brave, not fearless

It’s an enigma to me, you know, after experiencing a prolonged intimacy with someone, why people are never satisfied with whatever they have. Like getting what you want only leaves you wanting more, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing. But in romantic affinities—not necessarily relationships, and definitely one that isn’t polyamory—I don’t understand how you can be so lacking sometimes. I mean maybe this enigma is all just personal to me, because I don’t understand what I lacked that you’d still desire something more, or something else.

How am I not enough?

And then people would tell you that you’re not at fault, that it was the other person, not you. Or you simply don’t have what they’re looking for.

But what else would you be looking for when it’s all you’d ever want? Connection, spontaneity, meaningful conversations, stimulating arguments? The kinda relationship that helps your grow, that makes you want to be a better version of yourself?

How can you not be enough?

Wow, yeah, I haven’t written for a while.

It’s been a year and a month since we moved to Canada. And I don’t know where to begin. I’m just writing again because my thoughts are becoming too much, my emotions are excessive I needed to spill them out somewhere. I also miss writing. 

Where do I begin?

I don’t think I can even begin from the proper beginning, because I’m not in a good enough shape to organize whatever fuckery has blasted inside my system. I’m lost in my own headspace. I’m drowning in my thoughts. I’m caught up in a war between my desire for logic and my determination to understand my emotions. And I really just want to get everything out of my system.

I don’t know if this setup will continue to work for me because I’m starting to feel things that are against the FwB policy. I mean, I don’t even know if that was the established setup, but with how things have been going between us so far, that’s the most logical assumption. 

But see, the thing is, I don’t know what I want. And I may be trying to gloss it over with saying I simply am fine with anything. I wasn’t accustomed to talk about what I want in the first place, so at one point I guess I just stopped ‘wanting’ things. I grew up hating having to rely on others so I find it hard to ask for favors, or to ask for anything at all with regard to myself. I didn’t know how to do it. It kills me to do it. 

I don’t like it. This. This rollercoaster ride of emotions. I feel too much to the point of feeling nothing. I lose control over myself when I allow myself to feel for people. And it’s ironic, because I would prefer this. I feel nothing most of the time so I deliberately hurt myself to feel something—at least that way I know I’m alive.

Yet this whole clusterfuck of feelings is messing me up to my core. 

And I can’t function. It’s starting to get bad again. It’s getting bad, getting bad.