Lists are powerful things. And power makes everyone feel better on their worst days. And the thought of "better" is on my mind a lot lately, special thanks to the song below by The Bleachers. Not better in the mental sense or success sense, I do not think that I am an awful person adorned with flaws. Rather, I find it motivating to think of the things that I want to "better" in my life, instead of change, get rid of, do away with or eliminate- actions that all derive their meaning from negativity. I feel like this post has been circulating in my brain for a while, while I'm in the shower scrubbing the body that I constantly find reasons to hate, when I'm googling things on the internet, cooking in the kitchen, bored at work or driving in my car. It's time I put these mental illustrations to "paper" and make something "better" of them:
1) I want to eat better. Might as well just start there- reading 28toLife really got me thinking about the things I put into my body. I may not stick to it completely, but I think I can make a pure effort of really being conscious about what I am putting into my body.
2) I want to be better at keeping my room clean. This is something I want to begin, continue and always do. I always have a more clear head when my room is clean- and lets face it..I ADORE my room. All of my little belongings, picture frames, my god damn perfect comforter, my tall leaning mirror and my Alex Prager film poster from the Corcoran. They are all little pieces of me that I love as a collection, so I want to make my collection better...by keeping it clean. Or at least in an organized state of minimal chaos.
3) I want to make better playlists. Music is such a central factor of my life, so why don't I organize it in a way that shows how important it is to me? I get so stuck on a few songs and listen to them on repeat on a new Spotify playlist until I am numb to them and they have lost their appeal. I want to make playlists for cooking, for writing, for driving, for summer nights with good friends, for classic rock moods that remind me of home, for Firefly, for being sad, for cleaning my room (maybe this will help with #2) and the list goes on and on until my Spotify is a new collection of crafted playlists.
4) I want to be better at saving MY money. I'm working hard for this money, but yet find myself squandering it away and wondering why the hell I bought a dress I'll probably only wear once or twice. I'm working 7 days a week this month and I want to come out of this month with something to show, money in my savings for New York City and a list of items that I can actually purchase and use often. A new rain jacket, things for my future apartment and a nice watch...to name a few.
5) I want to write better posts. So many of my posts are long and drawn out, about overwhelming sadness, thoughts about future love or random musings. And while these are lovely, and always wonderful to read back over- I want to start writing more "themed" posts..much like this one. Posts that have a theme or something to be pondered or thought about and questioned...maybe even answered. I'm not trying to be "heard" per say.. maybe one day that would be fun..but I want to improve my writing and make it INTERESTING. I want to write things that anybody, not just the little voice in my head, can relate to on any given day. Thoughts on taking a creative writing class?
6) I want to be better at taking deep breaths. Granted, I know how to breathe- and I know how to breathe deeply. But I want to be better at taking deep breaths when they matter the most- when I'm frustrated and about to say something mean about someone, when I'm annoyed by some silly pet peeve, when I'm rushing through my day like a maniac or when I get frustrated with my mom on the phone because she's nagging me about my budget, my diet or the same little things she does every single time we talk on the phone. I want to remember to take a deep breath when I'm lying in bed about to start my day at 6AM as a reminder that I'm alive and "fearfully and magnificently created" and capable of breathing. I want to be better at living in the moment, breathing in the moment and doing so in the deepest breath of life possible.
7) I want to plan better for the PRESENT. The old cliche comes around again- live in the present, la la la la. BUT IT IS SO GOD DAMN TRUE. I probably spend half of my life visualizing, romanticizing or imagining scenarios, moments or situations that could maybe possibly maybe happen. Yes- I believe that it's healthy to have a vivid imagination..but not to the extent where it begins to change the way you view the present- where you let your heart and soul feel and create a situation in the future so perfectly that it becomes the present, it becomes reality and only leaves your heart longing and hurting for something that again...could maybe possibly maybe ever even happen.
8) I want to be better at listening...to myself. It's about damn time that I start listening to myself when I say it's over, he never loved you so he never will, he's not your guy and that I'm wasting my time. It's time that I listen to myself when I say that I deserve the sun, the moon and the stars all wrapped into one big guy wrapping his arms around me and kissing enthusiastically with all the love in the world. It's time that I start believing myself when I say that I can eat better, that I can keep my room clean, make great playlists and stop squandering my money. It's time that I start listening to my inner thoughts and ramblings and forming sentences about them. It's time that I start listening to my deep breathing and remember the reasons why it is important to take the time to breath deep. It's time that I listen to myself when I say that the future is far away- and the present is all we have (and of course- fuck the past.) But most importantly, its time to listen to myself when I say that I am already wonderful the way I am, that I can better myself and that I'm already hurtling headfirst, running full speed, twirling with my arms stretched to the sun towards way to the best version of myself yet.