydra. Just plain ‘ol Elle” comes a quiet voice from behind. Both Bucky and I turn around at the same time, and both of our breaths hitch. Mine from the shock of seeing her in front of me after so long and missing her so much. One look at Bucky and the heart eyes he was making at her told me all I needed to know. 

“Hi” she squeaked out. I couldn’t form the words to say how I felt, so instead I rushed forward into her arms, and she welcomed me. 

“I missed you so much” I whisper. We stand like that for about 5 minutes until Bucky quietly coughs behind us. 

“Not that I want to break this up, but…” he trails off. 

“Oh yeah…of course. Sorry Buck” I wince as I step back. He reaches his hand out to Elle. 

“Hi, I’m Bucky” he winks, turning on his famous charm. 

“Elle” she smiles back shyly. Well this is going to be fun. 

6 Months Later…

Y/N’S POV

If you could go back in time and change the way you did things, you would. It turns out that telling people your past is very cathartic. Now, when you wake up, you actually feel the sun on your skin, not just peeking through the dark cloud that is your past. And this sun is especially bright today. 

“GOOD MORNING HONEY”

“GET UP BABYDOLL” 

“Guys, give the lady some respect.”

Hearing them outside your door brought the biggest of grins to your face. 

“FUCK OFF” you shout back.

“Hey, I was nice to you.” Steve quips back. Of course he was. He always is. Ignoring the tiny flip your heart does when you hear his voice, you peel back the covers. 

Today is probably the most important day of your life. You graduate S.H.I.E.L.D training. That’s right. You become a fully-fledged agent of S.H.I.E.L.D. 

“Move your asses weirdos. Y/N open up.” Comes the very demanding voice of your best friend Elle. 

Why is she here in the tower you ask. Well, three guesses. Ever since Bucky set his eyes on her that fateful day six months ago, they’ve been absolutely smitten with each other. Within a week of meeting each other, they’d been on 4 dates and couldn’t stop gushing about each other. After a brief 2-month deployment, they became inseparable. Any day off they have together, they spend together. Both in bed and out of it. It can be sickening at times, but most of the time it’s actually really sweet to see them both so happy together. Plus, with Elle staying with Bucky all of the time, it means you get to see your best friend regularly, albeit with Bucky tagging along. But he’s more like a bodyguard, just hanging back, loitering ready to protect from any danger. 

You see, Bucky loves you both but in different ways. You’re like his little sister, and ever since the incident he has turned up the protectiveness. Even though he saw and instilled the fear himself in Brock and Luke’s eyes, he still worries that they’ll turn up for one last attempt at punishment. Elle is the love of his damn life. When you know, you know. She sees him for him. There’s no Winter Soldier with her. There’s no super solider with her. He’s just Bucky. 

The only problem with seeing your best friend all the time is also hearing her. All night. Bucky’s room is next to yours and opposite Steve’s which means Sams’ room is the quietest (though you can still hear EVERYTHING) which means that the 3 of you have found yourselves huddled in his room with a spontaneous movie night too many times to count. Even with the volume impossibly loud, there’s no mistaking what they’re doing, especially poor Steve with his super-hearing. The worst part is the next morning when trying not to make eye contact. 

But overall, you, Steve and Sam couldn’t be happier for them two. 

At this point, all 4 of them have seen you at your worse, so after quickly brushing your teeth you don’t even bother with pants or brushing your hair before you open your door. 

“WHY are you 3 out here shouting like idiots.” 

“BECAUSE IT’S YOUR BIG DAY GORGEOUS” Sam grins. 

“Did you really think we wouldn’t make a big deal of today?” Bucky smirks. 

“And your excuse golden boy?” you ask, cocking your hip as you turn towards Steve, but at his silence you bring your eyes to his face only to find that he’s not looking at yours, instead raking his gaze along your legs. You feel the blush creep up your neck, and at Bucky’s snicker you know he’s seen it too. 

“Ahem” Sam coughs, also smirking. 

“Sorry, what?” Steve asks shaking his head a bit, and when his gaze meets yours, he at least has the decency to look slightly sheepish. 

“Why are you here?” you ask.

“It’s your big day baby, we gotta celebrate you properly starting with the best breakfast we can find.” He smirks widely at the nickname he dropped. 

If there’s one thing about America’s golden boy, it’s that he is far from being a golden boy. He knows what it does to you when he calls you ‘baby’. Everyone knows what it does to you. There’s no way he doesn’t know about your affections towards him, but as a trainee it is wildly inappropriate for him to even acknowledge them. You have no idea whether or not Steve reciprocates, and even though Sam, Bucky, and even Elle try to tell you that he is just as sweet on you, you still have doubts. Technically you finished the academy weeks ago so there’s no reason why he hasn’t made a move yet. Knowing that he doesn’t feel the same way does make you feel awful, but being able to elicit these small moments of flirting fills the void just enough to get through the day. So even though it’s like slow torture, you’ll take it. 

“Precisely.” Elle speaks up, breaking your trance with Steve. 

“Seriously Elle, could you find a shorter t-shirt” you joke with her upon taking in her appearance. 

Messy sex hair and the shortest t-shirt known to man that barely covers her tiny thong is all that adorns your best friends’ body. Meanwhile you’re stood there in an old pyjama t-shirt and wearing the ugliest boy shorts with messy bed hair. Not sex hair. If there’s was ever an image to highlight the differences between you and your best friend, it would be this. And even though you love her like a sister, it’s hard not to feel insecure in her presence when she looks so hot, and you don’t, especially with Steve here, making it painfully evident that you are not worthy of the hot super soldier. Elle is hot. She is worthy of a super soldier superhero. You are not. 

With Elle being the best person in the world, she reads your emotions in your eyes, and if there’s one thing this girl knows how to do, it’s change the subject and make you feel better. 

“Oh hush, it’s nothing you haven’t seen before” she winks.

“Oh that’s hot” Sam practically groans out. 

“Gross” you and Elle say at the same time, wrinkling your noses. 

“Hey”

 “Oi” Steve and Bucky shout at the same time, each slapping Sam around the back of head. 

“That’s my girlfriend you’re talking about perv” Bucky grumbles, pulling off his own t-shirt and pulling it down over Elle which covers up considerably more. 

“And that’s my…” Steve hesitates, causing you all to look at him. “Friend” he mumbles, as though in pain. You know that’s all you are, but it still hurts. 

“We were roommates you freak” Elle hisses, shoving you into your room. “Bye boys. See you at breakfast” she shouts over her shoulder as she pushes you both into your room and slams the door. 

“That boy is so damn soft on you” she grins. 

“Elle, please. Not today.” You mumble, heading to your closet to pick out your outfit for the day, fighting the tears slowly pooling in your eyes. 

“Okay babe. I won’t push it; I can tell it’s not the right time. But I’m not letting this go.” She warns as she exits your room. 

You know exactly what she refers to: you pining after Steve. If there was one person who would notice, it would be her, which means she also knows how disappointed you are that Steve hasn’t made a move yet, and as today technically marks your final day as a trainee, it means he isn’t interested at all if he was going to make a move he would’ve. This means that, as of 4pm this afternoon, at the end of the ceremony you will officially be in the mourning period of what could have been with Steve. The thought of Steve not reciprocating your feelings shattered your soul. After you told Steve everything, he promised you that he didn’t see you any differently, but you can’t help but doubt that. Especially when everyone tells you Steve likes you, yet he shows no signs of it. 

Graduation day officially marks the end of your trainee phase leaving you as a fully certified S.H.I.E.L.D agent, so if Steve wanted to make a move, then he could. Relationships with superiors are frowned upon as a trainee: people could argue Steve (and Bucky by virtue) gave you special treatment. Training ended 6 weeks ago with final exams already being marked and assessed, yet Steve hasn’t made a move, clearly highlighting his lack of interest, hence your glum mood. Even on a day which is supposed to be one of the best in your life, your heart feels like it is breaking in two. Of course you are insanely proud of yourself; not only did you finish top of your classes in everything, but you also faced your personal demons. 

With that thought in mind, you managed to pluck up enough courage to dress somewhat nicely (though the lure of comfy loungewear was incredibly strong knowing how uncomfortable you would be in your formal S.H.I.E.L.D wear at the ceremony later on) and meet the guys in the kitchen for breakfast. 

“HOT STUFF” Sam greeted loudly, running over to you and spinning you round. The affection in his actions warmed your soul, so you allowed yourself to grin widely and push your longing to the back of your mind in order to enjoy your day with everyone as much as possible. Afterall, it isn’t often that you get to enjoy all 4 of your best friends together. 

A FEW HOURS LATER…

“Congratulations agent y/l/n, I can’t wait to work alongside you.” Steve said as he approached you and gathered you into a huge hug. 

The ceremony where all new agents go up and collect their S.H.I.E.L.D agent badge just ended and lord were you relieved. Yes, you look smart and quite well put together, but the itch of the starchy uniform was really starting to irritate you. You couldn’t wait to get out of it and into your beautiful new dress for the afterparty later. 

“Aw thanks Steve. I couldn’t have done it without you, or you two” you coo. 

Several times the 3 soldiers have tried to downplay their role in your success, but honestly, without Steve’s constant support and unwavering faith in your ability to overcome your past, you wouldn’t have been able to make it through the mental demands of the job. Not only that, but Bucky and Sam became lifelines when it came to the physical side of training. Bucky helped you master wielding a weapon quicker than any trainer in the army ever did; the army taught you that it was your first line of defence, but Bucky taught you it was your last. With Sam not having any serum, he became a godsend when it came to practicing hand-to-hand combat or overcoming the physical demands of the job. Whenever you asked him to train with you, he never said no, and for that you were so grateful. Yes, you were very aware of just how fortunate you were to have all of this support. 

“Ahhhh….you’re welcome doll.” Bucky grins widely, arm slung around Elle’s shoulders. 

“Yeah honey, gotta make sure I know you got my back avenging.” Sam quipped. 

“HA” you guffawed. “I don’t think you’ll be seeing me on any avenger missions falcon.” 

“I wouldn’t be so sure agent y/l/n. You have displayed a strong character and admirable determination for growth and improvement. 6 months of regular agent duties, then I want you training with the Avengers.” Nick Fury said from behind you. 

You spun around in complete shock, so surprised in fact that you missed the proud smiles on Steve, Sam, Bucky, and Elle’s faces as you met the stoic gaze of the man you held the most respect for.

“Tha..” you croaked out. With a slight cough, you began again, already feeling your blush creep up your cheeks. “Thank you, Director Fury, Sir. It would be an honour.”

“The honour would be mine.” Is all he added, with a knowing smile. It was as clear as day for anyone to see that Fury admired your strength in dealing with your family. 

“See, I told you to have more faith in yourself.” Came the deep rumble of Steve’s voice in your ear, so close that you could feel the warmth of his breath caress your soft skin. Your breath hitched un your throat, and you knew Steve noticed, but with a sudden surge of confidence, you turned your head towards him and brought your gaze up to his blue eyes. 

“Lucky I have you to pick me up then” you smiled earnestly. 

“Always” came his soft reply, something in his gaze softening as he held your stare intensely. It was almost as though everything around you ceased to exist, until a rather excited agent interrupted. 

“Sergeant Barnes, are you going to keep training us in weaponry. You’re the best the academy’s ever had.” 

The agent’s exclamation startled you both, causing Steve’s head to snap up. You followed his path as you looked at the agent in question. You knew the agent had seen you and Steve positioned rather closely, and you knew Steve knew as he pushed you away from him in a desperate manner. With a grunt, he straightened the tie of his impossibly tight shirt and mumbled a quick ‘catch-up later’ before he took off into the crowd of excited new agents. 

You knew the crack in your heart was painfully evident on your face as you met the sympathetic gazes of the others. Trying to summon the last of your strength, you faked a small smile and excused yourself to the refreshments section, feigning thirst.

“Fucking punk” was all you heard from Bucky as you quickly fled the scene, trying desperately to fight the tears threatening to cascade. 

“Y/N! Y/N wait” Elle cried after you. She quickly caught up and softly grasped your arm to turn you towards her. One look at your teary eyes had her quickly pulling you away from the crowds and into a more secluded section. “Come on babe.” 

“I’m sorry. I’ll get over it, I just need a minute.”

“Take your time. Buck said this bit is reserved for this evening so no one will come here.”

“God, even those dimwits picked up on it. How dumb can I be” you cried out, not caring how much your mascara ran anymore. 

Elle gathered you up into your arms. 

“Hey, hey. I won’t have you talking about my best friend like that.” She warned. “You are not stupid. Far from it. He is the stupid one for not seeing what is right in front of him.” 

“No, no he’s not. He’s smart. Who the hell would want to be with me. I have baggage a mile wide. There’s nothing appealing about me.” You sobbed into Elle’s shoulder. 

“That’s not true” came the deep grumble of Steve’s voice behind you, in the tone he often used when you were being too hard on yourself. You squeaked in surprise, and before you could hide behind Elle, she had pulled away and muttered a quick “I’ll give you two some space.”

You swiftly dapped at your eyes and tried to muster the most neutral face you could, but it just seemed impossible. Steve had seen you at your worst, he always saw right through you, and you knew he was all too aware that the tears were because of him. 

“Baby…I…” he started, starting forward as he reached for you, but you took a step back. 

“No. Please Steve, don’t do this.” You all but begged. 

“Do what. I want to be honest with you.”

“Say something just to try to make me feel better.” 

“Sweetheart, that’s not what I’m doing. I would never do that. Everything I say to you is honest.” He replied in a surprisingly strong voice, completely contrasting his previous tone. 

“I just…god….I….I’m really” he stuttered again, voice once again becoming uncertain. He took a deep breath in, took a step towards you, and you didn’t move back this time, which seemed to encourage him to go on.

“You were so brave when you told me about your past. I’m trying to be brave like you were. God, for a super soldier I certainly lack bravery when it comes to talking.” You giggled at his rambling, watching the corners of his lips curve slightly at the sound of your laugh. This time you took the step toward him, and watched as he straightened up, as though your presence had affected him, which you knew wasn’t true.

“I like you y/n. No, in fact I love you. A lot. Like a lot, a lot. Think of all the stars and planets and galaxies and universes out there, and then times that by 1 million, and then infinity and then 4 billion and then double it. That’s how much I love you. I have loved you since the moment you cussed me out for sneaking up on you. I loved your passion when you spoke about helping people, I loved your ability to see past me as an avenger, but instead spoke to me like a normal person. Like Steve. I loved you when you immediately accepted Sam and Buck bickering like an old married couple. I loved you when you first stepped into the training arena that day with so much determination to succeed. I loved how you slotted yourself right into my life the moment you got here. One minute I’m spending every minute either alone or with Sam and Buck and wondering what I’m doing wrong in life for them to be the only people seeking me out.” 

You laughed again at his words but couldn’t stop the tears from flowing freely from your eyes. You both took a step closer to one another, this time close enough for Steve to place a hand on either side of your head, and you to brace your hands on the crisp white shirt covering his muscled chest.  

“Every morning, I awake so excited to see you. For the first time in such a long time, I can barely wait to go to sleep, because it means that when I awaken in the morning, I can think of you again.  Sleeping on missions used to be so hard, but now its slightly easier because I know I’ll see you in my dreams. You’re always there, waiting for me.”

“Steve” you practically whisper, watching tears gather in his own eyes as his thumbs wipe the tears from under your eyes. 

“But I have never loved you more than the day you opened up to me. The courage and strength it took you to tell me made me realise just how proud of you I was. I am. That night when you lay in my arms, all I could think about was how much my heartbeat for you. Even through the rage I felt, the blinding hot rage that swarmed my mind and body and soul, every move you made, every thought about you that I had, made my heart slow. Relax. Swoon. I wanted to hurt them. Torture them, not kill them because that’s the easy way out, but I wanted them to feel the pain, but I wanted you to feel safe more. Because I love you. I can’t tell you the pain I feel in my heart when I think of what they did to you, but just know that it’s nothing compared to what I will inflict on them the next time I see them, if I ever do though it’s not likely given how much Bucky made them shit their pants.” Steve joked. 

Even through your tears, you couldn’t help but smile. He loved you. He loves you. 

“I know I should have told you this sooner. Believe me, it has killed me to be around you but not be able to act on this. But I did it to protect you. I know you know what they would say about you if we were ever found out. It’s wrong, but that’s the way it is, and I hate it. Sam had to take over the agents’ physical training because I couldn’t bring myself to lay a finger on you, and if I can’t fight you then I can’t fight anyone.”

“Oh Steve. I thought it was because you were worried, I’d think you were going to hurt me like Luke and Brock” you cooed, stepping even closer this time and sliding your arms around to his back, underneath his suit jacket. 

“No baby. I just couldn’t hurt you. I thought I was discreet about it, but it turns out everyone knows how much of a goner I am for you except you, and that kills be baby. Hell, even seeing Bucky and Elle together made my heart hurt, because that should be us. I waited until today to tell you because I wanted everyone to see just how much of an amazing person you are first. I wanted people to watch you walk across that stage on your own so that they could see just how incredible you are to achieve this without anyone’s help. I know you think we helped you, but it’s all you baby girl. You’re phenomenal. You’ve done so well to be where you are today. You’ve handled everything alone and I couldn’t be prouder, so I wanted you to have one more day where you could feel the pride in yourself that I and everyone else has for you when we see you thrive. One more day before I hopefully swoop in and tell you that you don’t need to do it on your own anymore. That I am here to help you. To help carry the weight of the world on your shoulders. Before I tell you that I lov…” 

You don’t let him finish his sentence before your mind takes over your body and crashes your lips to his. It was though a thousand fireworks went off in your heart as it sung for you as though an invisible string tied to Steve’s own heart pulled you both together. You moaned and groaned into each other before the lack of oxygen caused you to pull away. 

Breathless, you both stood there gazing into each other’s eyes. Despite all he had said though, you still struggled to believe that he could want you. This brought a fresh onslaught of tears to your eyes, causing you to close them in attempt to keep them at bay. Steve seemed to sense this, and closed his own as he brought his forehead to your own. 

“Talk to me” he soothed. 

“I am not perfect.”

“I don’t want you to be.” 

“I have so much baggage Steve.”

“Good thing I’m a super soldier then with super strength.” 

“Steve, you don’t understand” 

“No. I do understand sweetheart. You think I don’t have my own baggage. Hell, I’m over 100 hundred years old.”

“What if I ruin us”

“I doubt that very much”

“No…but…what if my problems are too much.”

“You could never be too much” he soothed. 

No matter what worry you had, he found a way to oppose it. 

“But this might not be like a normal relationship though” you whimpered.

“Why” 

“Because I can’t…I don’t” you huffed in frustration. 

“Now who can’t talk” he joked. 

“Steeeveeee” you whined. “It’s not funny”

“It sort of his” he smiled. 

“What if we can’t…you know…do what other couples do. I’ve not…since my dad…yanno” 

“No, I don’t know. I need you to use your words honey” he cooed, and in that moment right then, you knew that Steve cared, already opening a line of communication for the both of you, something any healthy couple has. 

“I haven’t you know…been…” you mumbled. 

“Intimate?” he prompted. 

“Yeah” you sighed out in relief that he finally got what you were trying to say. Looking up into the crystal blue gaze, you realised that the judgement you feared wasn’t there, prompting you to carry on. 

“I’ve never been…. intimate” you struggled “with anyone but…but him” you admitted. 

“Okay baby. Then we go slow. We go so slow that we could be together forever and only try it on our death beds. I don’t care. If you think I only want you because I want sex then clearly, I haven’t done a good enough job of proving just how much I love you.”

“NO! I…You…You’ve done a great job” you admit shyly as you begin to smile slightly again. “It’s just my stupid past interfering”

“It’s not stupid. It’s valid. We will figure it out. We will figure it all out together okay. Do you trust me?” he asked earnestly, looking so deeply into your eyes it was like your souls called out to each other. 

“Steve. Of course I do…I love you.” 

Your admission caused the man to smile so widely, you don’t think you’ve ever seen him look so elated. He picked you up in a bear hug and spun you around. 

“You don’t know how much I’ve wanted to hear you say that” he breathed into your head once he placed you back down. “We’re in this together okay…until the end”

“The end?” you question. 

“When we’re sat on our porch holding each other watching our grandchildren and great grandchildren play as we reminisce on this very moment”. 

The very thought of doing that with him makes you smile just as wide as him. 

“Fuck. I love you Steve” 

“I know” he grins as he kisses you again.

“FUCKING FINALLY”

“GET IT GIRL”

“TOLD YOUUUU” 

You both chuckled at the mixed voices of Bucky, Sam and Elle who all stood at the edge of the area, whoop whooping and grinning so much you couldn’t help but giggle yourself. You felt Steve wrap his arms around you tightly and you nuzzled yourself into his chest. 

“I can’t wait to spend forever with you” he said, kissing the top of your head. 

“Me neither” you admit, closing your eyes and relaxing yourself completely into his embrace. 

Fuck your dad. Fuck Luke, and fuck Brock, because this. They couldn’t touch this. But god help them when Steve, Sam and Buck find them again. And god help your dad on release day.