Life Journal

One of my goals for this year is to never cry.

I guess for the past 2 years, I’ve been filled with so many sad tears. My anxiety had gotten worse and I cared a little bit too much about everything that I forgot how to make myself happy. I forgot who I was as a person and I stopped enjoying life.

I don’t want to be bothered by little things anymore, especially things that aren’t even significant in my life. I don’t want to let small things make me weak, break me, and end up panicking. I don’t want to feel all these emotions anymore. Sometimes I just want to be numb to the point where I wouldn’t care about anything.

I just want to tell people to fuck off. I want to drink so bad that I wouldn’t remember what happened. I want to let loose and just be free. Free from all the emotions I’ve been carrying for so long.

I don’t want to ever feel depressed again. I don’t want to need other people to make me happy. I want to be able to make myself happy. I want to be enough for myself.

An hour before I enter my 32nd birthday I wanted to write some of the things that has happened for the past month. Daddy was diagnosed of liver cancer something that I have never thought would happen. It broke my heart and tears started pouring immensely as I received the dreadful news. I haven't talk to my sisters in years because of some conflicts and I told myself that it will remain that way until my last breath. I was angry at them and had resented them for the past 4 years or so. But I guess when when it comes to Daddy's health we had to forget all those anger and grudge and focus on ways to help Daddy. The day after the doctor told me Daddy's condition I called my older sister I followed Jm's advise which was to forget my pride and tell my sisters the current situation of my Dad's health. As I was talking to her I cried and told her I don't know what to do. That was the first time I have spoken to her in years. To be honest it so nice to talk to her I felt like I was not alone in this triumph. I have Jm and I know he'll always be there when I need him actually he was the first person I inform after our online consultation with the doctor but nothing compares to having someone feel your pain. My sister and I started talking beyond Daddy's health and frankly I felt a light weight has been lifted in my heart and it felt really good. For the past month I always question myself why of all the people in the world Daddy was the one with the liver cancer and now as I am typing this post I realized maybe God wanted me and my 2 siblings to finally talk with each other to eventually heal from all the conflicts we had. My sister told me earlier and even now before Daddy went to sleep that all he wanted was for us to speak to each other again. To never fight with one another and I felt a bit guilty. All these years Daddy wanted us to find peace with one another. The battle for Daddy's cancer is far from over but I know my sister's and I we got each other's back when it comes to Daddy's health.

I don't have any plan for my birthday no ballons, cakes, gift or etc my only wish for my birthday is more Daddy's good health. I am thankful of the life that God has given me I can't believe I am turning 32 years old I made it this far from all those suicide attempts, stress and mental breakdown.

Lord God thank you for the gift of life for all the blessings you have given to me. Even though I am not one of the best person in the world.

I hope for the next month to follow Daddy's tumor will be gone and I hope that my sister and I can remain this good communication.

I hope my next year will be filled with good memories, good decisions, good career path, a good life.

This is 31 signing off and Hello 32

In another liI would be your girl We keep all our promises Be us against the world

In another life I would make you stay So I don't have to say You were the one that got away The one that got away

While I was scrolling through Netflix one Sunday evening, looking for a random movie to fall asleep to, I came across a Japanese drama series that was trending on the app. I don’t usually go for these kinds of shows since I often find them a bit cringey, and I’ve never really watched Japanese dramas before. The only ones I’ve seen were anime back when I was younger.

But this series felt different. It followed a young woman struggling with her insecurities, especially when it came to expressing herself and dressing the way she wanted. She eventually meets a cross-dressing man who helps her learn how to do her makeup and style herself with confidence. What started as simple guidance slowly turned into something deeper, and before long, they found themselves falling for each other.

Since the series only released one episode per week, I couldn’t wait to see what would happen next. So I went searching for something similar and I actually found one. That’s when I ended up reading a manga for the first time ever. I got so hooked that I just kept wanting more of these kinds of stories.

Unfortunately, I couldn’t find anything quite like it at first. But then, while scrolling through Netflix again, I stumbled upon a series called I Cannot Reach You. At first, I thought it was just another typical school or university drama little did I know, it was actually a BL series.

Yep, Boys’ Love. At the time, I had no idea what that even meant. I only learned about “BL” later on through TikTok.

And just like that, the addiction began.

I started watching BL during the last week of July 2025 and as of now, I’ve already watched more than 54 BL series.