Ylka wrytes!

Photo by Photo by Mustafa Kocatürk

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happen even to the best of intentions - to iwareta. A lot of us learn that the really hard way. You give your all, you try your hardest to the best of your abilities even when you don't have much, you choose kindness and patience every damn time despite not knowing how since you weren't shown how - all for the sake of stability within your surrounding and people will always find a way to make you feel worthless. Like you're nothing but trash. It's their very special way of telling you, 'Hey, you're never gonna mean much so don't try so hard. Your existence is already suffocating, let's just keep it at that. OK? There's no need to make everyone miserable. We're already cursed with you' - in no particular order and most of the time in not even the exact words, but you can tell from the way they see you, treat you, tolerate you and force themselves to make space for you.

You can always tell -

that sometimes in life, just because some people stood by you from your childhood to adolescence to even adulthood, doesn't mean they care. Sometimes they're there because it was expected of them. While some other times they're there because they hadn't the opportunity to be anywhere else. And most of the times that doesn't mean they're evil or anything remotely similar. They're just making their way through life the best way they can just like everybody else, and somehow you happened. You probably weren't part of their plan and now they have to reschedule everything to include you. Fun isn't the word we're looking for here, that I can say with absolute certainty.

Tragic. I know.

It gets worse when you're expected to show up the way they hadn't exactly taught you how, and you are scorned for having the nerve to ask for guidance. You are told that your hopes and fears have no place around them. Repeatedly. And the belief; that your hopes and fears are meaningless; becomes your only identity because no one else would ever tell you differently.

A week or two in that environment will crack something you never knew you had in you. In a few years you might be numbed to it due to having to nurse the wounds by yourself since no one else gives a shit. But a lifetime of having to make yourself invisible so as to not invite chaos, and being treated with contempt for not existing properly? It bleeds you and it eventually breaks you. Into pieces you can't even decide if they're worth picking up.

And you won't even realize it until that particular someone who loves you the way God intended for you to be loved points out how wildly disconnected you are from the rest of the world, in the way you see yourself. That there are others, in this world, who don't think you're worthless. That there are people who smile when they remember you. That there are souls who seek yours because you feel like home to them. You won't even know how to react to that because all your life, you see yourself the way they see you - contemptible and cursed. That's the only way you know. That's the only you you know. That's their truth and it's now somehow your truth, too. And it's a tragedy that it will always be your truth until you depart. It's a tragedy for you and that particular someone too, because happiness won't simply decide to wait at the end of the tunnel just because you found each other.

It sucks. I know.

It truly does.

But at least, for now, there's finally someone who takes your side. Someone who thinks your nonsense is worth spending time on. You might not know if you should hold on to that person, but it's fine. You don't have to decide anything yet. Just be grateful that someone's happy to be kind to you. Be thankful that someone chooses to believe in your dreams. And be at peace knowing that someone happily prays for your happiness even when you think you don't deserve it.

They say all the love you have given to the world will always find a way back to you. All the choices you consciously make for the good of others will find a way back to you. And all those moments you decide to choose peace instead of chaos will find a way back to you, too. You are after all, their home. For all you know, all the love you've poured out into the world might be coming back to you in the form of this person.

But I hope you'd never stop hoping.

Photo by Saber Hitchcock *** I think.

In a thousand years or less, I could be dust. I could be stardust if my stars don't fuck up their job. I could be everyone's anchor and no one's harbor if I so wish. Or I could be gone unless God decides differently. I could be anything.

You, too. You could be the brightest star in someone's sky if you so wish. You could be the best summer someone has ever had, the liveliest fireworks in a bottle, the fiercest blue lightning in a star decanter, the only spoon in a world of soup where everyone else is a fork, the leatherbound book that keeps growing a new page after the reader reaches the end; or you could be the reason someone decides to keep living. That they think the world is not such a bad place after all. That there is some good in it for them to suffer through because you exist. That you are worth a lifetime of longing for that promise of eternity. That you could mean something.

You could also be a lighthouse - guiding your significant someone home every single time they stray. And maybe you already are. Maybe she, too, has found sanctuary in the warmth of your soul. Maybe both of you are already homes for each other. Maybe that would even last forever if you so pray.

You really could be anything.

And when you have enough magic to be anything, would it make sense for you to consciously choose to be ordinary?

To live ordinarily?

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Photo by Ruxanda Photography

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Photo by Pixabay

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Life is like a flower;

without colour;

without you.

Happy Mother's Day, Maak.

Photo by Monstera Production

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What's easy is telling people, 'Choose the people who choose you.' It's a simple statement, no frills and no embellishments, it says what it means. What's not very easy is doing exactly that; choosing the people who choose you. Because sometimes we don’t get chosen by the people we choose, too, so we keep making wrong choices out of spite. Life’s like that. You win some, you lose some more. Sometimes you even lose everything.

But the heart wants what it wants. It chooses blindly, without judgement, without prejudice. That’s the tricky part of having one. It will crave the most toxic and lethal thing from the most treacherous source and you won’t know what’s killing you until it actually does. I guess a lot of us are just built that way. Sometimes you realize that you’re self-destructing, so you get to save yourself in time. If you’re lucky, you’ll get help from your chosen people who also choose you while you do. Sometimes you know that it’s poisoning you but because it doesn’t cause immediate pain, you just ignore it. And sometimes you’re caught off guard because you didn’t know it was poison.

I was caught off-guard yesterday; discovered that I had been walking on eggshells for no clear reason, realized that I was never able to properly comprehend a certain person despite having the best of impressions of him, found out that you can mean no harm but people will get hurt, anyway; that you can’t decide who feels offended over what, finally learnt that it’s worrying to be that worried over something I don’t have enough information of and also accepted that if something drains you, then it’s not for you because some people can really say anything without meaning a single word. So many lessons learned from one incident. So many kind words from the chosen people, too, who somehow found it within them to have enough grace to kindly point me in the right direction.

I guess this time I chose wrongly. I should have known better. Should have taken my own advice. Should have loved myself more every day. Should have been kinder to myself, too. It wouldn’t have been this unfathomably chaotic if I had put myself first as I’ve always done before this.

Do I thank God that whatever this is, is short-lived? I think I do. I did.

I think I found myself again, too. The me I actually respect. I hope I won’t lose her to anything else in future.

She has never been very easy to find every time she goes rogue. So yeah I hope she’ll stick around longer this time.

Video by Efrem Efre

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shouldn't be a privilege for a selected few. It should be everyone's right to bloom and be their best selves. If you ask me, everyone should be granted a time in their life where everything finally goes right for once and maybe for always - after they have given their all surviving the world and its madness and not giving in to them.

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These two have my whole heart OMG. Their reunion is all I want, a happy ending for both of them. Maybe we could keep Paimon, too, if she's not the Primordial One. But truly, the traveler finding their twin is the only conclusion I will be able to live with; their happiness takes top priority - everything else be damned.

My fingers are crossed.

Nothing else will make sense.

The twins MUST find their way back to each other.

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Photo by Anastasiia Chaikovska

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Sometimes in my dream I run across a field, looking for something, or someone. It's vast. There aren't any trees nearby. No shades. The sun shines but it's not blisteringly hot. It also never sets.

Silence is everywhere. The only whispers I hear are the winds. They greet me once or twice in my journey but that's it. The horizon seems far but it's visible so I keep running. But I never seem to get closer. It feels like I'm chasing both something and nothing at the same time. Like I'm chasing hope and despair in the same moment. And since it's a dream, it doesn't get tiring. But it eventually gets exhausting (mentally).

Yet somehow I know I'm not meant to stop. The me in my dream believes in that horizon. That one day she'll reach it. She doesn't know if anyone or anything will be there but she knows she has to arrive at it and that she will.