Crossroads

Welcome back, it´s been a few months since we last sporked here.

I hope to do this one in one shot.

When we last left off, we had Denise and Janice do an actual "Accio Nipple!" on Emily on the Yule Ball, and then Caitin jumped on to her so save her with her super speshul Sue Powers:

The music had stopped; everyone was staring in the direction of the destroyed door and the two young girls lying motionless on the floor. Students were looking at each other with expressions of dismay on their faces, shaking their heads in doubt. It had all happened so fast that many were questioning their friends as to exactly what had just occurred. All that anyone knew for sure was that Emily was laying in a pool of blood with her sister on top of her, both girls completely bare because that had to be mentioned again and motionless.

Cut for the typical "OMG what happened?!" talk.

"It all occurred so fast that I can't be sure of all the details, but it almost looked like she was being pulled across the room by her breasts," Becky said. "She was screaming in agony as she clutched her chest. It was like she was trying to prevent them from being literally torn off."

Marta nodded in agreement. "I didn't think breasts could be stretched out so far like that," Marta said, actually shivering as she recalled the dreadful sight.

Cut - Denise and Janice act all horrified (and fail, given how sarcastic they sound) along with the rest.

Draco then has an idea:

"No!" shouted Draco. "Stay where you are. No one is to leave this room." He took out his wand and pointed it in turn to every exit. The doors slammed closed and locked. "Everyone to the other side of the Hall; either be seated or stand against the wall.

"Ginny, quickly, go alert the Headmaster as to what has occurred."

"But the students, Draco," Ginny begged. "They shouldn't be here. They shouldn't be seeing this."

"Ginny, one of them did this," Draco declared. "If they are allowed to leave this room we may never know who. Their wands all need to be checked for the last spell cast."

I have no idea why Neil wanted Draco to be the one with the idea.

"I've sent Jamie Zacherley to get Potter's magical map of the castle, so that we can round up any stragglers that might have departed the dance early." Why on Earth it´s not Potter himself doing it is a mystery, I guess the Main Sue just needed another moment to shine. And why is he calling it "Potters magical map"? As if this were her cue, Jamie burst breathlessly SUE SUE SUE into the room clutching the already activated Marauder's Map.

"Headmaster, there appear to be no missing students," Jamie declared, handing the map to Professor Snape. "The castle and grounds are totally empty. Everyone is here in the Great Hall."

Including Dobby!

Snape quickly perused the map in order to confirm Jamie's observations. "Excellent," he said returning the map to Jamie. He then turned to the students who immediately quieted.

"If you do not have your wand on your person, please step forward," he ordered. Slowly, nervously a number of students formed a small group before him.

Anyway, they check all the wands of the students, but Denise and Janice already took care:

Disappointment was etched on Jamie's face as it became evident that the scouring charm, Scourgify, was the last spell performed by both wands. As Denise and Janice scurried from the Hall, Jamie stared at the headmaster in disbelief.

"Jamie, don't look at me like that," Snape sighed. "I know what you're thinking and while I agree with your conclusions, I can't suspend students based on such flimsy circumstantial evidence."

"But Sir, their story just doesn't make sense," Jamie insisted. "Why would they go to the bathroom and remove all their makeup, the dance wasn't even over yet?"

If Snape was in character he would most likely use that potion he had made to get the truth out of them.

"I agree," Snape said in an understanding manner. "It would seem more likely that they were removing the dust and dirt from the explosion, but all the ghost images show are two sparkling clean students. Cleanliness in itself is no crime."

Jamie shook her head in frustration. The Headmaster was correct; there was no evidence to corroborate their suspicions, yet they both knew whom the perpetrators were.

Again, why not use that potion?

Cut for a sugary scene of Caitlin and Emily waking up at the hospital wing.

Tuesday, January 3, 2006

"You have visitors. Would you like my help to put on a dressing gown?" Madam Pomfrey asked.

Are you serious? Have you forgotten what fic you´re in?

Emily simply smiled at her.

"I'll take that as a no." Poppy grinned and just shook her head. She would never get used to the Potter girls and their complete lack of modesty. But because Neil removed her spine she is not gong to do anything about it. "I'm going to run down to the greenhouse while your company is here. When I return, we'll apply some more healing balm to your chest."

That sounds so wrong.

Emily scowled slightly. She'd rather if her Mum or one of her sisters were on hand to apply the potion. She liked Poppy, but it felt weird having the older woman rub her chest.

Because these things should only be done by young and beautiful Sues.

I hate this fic.

"How are you doing beautiful?" a voice echoed, bringing Emily back to reality.

Is this Link from My Inner Life?

"Roger! What are you doing here?" Emily asked excitedly. "Would you please come help lift me into a chair so that we can sit and talk?"

"Help you?" Roger said apprehensively. "Sure, but I thought there would be no permanent injury."

"Supposedly LOOK HOW BRITISH I AM there won't be, but at the moment my muscles seem to be on strike. I guess they still think I'm dead," Emily said with a laugh.

"That's not funny," Roger retorted worriedly. "You had us all extremely concerned."

"I'm sorry," Emily replied. "Roger, I thought you were going to help me into a chair."

Roger seemed to be uncertain how to proceed. "I can carry you to the chair, if you like. Perhaps I should wrap something around you first, it sort of looks like you might be topless?"

I hate this fic.

"Roger, there's something I have to tell you, but before I do, would you grant me a favor?" Emily asked. "Would you please kiss me? Not like a little girl, but like you would a grown woman."

EMILY YOU´RE LIKE 13, YOU´RE NOT A WOMAN!

I REALLY, REALLY HATE THIS FIC.

And I´ll cut the rest of the scene because it´s simply then just Emily breaking up with Roger (...who then goes on to date Amanda, who just had a baby of her own. Hello, unfortunate implications!).

Then Tyler shows up, and they´re a couple again, and then Emily pretends to be more physically hurt than she actually is so she can force him to carry her.

Also, then Harry and Hermione show up, and Emily then forces Harry to put that lotion on her chest - which he initially refuses, but then she gives him that "breasts are just a body part talk", and he obeys.

I hate this fic.

Friday, January 6, 2006

"Miss Zacherley, a moment, please," Professor Flitwick called, hastening to catch up to Jamie.

"How is your sister doing?" he asked concernedly.

"As good as new," Jamie answered happily. "Madam Pomfrey is going to discharge her today."

In this saga, sentences like this sound very wrong.

"Good, good. I was very anxious," Flitwick explained. "I almost felt that I was an accessory to the crime. After all, the culprit undoubtedly learned the Summoning Charm from me."

So "ACCIO NIPPLE!" is apparently a real charm after all.

"You mustn't feel that way Professor. I know Emily doesn't blame you in the least," Jamie exclaimed. "Who would think that anyone would ever use a Summoning Charm in such a vicious way?"

Jamie, you should know by now that some people are just evil. After all, how do you explain Emma Wrong?

And yes, she´s not going to be mentioned ever again for the rest of the saga.

"True, but perhaps I should have placed more emphasis on how dangerous it would be to use such a spell on an individual," he answered.

"I don't imagine it would have mattered," Jamie replied. "I don't believe that the individual that cast that charm had the slightest concern for my sister's well being."

See?

"You sound like you have a good idea who the wrongdoer might be," the Professor surmised.

"No solid proof, but yes, a very good idea, Professor."

"Then I suggest you keep a particularly watchful eye on both your sister and the probable perpetrator. A person with such blatant hatred is apt to strike again," Professor Flitwick said uneasily.

"Do you have a class to which you must be hurrying?" he asked.

"No," Jamie answered. "This is a free period for me."

Even that sentence sounds wrong here, especially coming from Jamie Sue.

"So it is for me." Flitwick said, smiling. "I was wondering, Miss Zacherley, if you'd have the time to follow me to my office. There is something of great importance I'd like to discuss with you."

Anyway, he gets her into his office to ask her about her plans after graduating Hogwarts.

"Not at all sir," Jamie said, and then she wavered briefly. She wasn't even sure herself what her plans were now. Alex and she had intended for so long to go into training together to be Aurors, but now she no longer felt well matched to the position.

"I'm not certain, Sir," she finally admitted. "I've always had this dream of becoming an Auror. At least I did until I was required to kill Madame Hooch. I'm not sure any more that I want an occupation where you fairly often find yourself in a kill or be killed position."

Well, Jamie Sue, at least you got to use your super speshul Unicorn Animagus Powers for something usefull!

"That is understandable," Flitwick said. "Killing is never easy, even when the casualty is a person of ill repute. You are undoubtedly the best student I have ever taught at Hogwarts. Even better than Hermione Granger MARY SUE DETECTED BEEP BEEP BEEP and that is saying something. Have you every considered working in the field of Charms?"

So yes, she is even better than Hermione Granger!

And yet Neil is surprised people called Jamie a Mary Sue.

"There are rather few opportunities other than teaching and I'm certainly not qualified to do that," Jamie answered. "Besides, even if I were, what learning institute would give a professor's job to someone just out of school themselves?"

For once the Main Sue actually gives a good question.

"A school that prides itself on hiring the most qualified person available for a job, regardless of their age or experience," Professor Flitwick stated unequivocally. "It is supposedly a secret that I intend to retire at the end of this school year, therefore I imagine every student in the school is aware of it. Am I correct?"

This is so stupid. Jamie didn't answer, she just nodded her head shyly. "Miss Zacherley, I am extremely proud of the Charms program that I have established at Hogwarts. I feel it is one of the best courses of study in the wizarding world," Flitwick declared. "I do not want to see it deteriorate at the hands of a substandard teacher. I've recommended my replacement to the Headmaster and he has agreed, pending her acceptance."

Who could it be? "I'm sure that anyone you would propose will do a superb job," Janie LOL said honestly. "Sir, the Hogwarts' rumor mill has it that you suggested a woman, but that she has other commitments. Would it be too forward of me to ask who you wanted to step into your shoes?" "I'm afraid my shoes are rather small," the little professor said with a laugh. "If I can talk you into accepting the position, I feel you'd be much better off wearing your own shoes." "Me!" Jamie's eyes at once filled with tears. I´ve said it once, I´ll say it again: It´s so stupid that each and every time the plot thickens, they all cry! It was all she could do to resist picking up the small professor and squeezing him tightly. G"d is this stupid. He had just presented her with an opportunity that even in her wildest imagination she had never dared to dream of happening.

Isnt it just uhmazing that she can get to teach without ever actually havig to study for the actual position? Suddenly her tears of joy turned to tears of distress. How could life throw her such a cruel choice? Was she to be forced to choose between a dream come true and the boy she loved more than life itself?

We still have no idea what the fuck is so special about the relationship she has with Alex.

* * * * * *

We then get another scene of the Caitlin and Evan show that goes nowhere. And they talk about how often Harry and Hermione have sex. This is not normal.

It ends with this:

"What about Emily and Jamie?" Evan asked. "Will it bother them that I'm dressed while they're still nude?"

Caitlin smiled. "Not in the least. It's all about being comfortable and right now I sense you'd feel much better with your clothes on."

LIES LIES LIES

Let´s return to the Framing Device of the sporking:

After Ebony had exploded Magichan, suddenly an ugly Abomination with a clown shirt and glasses appeared, with a yellow hedgehog abomination following his every move.

The Abomination looked at Ebony, then said "Oh my, are you the Boyfriend Free Girl I´ve been looking for all these years?"

The Abomination didnt seem that faced with the bloody remains of Magichan on the ground.

One of the people behind her then yelled "Watch out, that is the evil Chris-chan!"

Ebony then drew out her wand once again, and yelled "Crucio!"