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I always felt angry about the fact that I was the one to fix things I didn’t cause. This trauma isn’t my responsability.. but healing is my responsability rather I like it or not. The sooner I stop fighting it the sooner I will start healing Book : Where to draw the line by Anne Katherine, M.A. #book#wheretodrawtheline#traumahealing#responsability https://www.instagram.com/p/CdV7DsCtKEd/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

#traumarecovery#broken#brokenheartquotes#healingjourney https://www.instagram.com/p/CdTsAgJN4X7/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

Somtimes I wake up with all this mountain of healing to do and I hate it. How do you heal something you can’t see or explain!? #rapevictim#survivor#fuckit#fuckrape#fuckrapist https://www.instagram.com/p/Cc2UWsmthn1/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

#rapevictim#misconception#traumarecovery https://www.instagram.com/p/Cbn2mldtPsA/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

Doors have been a huge issue for me for a very long time. I needed to stay alert, specially when I was sleeping, that moment when I was so vulnerable. So, my issue with doors was that I needed them to be closed. Closet doors, entrance doors any doors that could either hide someone or let someone in. It was impossible for me to sleep if a door wasn’t closed. Now I don’t need all the doors to be closed, just the entrance and my room’s door and for me it’s a victory. A little step closer to a less traumatic lifestyle and I am proud of that. #ptsd#ptsdrecovery#healingjourney#traumahealing#victories https://www.instagram.com/p/Cb3iIXOtMQS/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

Dissociation was my way of coping with life. It first happened during my assaults and then continued even when everything stopped. It was an automatic, natural survival instinct to me. I would dissociate myself almost in every situation, situations that I wasn’t supposed to. But since I was always on the watch out, my brain would just automatically dissociate me without warning. I wasn’t able to explain people this whole feeling dissociated until I learn about it. ( I will cover a chapter about it) but here is a quick link to explain dissociation: https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/dissociation-overview With years I can now see the a difference in my dissociation, I can feel my body connected to the earth and it feels so good. And that is a victory for me, a step closer to being whole with my body, mind and soul. #traumarecovery#healingjourney#ptsd#rapevictim#anniversarry https://www.instagram.com/p/CcAYmyxMtNM/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

The touch was something extremely anxious for me. Few people were able to touch me and by touch I mean ANYTHING from a kiss on the cheek to a hug. I would hug a woman but if you were a man chances were you would never be able to approach me enough to see the dark dot in my eye. And if the distance was not possible, I would dissociate myself so that you would have the body without the mind. It took me years to allow my twin brother to hug me. #rapevictim#ptsdrecovery#healingjourney#progress#survival#testemony https://www.instagram.com/p/CcWEiWttDUn/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

From 2012 to 2018 I would do at least one panic attack per day if not per week. Places never matter, I could have one in the bus, at home, at the doctors, alone, anywhere. Everything was a trigger that could lead to an eventual panic attacks. Later I would learn the difference between a panic attack and a dissociation attack ( I will talk about it in the futur) Now I still have some attacks but with therapy, patient I can say that I am doing better. #rapevictim#testamony#ptsd#healingjourney#panicattacks#progress https://www.instagram.com/p/CckVQmeNWnE/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

More than once I have tried to end my life. I couldn’t live with this unexplicable and deep pain anymore. Pain was all I could see and all I could feel. It was everywhere and in everything, surrounding me like a big grey cloud. And the only solution was to end my life so that I could finally rest in peace. My last attempt in commiting suicide was in 2017. Since then I haven’t done anything, though I still have some suicidal thoughts. Did things change in my life to the point that I am doing great? No. But things have moved. I have lived and experienced things I didn’t imagine I could. I have fallen in love. I have travelled. I have laughed. Cried of happiness and so much more. The pain is still here. I am still trying to get rib of it but not by ending my life… by living. I am curious of what else I can experienced, what else I can do with my broken self. Rape doesn’t define me ( I am still on the journey of the acceptance of that statement). I can be and do so much more than what Rape has done to me. So I chose life. I chose life when I am crying for help in the middle of the night. I still chose life when I cannot manage my PTSD. I chose life when life hit me with other misfortunes. I chose life when I have to see one of my rapist because he is family. I chose life because once I have all the reasons to die and yet here I am, still breathing life, still trying despite of. #rapevictim#ptsd#healingjourney#victory#healing#rapesurvivor https://www.instagram.com/p/Cc0FANbNBNz/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

Pierre Alex Jeanty

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