Your Deus Ex Machina

I'm not a coffee person. If I drink even just one cup of it, my heart would beat ten thousand times faster than it does before. My mind would be up more hours than it should have though my body is screaming sleep. While coffee is soothing to others, it makes me feel agitated and jittery. But when you left, I can't count with my fingers how many times I tried to drown myself with coffee.

The caffeine in the coffee serves as a system stimulant that keeps one person awake longer than it should be. I tried it. It has been effective. I always find myself dragging my own body out of bed to start the day. I need to drink down a cup of coffee to get me through the day. Everything seems forced nowadays anyways. I force myself to school. I force myself to function. I force myself to think. I force myself to communicate to others. I force myself to breathe. Everything. Everything is forced. Everyone seems to compel me to do things when all I want to do is stay in my room, lay on my bed and drown myself not with coffee but with thoughts of you.

When I'm alone I don't need coffee anymore to keep me awake. Because I can lay on my bed for more hours I can imagine just with the thought of you alone. How you made my heart beat ten thousand times faster than it does before. How you came into my life with that timid smile. How you bothered me to no end with your stupid train of thoughts. How you always tried to lighten my nights when all I see is darkness. You were there. Before. Now that you left, I'm lost in this void.

Tonight, I almost did all the things that I’m afraid of doing. I slept on the floor with no lights on. I slept on top of my big bear with my book left unread. I almost slit my wrist open but then I realized I’m not afraid of doing that so I didn’t do it.

Tonight, I did all the things I’m afraid of doing. I opened my laptop and open the forbidden folder where I kept all the things about and between you and me. I looked at the old photos. I look at myself and it takes a heartbeat for me to recognize myself. It is smiling widely as if the world was just created seconds ago and it hasn’t breathed any problems yet. I realized that one of the reasons that smile was present was because of the person beside me. And it’s you.

Tonight, I did all the things I’m afraid of doing. I confessed that I missed you more than how much I wanted to admit it to you. I miss how you smiled. How you were always positive. How you were always there to cheer me up. How you were always there with just one call of your name. How you were there when I’m dizzy with candies in hand. How you were always there to lift things that I can’t. Even if it is my problem. You were there. But right now, I have no idea where you are.

Tonight, I did all the things that I’m afraid of doing. I whispered that “I love you” more than how much I made you feel. I don’t know if I am too much to bear or too much to understand. Is my love weighs too much that it pulls you towards the ground? I hope you realize how much I value friendship more than anything else.

Tonight, I did all the things that I’m afraid of doing. I drilled in my head that you are gone. You are long gone. I bore in my mind that you already found someone better. That no matter how I sugar-coat it, you left. You left without feeling any guilt in your heart. That you don’t feel I am someone to be missed. I am not someone important to begin with. You are only bored and I look different from others that’s why you took interest on me. Not because I am appealing but because I look good as a pastime. Then you get bored again that is why you go looking for some new fascinating prospect.

Tonight, I did all the things I’m afraid of doing. I took my pen and write down things. Because I’m afraid to forget it. I’m afraid of losing words. Losing words for you. But tonight, I’ll let it happen. I want to drain all my brain and blood of words. I want to lost the thing you like most about me. My words.

Tonight, I did all the things that I’m afraid of doing. I let myself felt it. I hate you. I hate you with the remaining parts of my heart reserved for you. I hate you for promising that you will never leave. I hate you for listening to my dramas. I hate you for letting you in my life, heart and thoughts and poems. I hate you for all your promises. I hate you for making me believe that I am not a transition. I hate you.