Anna St.

(A reflection on life inspired from the recent prayer meeting I attended)

We, humans, are like butterflies: in an egg for nine months, taken care by our mothers in their womb. A larvae for a while, growing each day, changing our skins. Later, we search for a purpose, a meaning why we exist along the way, we encounter difficulties, challenges, and frustrations. This is what I call the process of pruning — a season of testing in the darkness this phase is what we call now, chrysalis or pupa. Some are lucky to come out from this phase and fly, some, don’t. Some are stuck being inside, confined, and not able to grow and not fulfilling their own purpose already growing accustomed and making their own shells and prisons as their comfort zone. Sometimes, we make our own prisoners and develop one’s very own Stockholm syndrome by ourselves. However, there are some who strive and grow, their very own experience makes them a butterfly of wonder and beauty. These people, are the ones with strength and courage to face their battles, fighting to break free from their shells of prisons and darkness and these people are the ones who found the truth and their purpose.

“To everything, there is a season. A time for every purpose under heaven.”  — Ecclesiastes 3:11

I thank God for the seasons in my life and I thank Him for being there with me even in times of confusion, battles, and temptations As I close this chapter and season in my life, another adventure awaits as I flap my wings and fly. I hope that I may touch every flower and help them grow.

My prayers to you are that you may find very own pupa and know that there is someone with you waiting for you to come out from that shell of darkness and admire your beauty. I pray that you may find courage and purpose. Have faith, little butterfly.

I know that this may not be the end of one chapter in my life but this is just in the middle of the book of my author—God and I am the protagonist still in the making of my very own story.

One morning, I didn’t wanna go and see my pupils. I was so upset but decided to rise from my bed and went. I went through the day and decided to write my thoughts and realizations:

One day, you’ll get tired of doing something you’re passionate about; that one thing that makes you get up in the morning, that one thing that makes your heart beat fast with excitement, and that one thing that burns your heart with fire and passion.

One day, you’ll wake up feeling down and feeling tired even if you had the right amount of sleep and not wanting to go. Time will come that you will have your battles as early as 5 in the morning asking the questions, “should I go or not?”

One day, in some circumstance, that one thing—that fire in your heart is gone. That one thing that you’ll never get tired of doing eventually is no longer of interest to you and wonder if the things you make still makes sense.

Earlier this evening, after a friend ditched me to our catching up together… just kidding, something, an emergency came up. And I find myself alone, walking in the malls of the city, eating fries and a lemonade. I thought, maybe this is a time for me—“me-time” as everyone calls it. After walking in the evening streets with the petrichor that fills the air, I decided to go home. Hopping in a public transportation—jeepney, I came into a family of three: a mother and her two children, a boy and a girl. Their faces bright showing their shiny pearls. I smiled to myself. Later, as the transportation began to zoom to life, the mother gave her mobile to her children and a spark of excitement was seen in their eyes. Giggling, they said, “hello lola! (a term used for grandmothers) thank you so much for the gift you’ve given us! Thank you for the money that you sent to us! We were able to buy birds for me and a book to my sister. Thank you very much!”. All I can remember was their smiles and the phrases that they repeatedly say, “thank you”.

 I was amazed at how grateful they were to someone who has given them something good. I thought and asked myself for a while throughout my one-hour drive, how truly grateful am I to the people around me? To the things that are useful to my day-to-day needs? Of the things that I have even if I didn’t ask for it? To the one who gave His all and His life to me? I asked myself how grateful am I to my friends, my siblings, my family, to my parents, and even to God? Indeed, I am grateful, but have I really and truly expressed it to them? In that scene of gratefulness, gratefulness washed over me. Pray, I may become that child whose very grateful to the things given to him and I may become even more grateful things that will come into my life. I was reminded how God only bring good tidings into our lives, we just have to seek and look more.

 I am thankful for my family and friends. I am grateful for the daily bread provided for us and a roof on our heads, and I am grateful for another life to live happily.

Venting

I was so angry with a person starting yesterday.

I went up to my room to get my journal because I cannot take how I feel.

Deciding that maybe, just maybe, I can release the anger that I a holding in.

I started to write in cursive, fast, clean strokes. Completed one page, and then the other until I wrote two pages. Emancipating my anger.

As I was trying to re-read what I wrote, I realized, and I said to myself,

“I don’t want to remember this in the future.”

I ripped the pages off from my journal.

Threw them in the trashcan.

“Better,” I said.

I thought, when I look back in life and re-read my journal, I only wanted to write the things I am grateful for. The things that made me happy and filled my heart with joy.

I don’t want to look back and remember what bad a person did to me.

How about you?

I know from the start that it’s not you. It’s clear that you’re not the one for me.

I Love You Not

I have given up on love

Each and everyday I observe from far away.

I have witnessed my parents’ marriage fail

I have given up on love

Because I have seen my mother cry

Tears which put a stain in my heart.

I have given up on love

For the promises that he did not intend to keep

For till death not they part.

I have given up on love

Maybe I had a hope that maybe, just maybe

The spark of hope will stay.

Deep inside I hope that I can still look things the other way

That maybe, just maybe, when he’ll see me things will change.

And from that day on, I have given up on love.

Audrey Hepburn on Sabrina (1954)

saw you today 2:26, 6th of May it had been 9 years my heart aches you still look the same.

I don’t know but

You always see me at my clumsiest.

I don’t know when, but

You started to smile at me;

Maybe because you can’t help but to laugh whenever you see me.

I didn’t even noticed, but

In my embarrassment, I smiled back.

Every time we run into each other by the hallway,

We smiled at each other like friends.

I just realised,

We never even get to talk with each other.

I never even get to hear your voice.

With just a smile, we made a connection.

With just a smile, I already know,

We’re friends…

Storms come and go, some pass by taking away what we think what's ours, some don't. Storms come in our lives. Some still living with their storms. Some already enjoying the sweet smell of petrichor, that enchanting wet-pavement, fresh-rain smell. But whatever storm it will be, as long as we trust in the Lord, we shall stand firm.

I had a dream last night.

Last night’s wonderful dream.

 In my dream, everybody around me

Congratulated and praised me.

They were smiling gently

With their hands tapping on my back.

 I had a dream last night.

Last night’s wonderful dream.

 The people’s face is shining

Just like the place is bright.

I was welcomed with a feast

It was like a party just for me.

  I had a dream last night.

Last night’s wonderful dream.

  I blinked my eyes to push away the tears

Tears of joy and happiness

That these people made to me.

I blinked my tears to wipe them away.

  I blinked.

But it was my window I saw

And it was bright outside.

It was morning.

 But I asked,

Isn’t it supposed to be bright outside?

Why are my surroundings, grey?

Why do I feel empty?

 Sadly,

I had a dream last night.

Last night’s wonderful dream.

If I were to dream forever that wonderful dream,