>>Insert cliche here

1. Friend's quote on gchat status: "It is better to be hated for what you are than loved for what you are not"

2. Finding a fortune on the floor that had been under the refrigerator: "Life moves on, whether we act as cowards or heroes"

3. He lost his ring in the kitchen. (He never does that, or at least when he does I usually find it. No luck finding it.)

4. Eerily accurate tarot reading last night

The situation, inverted 2 pentacles: a precarious time when funds falter and romantic relationships suffer (marriage probably ending, him moving out, money worries in my currently-unemployed state)

What is helping, king of wands: honorable conduct, you will feel comfortable with yourself now (I feel like this is what I need; it drives me forward)

The best you can achieve at present, 6 wands: a breakthrough after hard work as a dispute ends (clarity of self and finding autonomy)

Hidden factors, 2 swords: peace after discourse and turmoil, giving you an opportunity to gain perspective on a problem partnership (qed)

The past, inverted page of cups: frustration attempting to communicate accurate information to someone with difficulty expressing emotion in a positive way (so frustrating, I can't even explain it right now)

Next move, inverted page of swords: beware misinformation, subtle lies, manipulation (stand strong, don't get roped into his unintentionally manipulative methods)

How you see yourself, inverted chariot: worry about going in the wrong direction due to ego or arrogance (I have been agonizing over the idea of being "selfish" for the first time in... ever)

Others' attitudes, ace of wands: energy, inspiration, and good communication favor new endeavors  It is a perfect time to take an important step forward ("this needs to happen for you" - says everyone except him)

Hopes or fears: 10 pentacles: inheritance  (I will likely need to dip into mine to pay the mortgage coming up)

After an adventure day with my friend, I decided to acquire a deck of tarot cards. 

More accurately, I fleetingly mentioned my interest in purchasing tarot cards and my friend, expressing interest, drove to a store where they had them and suggested I buy them, having zero intentions of getting any for herself. (She does this with brownies too, all the time.)

(or women, or anyone in a relationship, but for me I'm talking men)

Before you ask "Is there anything I can do?", think about what the person you are asking has actually said.  It is quite possible that they have already told you EXACTLY what they want or what you can do.

"Are you feeling ok?"

also known as, 70's movies.

In the 70's

1. People die really easily.

2. If more than 2 women are in the same room for more than 5 minutes, expect a cat fight.

3. Men. Not attractive.

4. Women don't know how to throw a punch.

5. Bras? Ha! No.

6. The music that accompanies life is epic, with lots of trilling flutes.

7. Everything is intense.  All the time. You can tell by the long, long, long pauses while the protagonists stare deeply off vaguely towards the camera.

8. People die REALLY easily.

9. If you haven't' seen violence against women in the last 5 minutes, someone is probably going to get raped in the next 2 minutes.

10. Men regroup faster and are ready more times than in real life.

11. Sometimes people who die easy aren't really dead.

12. Everything is vaguely, but not quite, suggesting that this is a porn. But it's not. But maybe it will be.

13. Yellow bubble letters run the world.

First, a Haiku:

Dear Universe: I got all your messages. Please, leave me alone.

Now, I know I already mentioned how my subconscious is out to send me a message (and that message is that I suck). The night after the horrendous series of dream events was not as bad, only lost in a big warehouse building that happened to be full of various types of nuclear radiation, followed by acute radiation poisoning, no big deal.  

However, on Thursday we got delivery Chinese food and the fortune cookies has something to say as well.

First a bit of context: things with husband have not been great. Big decisions, not fun times.

In any case I'm in the recliner watching TV and he's on the other side of the wall in the kitchen.  I hear him fumble around with something  

"What the hell?"  What? "It's empty" Huh?

The fortune cookie he opened was empty. No fortune.

"Does that mean I have no luck? No fortune? No future?" Uh... probably not? "Well as long as I have you I have all the luck I need."

I have been feeling bad about the way I feel (or don't feel), and the idea of him being out of luck makes me feel.. uneasy. Every time he says things like that, sweet sappy things, my heart breaks a little bit.

He opens another cookie as he gives the empty one to the dog.  It says something about teaching and he comments that it was probably for me.  Then he brings me one.

I open it, and inside is a tiny neon sign with bells, sirens,and flashing lights reading:

"Don't be discouraged, because every wrong attempt discarded is another step forward."

...

...

wtf universe.

Do you think that makes me feel better?

Do you think that makes decisions easier to make?

Thanks for the sympathy, but if you want to help you could lighten up and cut the heavy emotional fat on my already unhealthy take-out food.

I have had some whacked out dreams. The SSRI's have a tendency to make my dreams vivid and very realistic, but usually they are just weird or benign.

Not last night.

I don't have nightmares; haven't had them in a long time, but last night there were a good half-dozen things in my dreams that have me convinced that my subconscious is really pissed at me.  

Top 10 signs that my subconscious hates me, in increasing order of disturbingness:

10. Trying to get out of teaching in a college large lecture hall because the students were being asses and it was 2:30 and I had to get up early

9. I for some reason, had a child. It was deformed.

8. Trying to get away through streets and buildings in  wheel chair through thick snow.

7. Oh yeah, at some time I was paraplegic

6. Being stalked and harassed by a crowd of college kids throwing things at me and kicking me over.

5. Lashing out with words of bitter resentment in a mutual screaming match with husband. I could feel the rage and acrid disdain.

4. Said screaming match turning violent with punching, screaming, kicking, and throwing things. I could feel my throat crack with the shouts.

3. Having a current student slam me face down into the linoleum and spray cleaning products close to my face so all I could breath was the toxic, choking, death and lemon-scented propellant.

2.Clinging nude to a giant rock screaming to be lashed with belts/whips. I could actually feel my throat 

1. Acts of sex trafficking and sexual sadism (I'm non-judgmental but these particular ones I personally do NOT find arousing) performed against myself and others, involving pins, knives, and liter-sized large glass bottles.

Oh yeah - I think my dead father was there for that one. That made it even worse, obviously.

Likely a result of reading excessive amounts of Hyperbole and a Half, and my admiration of one of the tumblrs I follow to remain focused, I decided to start a real blog (like with a focus and shit).  I came to this decision when I realized that I still haven't even kind of delved in to how DerbyCon was and the topic became obvious.

So now I have a Derby Blog

But I didn't stop there.  I made another one. Then I thought about what i wanted to use this one for. Then I made a list of categories/ blog topics that my life could be broken up into. Then I made a blog of lists to put the list of blogs in, along with other various lists.

No, I'm not kidding.

It's kind of ridiculous.

This happens sometimes.

The rush of energy, the jolt of activity happening in my brain, the feeling that I have so many ideas and I just want to be 5 people at once so I could do everything I ever wanted to do.

Actually, until this very moment, I had forgotten what this feels like.  I have been too depressed to remember that I have ever felt like this before.  But I do. It was common through high school and college and beyond, though at the moment I couldn't estimate how often.  Maybe it's just because it's in such stark contrast to my general demeanor as of late, but I can't find another way to describe it other than "mania".

Am I bipolar? I don't think so. I feel like someone would have picked up on that.

In any case, it's 3:34 and I am still awake. This hasn't happened for a while. I have a dozen thoughts I want to get out all at once and they're all equally compelling and they're all trying to get out at once like a crowd of people getting jammed up because they're all trying to be first through a door.

spiral of self-destruction

herb garden

anniversary

the bushtree

eye lashes

meds

derby girls

hormones

and then the very act of switching gears to do one thing derails the compulsion to do it, or anything else. For instance:

Just right there I decided that I was going to finish this post instead of continuing to make a list of the things I wanted to post about. Then, I thought about how, when i'm done with this post, I will want to write another one while I have momentum. However, all of the things are equally pressing and since one can't be easily prioritized above the rest, I come to the conclusion that I will just have to write all of the posts at once. That's when I get jammed up, at the junction "if I don't just keep writing the buzz will wear off and I won't get it finished" and "I can't do all of those things before sleeping, I'll be too tired."

Oh, you think there's a middle ground? Not in this particular suburb of Crazyland. Needless to say, the near Herculean effort it would take for a marathon night of... everything...which is all very important by the way... is exhausting.

Birds are chirping.

I'm going to bed.

100% of things.

fuck 'em.

I'm calling this week a wash.

Next week I will be a functional adult.