Who The Hell Am I?

Peregrination > j.jk

Chapter 1.

A cold breeze blows through the cracked window of your room. The white curtain whipping wildly as you stir in your sleep. It seemed to be an ordinary occurrence this winter, your landlord has told you on quite a few occasions that the building just could not afford the heating bills. You pull the heavy duvet cover higher up your clothed body, only your eyes peaking out of the sheets. Your eyes snap open, heavy and sleep laden. They find your trusty digital clock and with a groan you squeeze your eyes shut. Just an ordinary day for a very ordinary you. Waking up before your alarm seemed to be a skill of yours, add that to your resume. Maybe this was why you were constantly exhausted, besides the constant hours of working. There were twenty four hours in a day and seventeen of them were dedicated to non-stop working just to afford your bills and living. This was no way to live, and yet, you did it. Never truly getting out of the hole that was dug for you from such a young age. 

With a groan you sit up in bed, your hair flopping to one sit as you stretch widely, your bones popping and creaking as you ready yourself for the same tiresome day of work. Today just like all days would be the same, incredibly monotonous and depressing. You stand up, stepping on to the cold floor barefoot before tiptoeing over to your window. With a finite groan, the window closes and you look around your studio apartment. The rising sun starting to illuminate the small space. It was the same for you each day, shower, makeup, small breakfast that you could afford, dress for work and then finally work for most of the day. “So it begins again.” You say to yourself as you grab your phone. 

An apple hangs from your mouth as tie your shoes, you wiggle your toes and frown looking at the seams to the soles of your shoes. They were breaking again, only one pair of shoes lasts three months around here with all the walking you have to do. You wear your shoes to the bone and then struggle to pay for new ones every few months. ‘Just another debt.’ You think before grabbing your grey wool pea coat. “Let’s go.” You begrudgingly grab your keys and your phone before shoving them in your pockets, the last thing you grab is your wallet before shoving it in your coat pocket. Several scenarios run through your mind making you giggle as you imagine being held up by a thief, he demands your wallet and money and all you can do is shrug. Money? Never heard of it. You don’t own any. You lock your door before chuckling at yourself. “I’m such a hoot.” You mumble as you chew your apple descending your staircase. 

The streets are bustling with the morning work crowd, you see the same zombified faces as you walk towards the ever familiar place. The train station up ahead, the large letters signifying its existence scream at you as you watch people descend the stairs in a hurry to make the 6:45 train. You step around a pile of trash in the street before smacking into someone. You mutter a sorry before looking up at the figure. An older Asian man smiles down at you before bowing, he stands up right before holding out a business card. You take in his appearance quickly as he fixes his blue tie. His suit looked expensive, way to expensive for this neighborhood. His glasses get pushed up his face with the middle finger of his hand as he smiles down at you. “Pleasure to make your acquaintance. Come see me.” He says before bowing once more and walking in the opposite direction of the crowd. You stare at the man as he walks away fixing his black suit. He was dressed very stylishly to be walking anywhere on this block. “Hey! Lady! People don’t have all goddamn day y’know. We got things to do!” Someone yells pushing past you into the train station. You hum in agreement before shoving the card into your coat pocket. You couldn’t miss that train. 

You smile mentally as you grab a seat on the train, yeah you might have shoved a teenager out of the way but at least you get to sit on this long ride to work. You pull the business card from your pocket as you stretch out your legs. The card was heavy duty, iridescent purple lines the card as you look at the gold lettering. ‘Magic Shop. Your dream become reality.’ You raise an eyebrow trying not to laugh. What the hell is this? A strip club? You read the address before snorting. Yeah, okay, weird old Asian dude. I’m on my way right now. 

You enter work keeping your head down, people bustle around you as you walk towards the elevator. “Y/N!” You turn your head to the familiar brown haired girl, her outfit impeccable as always as you press the elevator button. Your only saneness in the world, Kim Ha Won. “Ha Won.” You greet her as the elevator doors slide open. She hugs you tightly pushing both of you into the elevator making you chuckle. She pulls away before accessing your outfit. “You look nice!” She feigns looking down at your shoes, you snort before pushing the fifth floor button. “Thanks for trying to bring up my confidence. Feels good.” You joke making her pout. “Why don’t you just take up my offer? I don’t care about the money, just take it. I hate seeing you like this.” Ha Won had a very big heart, which was great and all but you could never take her money, your pride just wouldn’t let you. She was the type that didn’t even need to work, she just did so, so she wouldn’t be ‘bored’, a concept you couldn’t get your head around. You gaze at her and she sticks her hands up defensively. “Look at this.” You say handing her the business card you received on your way to work to distract her. The elevator ascends and she looks down at the card. “Wow, this card is pretty!” She flips it back and forth before looking at you, “You should totally go!” You look at her incredulously before laughing, “I am not going. It’s probably a strip club or something.” She pulls out her phone as the elevator stops and the doors open. “I’m looking it up and we are going after work.” You pull the card out of her hand. “No, no. I didn’t show you to get a dumb idea in your head. It was to be funny. To look at it and say, ‘Ha. Ha. Very strange and funny. What a weird thing to receive so early in the morning.’ Not for you to actually WANT to go here.” You take off your coat and walk towards your desk. She follows behind you. “Nothing shows up on the search engine.” She mutters, her black heels slapping against the wooden floor of the many cubicle office. “Shocking.” You say feigning shock as you approach your small cubicle. The grey padding of the walls greets you as you sit down with a sigh. “Ha Won, go away.” You say shooing her, “My seating changed! I sit here now!” She announces happily before sitting behind you, you smile warmly before mentally smacking your forehead. She won’t relent on this, you should have never said a damn thing. 

“We’re so going.” She cheers behind you as you hang up the phone. You roll your eyes before turning in your chair, your index finger up as you flip your hair over your shoulder. “No. No we are not.” You turn to your computer hearing Ha Won’s complaints as you begin to type out the chapters assigned for you. Yes, that’s right, you write textbooks for grade schools. Could you possibly think of a more boring job? No, maybe a sanitation worker. You work seventeen hours a day writing textbooks for kids that would draw dicks and hearts all over the pages. Minimum wage looks good for those textbooks, no? 

You groan standing up, shutting off your computer. “Ready to go?” You hear Ha Won behind you, “No. I’m going home so I can go to sleep so I could return in the morning and write more about Physics- the Forces and Motion of the world.” Ha Won rolls her eyes before throwing you your coat. “Let’s go Y/N. You’re making me depressed.” You gasp at her feigning shock. “Me? Be depressing? No way.” She shoves your shoulder before grabbing your hand. “Come on!” She squeals pulling you towards the elevator.

The two of you stand outside the Magic Shop, it looked old, really old. With old ancient Chinese lettering and jade ornamentals hanging up. You poke at one of the red paper lanterns hanging from the signage signifying the places existence. This place was two blocks from your house, how have you never noticed this place before. “Lets go in!” The place was dim, almost seeming closed if it wasn’t for the shadows passing by the murky glass windows. “I don’t know Ha Won. I don’t think it’s a good idea.” Ha Won rolls her eyes folding her arms. “Y/N, you stay in the same routine every day, just this once. Have fun, let’s just check it out. You’re allowed to not be miserable for one day.” You sigh loudly as Ha Won walks towards the door. You begrudgingly follow with a groan, the door opens with a flourish as she enters. Little bells dinging as she steps in.

You step inside and your mouth drops slightly looking around, it definitely doesn’t look like this from outside. A young man sits at a desk, his wire framed glasses at the tip of his nose as he doesn’t even pay notice to the two customers in the shop. “Hello?” Ha Won asks as she watches him write in a book. “Hi.” He says not looking up, his black hair falling into his face as his tongue peaks out of his mouth, caressing his bottom lip. You and Ha Won stare at each other in silence before you clear your throat. “I was given this card.” You say pulling the business card, his head snaps upwards to look at you, his fingers busy pushing up his glasses. “Come.” He says holding his hands out greedily. You look at Ha Won and she shoves you forward with a smirk. You hand him the card and stare down at your fraying shoes. “Wow. The highest tier.” He mutters in awe. The wall behind him was full of filing boxes. He stands up, his body tall and lean, you could practically see his muscles through the thin black shirt he was wearing. You look away embarrassed as your attention focuses back on the wall. “Y/L/N.” Your eyes find him look at you. “That you?” He asks pulling at the small drawer. “Y-Yeah. How would you know that?” You ask creeped out. “We know lots of things. Nothing to be scared of.” The guy turns back to you after placing the business card in the drawer. “I’m Seokjin. Pleased to meet you. I will hand you a card, on this card you will write three things you would like most in the world, please.” He hands you a thick rectangular card stock with gold edging. It had your full name on it and you turn back to Ha Won. She ends up sitting on a leather stool in the corner, her face alight with excitement. This was exactly her type of thing. You look back at the Asian guy, he sits back down before pointing to the seat next to Ha Won, “Go on, nothing to be nervous about just three things you would like most in the world.” He smiles before handing you a heavy black fountain pen. He looks back down at his book, you clutch at the stock card before heading back to Ha Won. Seokjin looks at you eagerly before clearing his throat. He takes off his glasses before sitting back in his chair, you plop down next to Ha Won. You hand her the stock card, “This is so cool!” She cheers silently, “You don’t think it’s strange? They know all this information on me.” She shrugs before handing you back the card. “Well, go on! Write the three things. It’s just three things.” You stare down at the card, what were the three things you wanted most? You lean back staring at the ceiling, you wanted to never work again, you wanted to be out of debt. “Be precise.” Seokjin says before running his fingers through his hair. “I don’t know what I want.” You whisper to Ha Won, she snorts before shifting her body in front of you, making your knees touch. “Sure you do. Here, close your eyes.” You do as told before taking a deep breath, “Just answer spit back an answer quickly, okay?” You give a small nod as Ha Won grabs your hands. “What do you want most?” “To be happy.” “And then?” A smile in her voice, you were lonely. “To have a happily ever after.” Yeah, it was corny but it was true. “And last?” Your head swims, “To do something with my life that makes me happiest.” You open your eyes and Ha Won smiles down at you, “That’s kinda like the first one.” She says making you nod. “Well, to be happy at first meaning to be well off, to no longer have any debt from my parents.” She hums understanding, “Write it.” She says picking up the fountain pen from your lap. It lays heavily in your palm as you bend over to lean on the glass table to your side. 

1. To be well off, to no longer have debt or worries with money.

2. To have a happily ever after, finding a soulmate.

3. To do something with my life that makes me happiest.

You look down at the black ink as it dries into the card stock, seeming like it was being carved into stone. You look back up at Seokjin, his hands clasped and perched under his chin as he smiles at you. “You have a good heart, Y/N.” Seokjin says finally standing, and you along with him. You close the small distance between you and hand him the card. He grabs the card and places it within a grey envelope. His back greets you as he searches the wall of small drawers before finding your box again, his mouth quirking up as he opens the drawer. He places the envelope in carefully before closing the drawer. A loud slap resounds through the room and he sighs happily. “Request granted.” He says quietly before turning back to you. “Y/N. It’s been a pleasure, I hope to see you again sometime.” You blink at him as you set the pen on the desk. “Uh…That’s it?” You ask confused, Ha Won stands up before stretching happily. “That’s it, I’m afraid.” Seokjin grabs his glasses and sits back down, his legs land on top of the desk as he leans back in his chair. “Um. Okay.” You whisper as Ha Won approaches the desk. “Can I have a go?” She asks happily, Seokjin sucks his teeth before frowning. “Unfortunately you did not receive an invitation. Only Y/N has. My apologies ma’am.” Ha Won frowns before shrugging. “Cool. Thanks Seokjin.” He nods to you before giving you a smile. “Let’s go.” Ha Won grabs your arm and pulls you out of the store. “That was dumb.” You say as you both walk down the street. “I thought it was pretty cool, at least you know what you want most in life.” “Yeah but knowing and being able to do something about it are two completely different things.” You counter walking in the direction of your apartment. “God, you are so depressing.” Ha Won laughs rolling her eyes. You pull your pea coat closer to you as you hit the corner of the street, the chilly wind suddenly blowing in your face. “I’ll see you tomorrow, I’m meeting Kwon for dinner.” You nod and give her a hug, “Have a good night, be safe.” You call to her as she crosses the street quickly. She gives you a thumbs up as you lose sight of her in the bustle of people. 

You enter your apartment with a sigh before placing your keys in the small shell dish by the door. Back to your mundane life, back to typing up textbooks that kids would never remember, and the same anxiety for debt you would never overcome.

You wake up early and stare at the clock as you bring the comforter up to cover your face. “I have one more sick day, maybe I could be ill today.” You mutter to yourself, you stare at the ceiling recalling yesterdays strange events. Seokjin and the weird Magic Shop flipping through your mind as you hear water rush through the pipes in your walls. Why would you write down what you wanted most in your life if you could hardly ever reach these goals? You could never have enough time for yourself to look for your soulmate. After your parent’s died when you were small it was up to your frail grandmother of 75 to raise you. She was nasty, unnurturing and wanted nothing to do with you. What she ‘forgot’ to mention all those years of raising you, was that your parents had took out many loans to live a lavish lifestyle that was way above their paygrade. So much money in fact, that the internet assumes it’ll take you 70 years to pay it off. Seventy years. That’s your whole lifetime, basically. Working for fifteen dollars a hour would not get you nearly enough as you would stuggle to take care of yourself in between the paychecks. You groan loudly sitting up before shaking your hair with your hands out of frustration. You kick your feet watching the comforter fly off with an angry sigh. Stupid life, some people just shouldn’t have kids. You stand up before huffing out. Fuck the Magic Shop, it was pointless to look towards happy things when you would be miserable your whole life. “I’m gunna go over there and give that Seokjin a piece of my mind.” You decide before standing up, the cold room nipping at your skin as you stretch beginning to wake up.

You stomp towards the Magic Shop as you mumble to yourself. “I’m gunna give him a piece of my mind.” You whisper as you cross the street. The wind bites at your face as you push down the street. You approach the Magic Shop before stopping short. “Wh-” You stare, mouth agape at where the shop should be. A dilapidated building meets your eyes and you cough out a noise of shock. “What the-” You step towards the building, a City Quarantined sign visible on the door. ‘Closed due to Asbestos.’ This building looks like it has been closed for decades. “No.” You say out loud. This is absurd, you were here just yesterday! You take out your phone, your vision blinking rapidly as you look for Ha won’s number in your contacts. 

The phone rings loudly as you stare at the white and grey abandoned building in front of you. The pain peeling off in a disorganized fashion, the windows showing signs of wear and tear as the wood cracks on the sills. Ha Won picks up with a cheery voice, “Morning! You okay?” You clear your throat and look down at the sidewalk, “We went to the Magic Shop yesterday, right?” You ask, knowing the answer, you were here! “Are you sure you’re okay? Of course we did. Did you hit your head.” “Well I came back and it doesn’t exist!” You practically scream into the phone, “Doesn’t exist, wh- Y/N. You are sure you’re on the right block, right?” You roll your eyes at the question before stepping backwards. “Yes, of course I am! It isn’t here, Ha Won. The building says it’s been closed for asbestos.” Ha Won sighs through the phone. “See, so?” “It seems like nothing has been here for years!” Ha Won clears her throat as you hear wind blowing through the phone, “I think you need a nice hot bath and a glass of wine. Why would the shop disappear in the middle of the night? Because of asbestos, it’s a perfectly good reason. Wouldn’t want that handsome guy getting all sick from it.” She says dreamily, “You are seriously no help.” You scoff before biting your lip, peeling some skin. “Just get your ass to work, you can’t be late again.” She says playfully as she thanks someone over the phone. You stay silent staring at the signage. “We’ll talk about it when you get here, just get here.” She says before you hear the elevator button ding through the phone. You drag yourself away from the building, “See you soon.” She says and you hum in agreement before the line cuts dead. It doesn’t make any sense, how the hell could you go to some beautiful shop yesterday and now there was nothing there besides a dilapidated building? There were no Chinese lanterns or anything of the sort. You walk down the street, your head doing countless turns as you look back at the building. You rub your temples as a headache comes on strong. You walk towards the subway, your pea coat flying in the wind as take the Magic Shop card out of your pea coat. “It’s not possible.” You say descending the steps of the subway. 

You stand on the platform as the 6:45 train rolls in, the business card still in both of your hands as watch the train fly by, your pupils moving with it. None of this makes any sense. Did Ha Won not believe you? Why does she shrug everything off so simply? Why do you take everything with such skepticism? The train halts to a stop and you enter the train car door. The train was pack as always, the heat on making you pull at your shirt collar, bodies pressed up against bodies as you clutch at silver pole to steady yourself as the train pulls off again. You close your eyes as you think back to yesterday, it was such a strange event. You felt strange in the shop like maybe things would change for you, but you knew better. Nothing would make your life better, not magic, not anything, You were stuck like this, in this constant state of torment and worry. 

You finally sit down as people rush off the train at the same stop every day. Someone slams their body down next to you with a huff and you look sideways at them before gasping. “Y/N.” Seokjin says with a smile, “Seokjin!” You exclaim, you look him over. He wears a long white tee-shirt, a beige sheeps skin coat hugs his body as he cross his legs, black cut up jeans grace his legs as he sits comfortably next to you. He didn’t have glasses today and he gives you a warm smile. You shake your head looking at him, “I went back, this morning. I went back and it wasn’t there!” He nods before looking at the clock. “Magic.” The train stops short in the tunnel, ‘Sorry folks, there is a train in the station ahead of us, we will be moving momentarily. Thank you for your patience.’ The train conductor announces over the intercom of the train car. “Magic does’t exist!” You whine wanting a real explanation. The train begins to move quickly, “This is my stop.” Seokjin stands up, towering over you. You stare up at him about to get off with him, he notices your jittery movements before putting his hand on your shoulder. “I’ll see you soon. Don’t follow me, you aren’t destined too.” The train doors slam open and he moves through a sea of people off the train as you call out for him. Just like that, he was gone again and you curse loudly. An old lady looks up at you from her book before giving a noise of disappointment. You roll your eyes before picking at your nails as the doors close. Destiny? Magic? What is will all these fantasy words?! 

You stare out the window as the train approaches a tunnel, the train shrouding itself in darkness with small bulbs of light flashing through the window. The train seems to pick up speed as you continue to stare, the small bulbs of light growing bigger and flying by faster as you inch forward in your seat. My God, this train was going fast. The train speeding down the track so fast, all the small bulbs begin to blur into one, taking up the whole window making you squint. You look around at the rest of the people on the train but no one seems to notice how many miles per hour you were travelling. “Oh fuck.” You whine clutching at the silver railing as the train gets wrapped in the bright light. “GOD!” You yell as the train doors fly open, your hair blowing furiously at the wind, the smell of burning metal enters your nostrils as you close your eyes. You were going to die. This was it for you, and maybe, that would best. Take you out of this miserable life. The train comes to a harsh stop throwing you from your seat. You head smacks painfully against the floor and with a groan you lose reality.

*Mr krabs walking sound effect*

Castle In The Sky (1986) Grave of the Fireflies (1988) My Neighbor Totoro (1988) Kiki’s Delivery Service (1989) Only Yesterday (1991) Porco Rosso (1992) Pom Poko (1994) Whisper of the Heart (1995) Princess Mononoke (1997) My Neighbors the Yamadas (1999) Spirited Away (2001) The Cat Returns (2002) Howl’s Moving Castle (2004) Tales from Earthsea (2006) Ponyo On A Cliff From The Sea (2008) The Secret World of Arrietty/The Borrower Arrietty (2010) From Up on Poppy Hill (2011)

If any of the links stop working, please let me know so I can fix it.

netflix just released the film ‘ek ladki ko dekha toh aisa laga’ which is an indian movie about a girl who’s into girls and how she gets the courage to come out and face her family and be with the woman she loves. sound familiar? yeah, i know it’s the basic plot of most hollywood lgbtq movies but that’s not the point. 

this is literally the first indian movie i’ve seen on a famous platform, accessible by anyone, that actually represents the lgbtq community in all its beauty and love and affection, rather that scorning or mocking it. 

the movie is beautiful and the scenes and the fluff and the cute couple and the emotions just make it so worth watching, and that’s not all.

i’m an indian bisexual teenager and i would’ve been so happy to have been exposed to a movie like this when i was younger. if i had seen this kind of portrayal in the film industry, i doubt that i would’ve been the afraid young girl i was and i would’ve had the courage to do what the main characters did and just BE MYSELF. 

all i hope is that someone sees this movie, some little girl out there sees it and knows that she is not alone, that she is not abnormal. with a topic such as this, which has been treated as taboo for decades now in my country (still is kinda), when it is actually being represented and being represented well, i can’t help but wanna scream about it from the rooftops. 

also just look at this adorableness:

Jeongin: your hair looks cute

Normalize opposite sex idols being friends.

Normalize opposite sex idols being friends.

Normalize opposite sex idols being friends.

Normalize opposite sex idols being friends.

Normalize opposite sex idols being friends.

Normalize opposite sex idols being friends.

Normalize opposite sex idols being friends.

Normalize opposite sex idols being friends.