vent-ish post?
i feel like i’m going through some sort of depressive slump that isn’t manifesting itself in the usual “oh i wanna kms” style but more so in the “i don’t want to talk with anyone but my mom and i never want to leave the safe vicinity of my house and all my friends suck and think i'm a prude bc i don't want to drink and get freaky with people and i don’t feel fulfilled by anything i do with life” which in turn makes me want to rip out my hair and punch random objects, which in turn has left me with bruised hands and shins!
not only this, but i feel like seeing everyone’s graduation posts and everyone having their lovely dresses and perfect hair and skinny bodies and white skin and lovely friend groups makes me realize that i don’t really have any friends in my physical proximity who i feel close with? and that while i may have objectively done a fair deal with my life in terms of moving to a new continent in 10th grade, i am so socially and mentally unfulfilled. and i haven’t experienced any bond with my school mates close enough to carry on a friendship with into university. i also feel a glaring lack of accomplishment approaching my graduation, maybe because my IB results only come out in july, and by proxy my university results as well. lately, i’m just incapable of feeling happy for/about anyone or anything? 99% of the news i have received from people has felt almost annoying in its content and i feel so narcissistic for not being able to give a shit like i want to. like my mom’s presence is the only one i have found palatable for the past two weeks, and every time i think of asking one of my friends (or rather, just the one who i can hang out with one-on-one and not in a group setting, at my mom’s request and worry that i am becoming reclusive), i feel like i’m about to have a meltdown and i chicken out. i think it’s because i’m dead set on not drinking and not having a slut summer, and that is all my friends want to do, so i don’t want to force them to not do that by hanging out with me in another setting, but i also don’t really want to hang out with them in that setting (tried and tested, not fun).
also not in a mean way but i also see people being creative which was something i was so looking forward to doing once exams finished, but i’ve been so burnt out since my last exam and nothing i draw comes out right and nothing i write is worth reading. and i see my friends creating and drawing and writing and coming up with stuff and every time i try to express my rut i get unsolicited advice and unhelpful placations, and i can’t even be bitter and express my all-consuming envy because then i seem like a bitch! and even my attempts to seem bitchy magically land well and then i seem even nicer? i don’t even know.
all of this to say is that i’ve forced myself to ask that friend to hang out, and i think i’m going to quit art once i finish a commission for a friend of my mother’s. make that bag and then drop out while i’m ahead. i derive no joy from my mediocrity and if two years of IB HL art wasn’t able to give me the external validation i need to feel worthy of creating more, then at this point it’s a lost cause.
