♥

i can genuinely say that this was the first time I’ve ever really felt love, or what i thought was love. and as for someone with divorce parents, it took me some fucking time. i was so afraid, genuinely afraid to love because my vision of “love” (from my parents relationship with one another), was that it’s a constant argument and that it wasn’t forever.

i don’t mean to be so vulgar, but that took so much out of me - this relationship. this 3-year and some months, I thought this might’ve been it. that pouring my heart out, putting you on this pedestal, and loving you so much - I thought you were it. i wanted to prove that love is real, genuine, and that love is you.

But alas, I’ve put all this effort, all this time, all my energy that I’ve never put into anyone, just to stopped being loved.

This is out of the blue, but I never was able to get rid of the feelings I've once felt for you. I know it probably sounds stupid to you now and I'm too late, but I'de rather tell you now. For the longest time I never told you, because I was too scared to fall in love again. I found/made up reasons why I should not think about you. None of it worked, I kept thinking about you, your smile, your pout face when you were mad at me. God you're so cute, I just missed enjoying every single moment with you. I figured when you moved to the states that it was finally over. Nope I tricked myself again and it didn't work. I've literally come to realize that I'm still in love with you, the person to come out of nowhere when I was sick and helped me get better. You even went out of your way to message me first or pick me up when we hung out. My heart never ached when I was with you, just afraid that I would hurt you all over again. I know I'm terrible for telling you all of this out of nowhere, but do as you will. I'll take all the negativity you have on me, because I'de rather see you smile than not to Kim.

i didn’t respond. i honestly don’t remember this message but i guess i decide to not respond. but here’s a response:

i’m sorry for not responding. i acknowledge your feelings and wish that we continue what we have now: a friendship. though it isn’t the most talkative type of friendship, it is still one where i can hit you up whenever i come back and know that you’re down for a random hangout. i admire this courageous confession and admit that years back i too was still fond of you, but because of distance i knew it wouldn’t work out. i’d much rather be your friend than another stranger because you see - i am now limited to a few friends left so knowing that i still have you, is all i need. i hope you’re well. i hope whoever you fall in love next knows how much of a great guy you are. 

yesterday, i finally spoke to another adviser, hoping to confidently say that “i’ll be graduating in *so so* semester!” and well - i can confidently say that i’ll be graduating in spring 2021! it makes me so happy. you have no idea! it was so hard to contain my excitement when she said that i only needed a couple classes left and i will be able to graduate in spring 2021. she first asked when i wanted to graduate/when do i see myself graduating, and i was so afraid to say spring 2021. i was afraid she was going to say “nope it’ll be a while until you graduate”. that embarrassed feeling i have in my gut is gone and i’m just so glad to have a set “last semester”. it has been a long time coming dude.