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“Perfection is so quick to bore, once they leave no one will remember them except for beauty, nothing special or unique” the man said to the pianist as stern as a wall. “Don’t be so naive, they’re the definition of beauty and perfection in this world, you may end up unwell if you don’t be careful with your words” the blonde pianist said almost sarcastically. The man knew they had no actual power, so did the pianist, but it was laughable that they did hold most of the power over peoples minds, mainly to control others with the beauty of their charming words and high social status.

“I have no reason to respect them, they’re just people dancing” “True, but they’ve done nothing to you to deserve none at all” “They’re bad people, I can tell, you know I’m right” the man scoffed and rolled his eyes as the boy continued to play a song on the large white piano.

“You’re always so angry, you’ve changed over the years” the pianist giggles at his own statement and smirks.

“I’ll be on my way now, bye”

“As disrespectful as ever, not to be unexpected, you’re quite the unpredictable type” “Stop talking and play your damned piano” the man was clearly done with the boy's teases. The tall man walks in irritation and decides to get a drink, maybe a shot will do? He looks around the large room and spots that the man and woman of perfection had finally finished their dance of the night. The woman with blonde hair takes the hand of a woman with bright red hair as they go upstairs. Wonder what they’ll do up there, probably get her ready for something formal. What else would they do, all they did in this world was party and drink, waiting for their lives to be taken by whatever forces them in their First Life.

After a few hours of forgetting about the perfect people he decided to get some fresh air and get away from all the chaos. Drunkenly the man left choked up in the crowds of people in big dresses and tight suits quickly flees to the outside garden. The garden is filled with greenery in many different shapes with a beautifully designed fountain that makes the man cringe, he didn’t like many fancy things.

“Why don’t you join the party?” said a male from behind him. Frightened by the sudden noise the man jolts.

“Soran, that’s your name is it not?” The man of perfection stood behind him calling his name. Soran, is that his name? He doesn’t remember.

“Yes?” Soran asked in confusion, why would this man decide to come out to talk to him. Nonetheless he had no desire to talk to someone like him.

“I’m Elliot, I saw you talking to Brandon earlier, the pianist, didn’t know he had friends” “I’m not his friend” Soran responds as soon as the word ‘friend’ comes from the other males mouth.

“Oh, I’m sorry for misinterpreting your relationship with him” Elliot clearly didn’t care, he giggled and smiled with clearly no intent of being apologetic.

“Why are you talking to me?” Straight to the point, that's how he always was. Soran didn’t like small talk with people he has no interest in. “Should I have a proper reason? You merely intrigued me, nothing more. You’ve never looked at me or my fiance once.”

“Is that a requirement? Unlike you I have no interest in either you or your fiance” Elliot had an attitude that even took Soran by surprise. He thought he’d be more formal, less rude, like others said.

“Of course not! I’m just not used to it is all” Elliot puts his hands in the air and walks slowly towards Soran. Soran turned to the fountain and sat down. Frustrated, he kicked one of his feet making a rock swiftly skip on the ground.

“This place is beautiful, I can see why you’d come here” Next to Soran Elliot was now standing over Soran as he sat down on the edge of the fountain.

“I guess, it’s nothing special. I hate the design on the fountain and the unneeded shapes of the bushes” Soran started to feel a little less tense and started to settle down. He has to admit that the place is nice, calming even. When he’s upset or angry he comes here to relax before going back into the part to do who knows what. Usually he’d like to be alone but having company wasn’t the worst at the moment. In fact, he enjoyed Elliot’s company, it felt weird, he’s not a very sociable person and prefers to be alone especially when irritated by things that in the end, didn’t matter.

“Such a pessimist, you should enjoy this a little more, it’s not everyday you see such a beautiful garden” Soran felt as if Elliot were teasing him but, he wasn’t wrong, he is a pessimist. Pessimism has been a thing he’s tried to work on since he was in his early teens.

“Do you have a dance partner?” Elliot changed the conversation drastically. Why was he asking him about his dance partner?

“Why do you care, you have a fiance so it shouldn’t worry you about my relationship status” Soran got clearly irritated by this, he has one, but it doesn't matter. “Jeez, no need to get so defensive I’m just curious!” Elliot starts to laugh. Was this meant to be funny? No, it’s not funny, he’s just weird, very weird.

“Would you like to dance with me?”

“No thank you” “Don’t be so shy you look lonely I’m a good dancer” “You’re engaged”

“Who cares?” Soran gets up, annoyed like always.

“Don’t you love her?” Elliot laughed at Sorans question almost as if it was a stupid question, maybe it was.

“Absolutely not” Elliot said this with a smile on his face and looked as carefree as ever, was this really a happy matter? Happily he just admitted to not loving someone he planned to marry. Soran thought about how disgusting he was but to be honest, did he even love his dance partner?

“Why get married then?”

“She’s powerful, why else?” Soran started to walk back a little less annoyed than before but still irritated nonetheless.

“Going so soon? You didn’t even give me an answer, it’ll just be one dance” Elliot grinned and gave his last words somewhat seductively.

“There’s no music to even dance to, what’s the point”

“Dancing doesn’t always have to be accompanied by music” He takes Soran hand and winks. Maybe it wouldn’t hurt to dance once, what harm could it cause?

“Fine.”

“You look beautiful tonight my love” Giggles come from Jackii’s mouth and they sound almost out of place, worrisome.

“Do you really think so? I picked this dress out for Elliot, I hoped he liked it. It’s not really my style but I guess anything for the person you love, right.” Gracefully she swirled to her balcony almost like a fairy tale princess.

“It’s gorgeous” Jackii followed Sofia to the over sized balcony. “Although like you said it’s not your thing it doesn’t suit you as much as your other dresses do” Sofia looked out in the distance. In the distance there was the Unremembered. It was a city for people lost in their First Life and awaited a future of brightness. While they suffer everyone in the never ending party called the Celebration of Intimacy drink and laugh their lives away. Sadly no one without a dance partner could enter the Celebration of Intimacy as it was the highest place one could be socially and then beauty took over. Unpleasant within the party were forgotten while the alluring took power.

“What do you think Elliot is doing?” Sofia continued to look from her balcony with her silk dress flowing with the little wind within the air. She was a sight for sore eyes and no one could deny it.

“Maybe he’s talking with Nathan?” Jacki had brought out a deep navy blue dress with black ruffles. “Would this dress be good?” She holds it up to Sofia as she turns around.

“Mhm it’s okay. But I really do feel I feel like some things are just not right. Elliot had acted quite weird this evening.” Jacki giggled at Sofia.

“When is he not weird?” Jacki comments with a hand to her face while smiling full of mockery.

Sofia sighs and slips out of her glass heels and lets her hair down as it flows through the small breeze coming from the open balcony. Mesmerized by her beauty Jacki grabs her hand and smiles dreamily into her emerald green eyes that screamed words of innocence that could be instantly broken any second.

“Maybe he was just a bit stressed out” Sofia smiles with feint glee. “Who knows what's going on in the real world maybe he lost a good friend”

“No one knows” Jacki, giggling, puts her hand to her mouth.

After getting dressed into a soft thick dress filled with a rustic green that looked like a cloud Sofia looks out the window while Jacki gets the items for her hair ready for placement. Looking down Sofia spots a beautiful girl. Wait no it’s a boy he’s wearing a vest, right? Continuing to look in interest as a boy with dark hair that she recognizes raised his hand towards.

“Hey Jacki” Sofia turns her body but keeps her eyes locked onto what she believes is her fiance. “Did Elliot go anywhere as he left the cabaret? Did he say anything to you?” She now faced Jacki with her eyes while quickly glancing back down.

“Not that I know of no” Jacki swiftly moved towards the balcony peering over to get a look. “Are you sure that’s Elliot? Wouldn’t he have gone with Beatrice?” She questions while looking at the beauty beside her.

my lukewarm coffee in the sink -- overflowing with dishes. I’ve always told myself I’d get to starting my life tomorrow, but I never do. I wonder what happens when there are no more tomorrows, no more time to procrastinate. In the end, I’ve never been that great of a person. In fact, I’m not a good person at all. I just seem to live it and surround myself with people that are worse than I am and make me look better in comparison.

Futile, pointless, I’ve lost the passion that comes with living. Nothing I do seems to have true meaning. It’s sad, truly, but she seems to never stop infesting my thoughts and memories: Jennifer, my love. It was back when naive love was something I was able to experience without fear. Shutting up should be what I do, as thinking deeply won’t help: it only makes the pain grow.

After snapping myself back to my reality, I hear the couch behind me make fabric move. Sighing, I turned to the couch that held a 16-year-old boy sleeping.

“Good morning, Cutie!” called a boy with dark skin and brightly purple dyed hair. Irritation was all I felt now. It was too damn early for this. Deciding not to answer, I begin to make myself another much-needed hot cup of coffee. I’d rather not talk to anyone before a cup of coffee because I might end up killing someone fully on purpose. “Hello, hello, Soran! I know you’re not deaf yet, come on.”

“I wish I were deaf if it means you shut up” I glared at him. He was one of those people that just does things without thinking. Groaning, the 16 year old boy rises after the other rudely woke him up with his obnoxiously loud and annoying voice. Waking up while starting to talk in a raspy voice. Blanket leaving his side, the young boy reaches for his phone checking the time. “Shouldn’t you guys be screaming at 7PM, not 5AM?” the boy speaks in giggles.

“Oh Micheal, you know he’s always angry about every little thing that I have to offer!” the man moved his hands around exaggerating his expression. What an irritation.

“It’s not that I get angry. You’re just annoying.” This sentence came out as an instant retort even though I know he’s just doing this to get on my nerves. “Can’t you just be a normal person for once”

“That’s like me asking you to be a nice person.”

What he said wasn’t funny, but yet he’s laughing at his own joke. Breathing and trying to relieve the overwhelming fury I felt through my veins, I slowly poured another cup of coffee I knew I wouldn’t finish.

“You guys are like an old married couple” Michael was back scrolling through images on some social media application. Not really my thing. Talking to random people seems like a good chance to hurt someone and I don’t really feel like hurting or being hurt today.

“Ew, gross, absolutely not; when I get married it will be to a gorgeous woman!” Still over-exaggerating he walks over to me and puts his hands on my shoulders. Towering over people was the norm to me and this didn’t exempt Elliot. He was only up to my chin area.

Brushing one side my shoulder length hair behind my ear I look over to Elliot with an unpleasant look hinting to him to stop touching me. Maybe if he could read social cues, he wouldn’t be such a pain to be around. Continuing to touch my shoulders, he smiles arrogantly.

“Can you stop touching me?”

I’m not going to ask nicely as he already knows I don’t like being touched. I would rather stay hundreds of feet away from the next living thing. Sadly, that isn’t very possible.

Wandering back into my room with the now almost lukewarm coffee, I lay down on my bed and think until falling asleep. My coffee always goes to waste on days like these.

Conflicts are one of my least favorite discussions. I’d rather pretend to agree with someone than have to debate with someone about something that didn't affect anyone. Not only that but I’d rather do something myself than have to deal with others arguing with me about how I get things done. Unlike Elliot, my obnoxious roommate, who argues with anyone who doesn’t agree with him even if he’s wrong.

Late at night sometimes, I go to a small balcony out my window to smoke. Sometimes it can help with the stress of having to take care of an ignorant asshole and a clueless child.

“What are you up to, old man?” Elliot’s brightly dyed purple hair now appeared out of the window flowing in waves.

“Tsk, I’m not that much older than you”

“Sixteen years is some age difference in my opinion” as if fast as light Elliot had now appeared behind me.

“What do you even want”

“I just wanted to talk, we’re friends after all”

“Debatable” I didn’t have friends and if I did they probably wouldn’t stay long as I always subconsciously push others away.

“Fine then, we’re roommates that can be friends” darting into my eyes with a charming smile Elliot now leaned on the railing of the balcony with me holding out his hand. Handing him the cigarette I turn to the night sky to avoid eye contact. “You’re always so distant, you can trust me you know”

“Funny joke, I know you’re a bitch behind your little charming smile” We’ve lived together for five years now but we’ve known each other for over seven.

Sighing I turned back to him to return the cigarette to my hand. I felt a weird tingling in my cheeks and I got up. Can't let this happen again, not after last time.

“I’m going to bed.” Elliot nodded and I started climbing into the large window.

“Hey Soran, wait,” Elliot turns to me and puts a hand on my shoulder after I’m in the window. “Can I please stay in your room? The couch is way too small for me and Micheal heh!”

Pausing, thinking, pondering on he’s asking thoughts and memories arise. But yet I can’t see them very vividly. The impulse to say no is growing but thinking about how uncomfortable it must be for two almost fully grown men to sleep on one couch must be there really isn’t much of a debate.

“Sure whatever but you have to sleep in the way back on the bed I’m sleeping on the edge”

“Sounds good yup yup!!” Elliot smiled with closed eyes and we stayed like that for a while. After about ten seconds it got really awkward so I yanked my shoulder away from his hand.

“Okay. . .” I look awkwardly at him. I guess I’ll sleep now. No need to just stay here with this douche. After a few second pause I get my thoughts back together and finish my sentence. “I’m going to sleep. Come in whenever, I guess.”

Starting a brand new morning I realize that Elliot’s already left. We’ve been sleeping in the same bed for a couple months now. It wasn’t as bad as I expected. He can actually keep his hands to himself. At least my one fear was saved by him having what little humanity he has. Recently he’s been buying me food but I always end up throwing it away although I make sure he doesn’t see it. Even if I don’t like it I don’t want to insult him when I know he’s trying his best.

It was now later in the day and I was watching the news on my small laptop. Suddenly, bursting into the small room Elliot comes over to my desk and places a white container from some Chinese restaurant there. Raising my eyebrow while looking towards him and questioning him with what he had brought me.

“What!?” Elliot looked happy but with his eyebrows furrowed.

“Nothing, just didn’t expect you to come home so... early?” It was true Elliot, the man beside me now, got home from his ‘job’ around 12 AM to 3 AM but it was currently only 9 PM.

“Okay, well, I got us some tasty fried rice from the Chinese place downtown!” I slowly felt a panic overflowing me but I didn’t realize what it was for until Elliot’s next sentence. “Let’s watch a movie together and eat it all together plus I got more in the kitchen. You know cause we’ve never actually all eaten together so I set up some plans of my own!”

“What?” I was about to throw up all my guts without doubt, the stress was almost unbearable. Hearing that isn’t really called for my reaction but to me it very much so is. No, I can’t do this. I just say I’m tired or that I don’t feel like eating. Maybe I’ll just say I already ate or something, anything…

“I want us all to eat together almost like a family!” Elliot giving his usually charming smile now looked evil to me. I want to cry and run. In my head it doesn’t sound so bad, eating, but being faced with it makes my bones shiver.

“I-I’m fine, sorry” Sh*t why am I stuttering I never stutter anymore what is going on I need to get out of here or something I can’t stand it here I can’t live like this! “I’ll eat later”

“Aw, come on it’s not like you can’t eat you haven’t eaten all day so what’s there to be so stuck up about?”

Might as well go to the bathroom. I can't stand talking anymore. I’m going to throw up, but really, what’s even left to throw up? Not like I eat anything anyways. I feel lightheaded. . .

Crossing my legs while sitting on my not so comfortable bed I read a book chapter by chapter wasting my life day by day sitting in an apartment that I’ll never leave. It wasn’t too bad is what I tell myself but it’s been almost three years since I’ve actually taken a foot out of this house. Maybe I’ll leave today? No, I’ll just get hurt or get found by... Nathaniel? I can’t remember why I shouldn’t leave but I know I shouldn’t because of him. In my head I know it’s wrong and that I’ll never leave.

Never liked smoking, always seemed like a pointless act of violence to yourself but my ex-boyfriend Nathaniel got me into all sorts of stuff I promised myself I’d stop or never start in the first place. He’d always deem it as a way for me to calm down and so we can have fun easier. Sadly I never listened to my gut around that man.

“You seem distracted, looking into space?” the common voice of Elliot bursts into my room making me feel warm. Strangely enough I’ve been feeling a warming sensation around him and I don’t like it.

“Hey, ya just was thinking about, uh, stuff, I guess. Nothing interesting” I face my back towards him rubbing my eyes from exhaustion. I hadn’t slept the night prior as I was so stuck in my thoughts of that guy, aka, Elliot. Seriously why do I have to deal with all this when I just wish to sleep and live in my room.

“Mhm, well me and Michael are going to go see this movie he wants to see it. Apparently it just came out and he really wants to see it in theaters, ha!” That’s nice, I guess. They’ll probably be back around 4 PM or maybe 5 PM depending on how long the average movie is. Possibly I could get some of my work done while they're gone- “Wanna come with us? We have extra tickets!”

“Huh?” Leaving the house? What? Panic is here again as usual. Changing always seems to freak me out it seems. Maybe I should just give up on trying to change for the better, not like I’ll ever be better than a tragic nobody. “S-sure”

“Really! Nice I’ll tell Michael and get the car ready!” His charming smile fills his face as he leaves the room leaving me to myself and the panic that overwhelms me. Feeling the sensation of melancholy tears fill my eyes. I can’t do this is all I can ever believe. I’m never going to change. But, maybe I can?

Standing in front of me now stood Micheal giving me a weary look, knowing my situation. Is it that obvious? They couldn’t possibly know I don’t go outside, right?

“Are you gonna be okay?” The boy's accent was heavy and his eyes looked upon me in pity. Weirdly knowing that he’d known my anxiety started to skyrocketed. I’m not presentable to the public who knows how long I haven’t taken time to myself to freshen up. I’m not okay. After three years is this going to be my way I go outside or will I just come up with another dumb excuse to get away with closeting myself from the world. This is a pointless debate. Seriously, what’s the point in going outside when all I’ll do is get hurt. Starting to calm down with my determination to not go, I turn back to my room as Elliot exists. He wouldn’t care, right? Walking out with his ripped jeans and rustic red and yellow striped shirts, he winks at me.

Feeling my heart flutter while my legs start to shake as I feel as if I’ll crumble to the ground. A soft hand reaches on my shoulder and snaps my head back looking at Micheal.

“Hey, you okay?” Was I really so panicked I didn’t even respond? What’s going on with me and why can’t I get out of my own head.

Out of the house couldn’t be that bad, right? It’s not the same world as I remember. Remember? What do I remember? The small world of my room seems to be all that’s left so why should I leave? Soft and sweet that’s what it is here even though it feels like a cage but it’s a safe caged one that makes sure I don’t get hurt again. I can’t trust the real world.

“I don’t want to go” I whisper to Micheal trying to avoid the disappointment I might receive from Elliot. He was so excited for me to leave after all. Nodding, Micheal faces Elliot as he passes up humming a tune, heading to the door.

“Everyone ready?” he turns to us, smiling, almost glowing. Why do I feel this way?

“Yeah, I’m good,” I replied slowly, barely even thinking about going anymore. Honestly, we should just watch the movie here then I’d be able to feel safe without having to worry about being safe and maybe we could, never mind. No point in that. I’m not going. “I was actually thinking about not going.” Looking away, distracted by what seemed to be nothing, I feel the disappointment about to set in. Guess it was a good thing to space out so I didn’t have to deal with it head on. I’m such a coward.

“Huh? Why not? We’re all ready so what’s the point in not going?” As expected the questions come first next is the yelling and the inevitable fight at the end of the day when he comes back.

“I’m not in the mood to go outside, it’s not that big of a deal” I feel his irritation. I don’t blame him. He’s been trying to get me to go outside since he figured out I hadn’t gone out for a year. Weird time passes so fast when you just waste it.

“God, of course you’re not. When will you ever get off your ass and just fucking leave!?” Ouch, that hurts. Saddest part is that he’s not wrong.

I really need some sleep.

Waking to a bright morning light wasn’t the norm but for today, guess it was. Slowly glancing to the window I see Elliot. He looks so… so pretty. I’m not sure how to describe that. Weirdly enough I feel my cheeks starting to heat up and my heart start to race. Am I dying?

“G’morning beautiful” ew, his charming smile saying those words don’t save my ever growing warm cheeks. Gosh, they almost feel as if they were burning.

“Get out” I turn my back to him, hiding my face into my pillow hoping for this sickening feeling to leave.

I’ve wondered recently if I loved the man but that’s certainly not it and even if it is there was no point for having such emotions. Not only is the man heterosexual but us both don’t understand the meaning of ‘love.’ So suffering with the pit in his stomach would have to suffice as nothing more could be done.

“You’re too cold Soran, too cold!” Laughing he now layed next to me basking in the morning sun shining through the open window. Late into December it was and the cold air rushed in lightly with the soft breeze making my arms cringe with a shiver. Honestly I never disliked the winter but now it seemed so out of place and like any standing effort for love would crumble like a losing battle.

“I just simply don’t like your teasing and flirting” was that even true? I loved it. It made my heart so warm in contrast to the bitter cold of my body. But sadly I am gross and unwanted in such a way and my wishful thinking has always been my demise so is it really worth thinking of even a maybe? Maybes always gives someone hope and that’s not what I need as all it will do is bring what little self esteem I have left to the wolves.

“It’s not like I flirt that much!”

“Ya, you’re right, you flirt too much”

Laying down we stay while talking and bickering about our lives, maybe complaining here and there about each other to each other nothing more and nothing less, we’re just friends. Just friends.

The day that was once a beautiful morning now has turned into an even more lovely night. Appreciating the stars as I sit on my balcony while they shine and twinkle in the ever so brisk air of mid winter, I turn to Elliot thinking of a maybe. This is dangerous and I shouldn’t think about this maybe but maybe just maybe...no it would make things awkward maybe even dangerously so. I’m not doing another maybe, it's too risky. But maybe he’ll care? Or maybe it won’t be so bad? No, if the best isn’t certain then prepare for the worst so if I even put my head into a slight bit of hope my life will become wrong again. I’ll surround myself with those people again. Oh, and how I don’t wish to be like that again.

“I feel like you're always having a panic going on in your head or something” Elliot’s voice breaks the silence. I then realize I’ve been staring at him the whole time.

“W-what do you mean?” God, why am I still stuttering over this small stuff.

“Like you just randomly go into your head and think, which always gives you this really weird facial expression.” His charming smile is back but for some reason it seems much softer, more innocent. Weirdly this tension I feel gives me another maybe. Maybe he loves me too? No, I can’t think foolishly. I'm no child and have no time for such naive love again. But, maybe?

“Sorry, I guess. It’s nothing though I’m just thinking, not panicking.” Gosh if only that were true, if I was just thinking I would’ve probably done something already about this growing pain in my heart.

“Nah, it’s cute, keep doing it” always does without thinking. Granted he’s an adult but he still acts as if he’s a child.

“Cool” I’m feeling anxious to the point of vomiting as I feel a growing pit of regret starting to fill without even doing anything. I feel like a teenager and it’s to the point where it’s no longer funny. “You know, you’re very enjoyable to be around.”

Raising his eyebrows Elliot looks at me almost surprised. Had I said something wrong? Everything feels wrong all of a sudden and my stomach feels even worse. I can’t do this.

“Thanks? Never thought I’d hear someone like you say that.” He laughed while smiling in a joyous way and I didn’t realize I had started to giggle with him. Why is life so cruel?

“Heh, ya, weird right? Nothing wrong with liking a friend.” Maybe.

“I know I know but you’re always so angry it’s kinda weird to just hear a nice and caring you for once ha!” Maybe?

“Ya, I can be nice sometimes. We’re both humans, it's not like I can’t be happy?” Maybe..?

“True true it’s just like maybe you like me a little too much?” What?

“Tsk, what do you mean?” Never mind, stone faced again, unable to change, like always.

“Just saying maybe you’d like me more romantically than platonically that’s a bit weird y’know?” Weird?

“Why would it be weird? Plus, I don’t” Backing away once again over the smallest sign of irritation.

“I don’t know? You’re a guy, I’m a guy. Just a bit weird” “I don’t think so seems pretty normal to me” Sh*t.

Sadly no plan I ever make will ever succeed, right? No, more wishful thinking will only kill what’s left of my small future. So now, a week after that incident, waiting for something to happen with the bottomless pit in my stomach. Anxiety kills every bit of joy I believed I had but it was all fake, a lie.

“You okay Soran?” Elliot? Why is he here talking to me? Thought he hated me already. Not really good at keeping secrets when you stare at someone then mentioning liking someone. Heh, I really am like a teenager even if I’m 37. “Soran, I need to talk to you”

“What do you want?” That came out more stern than I would’ve liked. I wish Michael was here and would make me feel a little less lonely with these endless thoughts. He may be a kid but he’s nice to talk with.

“The other day I-”

“Shut up. If you already know what I implied then it’d rather be better if we don’t mention it. It’ll make things less awkward than they already are.” “It is but it’s nothing negative I just need to talk” “I DON’T WANT TO FUCKING TALK!” Clashing, my body feels a tight warming from someone smaller than me. A hug? I feel calmer but yet just as stressful. Do I hug back or push away? I hate physical contact so why am I so calm?

Slowly I feel my tense muscles relax into the hug yet I still don’t feel right. I sat there, waiting, hoping for him to speak so I don’t have to. If I do end up speaking I’d probably die. Die from embarrassment and pure heartbreak that seemed to crush me from deep within. Why does it always end with me crying?

Filling tears I start to choke on myself, hurting from the ongoing pain in my chest that was once expressed as anger. Anger? Was I ever angry? I feel the pain I kept and continue to pour out in tears on another man's shoulder. I hate this and I want it to end. Yet it feels somewhat comforting and safe.

After a few seconds I feel a hand caressing the back of my head in strokes. Jolting at the sudden movement, I feel some of my muscles tense up and loosen again. Still feeling the tears streaming down my face as my muscles get weaker I feel as if I could collapse any moment. In fact I wouldn’t be surprised if I collapsed right here and now.

Too many emotions pulse through my brain but yet my crying starts to melt away. Slowly the choking of my breath goes to small quick jolts of hyperventilation. It hurts but I’d rather be here than crying alone.

Feeling the approaching waves of melancholy and sorrow I start to push away Elliot from this physical feeling. Maybe? Maybe. It’s not even a maybe it’s either a never or a yes. I’m feeling a weakening in my knees begging me to fall and bust my head out of this embarrassment.

“Soran, everything okay?” I continue to hyperventilate in contrast to my efforts to breathe normally. So clearly, no, I’m not fucking okay. Feeling as if I’m being crushed by the weight of an elephant makes me want to continue to cry silently. “Dumb question, sorry. Do you want me to get you anything? Tissues, water, food? I’m here for you, it’s gonna be okay.”

He sounds so awkward, unsure, as if he’s never comforted someone before. Wouldn’t be unbelievable. Neither of us have ever had a real relationship with anyone, have we?

“I’m sorry,” the words I speak quiver and shake with every tear that falls. Soft hands , Elliot’s hands, continue to caress my head in ways that seem familiar yet so far forgotten.

“It’s okay, you didn’t do anything wrong.” I didn’t? Feeling the tears start to swell again I dig my head deeper into his shoulder, embarrassed. Elliot, the man I thought I’d known in and out was there, hugging me, making me feel safe. This is a trick.

Melancholy seems to leave as soon as it comes as I sit on my knees, still laying on Elliot’s shoulder. It’s been this way for half an hour and I feel my cheeks start to flush. Heart racing as my stomach turns and twists I feel the bright diamond eyes of Elliot staring at me with tenderness.

“Everything okay now?” It was said so sweetly, so softly, I always took his kindness for granted. How could I be so selfish?

“Ya,,, ya I’m fine,” wishful thinking once again. What makes me think anything is fine? Crazy as it sounds I’m about to lose the only person that I’ve ever seen as a true friend. I know it. There’s no debate here, he clearly thinks I’m weird and he’s just comforting me to make us have a more ‘beautiful’ ending.

Looking at Elliot now I realize that once he leaves I’d have to leave. I won't be able to stay here without paying some kind of fee to the apartment manager. Nothing comes for free after all.

“You know, I didn’t come here for any negative reason,” why does he sound like that? I don’t like it. This is too serious. “But yes, I did come to talk to you about yesterday. Trust me though, it’s nothing bad.”

In my head I knew he wasn’t lying but I don’t think I can bring myself to truly believe that he isn’t going to leave. I mean like, who wouldn’t?

“What do you want,” It hurts to speak. My voice sounded so scratchy and rough I bet I sounds ugly as sh*t. My fast beating heart is sore and tired. I feel the overwhelming sensation of weakness and fatigue.

“Well, uh, it’s hard to explain. I guess, heh” Stuttering? Makes no sense, he never stutters, at least not in front of me. Maybe. “ W,,,well I guess I put some thought into what you said and implied. And well, I thought maybe you’d possibly want to start something between us.”

In my mind hearing this would’ve been heaven, but right now it sounds like a hell that I accidentally fell in. Why do I feel this way, this pain, it seems to fester no matter where I seem to go to, why is it always this way?

“Heh, I…I can’t respond,” really, that’s it? Sh*t I can’t do this, I just can’t, not again. Knowing the eventual outcome always seems to keep me from doing anything. I’ll never leave this house because the outcome could resolute in being shot or maybe even raped on the street by some random group of men.

“You don’t worry about responding, I can do all the talking.” The charming voice of reassurance drives me to raise my head from Elliot’s shoulder. Now facing him I feel my jaw tense. “For starters, can I kiss you?” My fast beating heart rises to my throat out of every bit of anxiety I’ve ever had at once. Nodding I put my hands on his shoulders almost about to resist and push away but I feel too weak to do anything. Trying to not tense to the touch.

Quick, it was so quick. Just a peck, did I expect something more? Elliot looks awkward and almost embarrassed. Was that to be unexpected? Truly, I’m not sure. He’s never kissed another man so I guess that makes a little bit of sense. On the other hand he’s such a flirt I’d expect him to try to do a full on make out with me without warning. But it really was just a kiss, a simple peck, and nothing more.

“Heh, I don’t know why I thought it’d be any different” Elliot breaks the unbearable silence.

“Well duh. It’s just a kiss? Not some big deal.” ‘Not some big deal’ is a bit of an understatement for the way I’m feeling at the moment. Feeling as if I’m being compressed from the inside out is definitely a big deal. A big deal that I’ll never know how to sort out.

“Ya, ya I know. Guess I thought it’d be different in a way. Never thought I’d kiss a guy like that either” He’s anxious, it’s almost alien to me, he’s so daring in every way and seeing him be truly anxious over a simple kiss is almost scary. Terrifying even. I guess that's just the way of life

Crash!

A small boy with bright red hair, woke up swiftly with eyes wide open. He had a dream or was it a nightmare? He looked around for a boy with blonde hair, his older brother, panic started to flow through him as he noticed his brother wasn’t there. His protection dissipated almost as soon as he noticed he’s gone. He runs to the next room hoping to find his brother as quietly as possible as if he’s scared to be too loud.

“--------” the small boy whispered in a panic “are you there?” He heard a shuffle sound of cloth and he turned around while having an impulse to lift his arms in the air, blocking his face from a force that never happened.

“---?” he heard his brother say softly. As soon as he turned around he hugged him. His brother was slim but very tall in comparison to him so his arms wrap around his waist. --- hated when his brother wasn’t next to him, he felt unsafe, he doesn’t ever want to feel like that so most of the time --- sticks to -------- like glue.

“What are you doing out here alone?” His brother looked concerned and extremely worried, did he do something wrong again? Why doesn’t -------- like anything --- does anymore? He was a disappointment to his poor older brother, he wishes he could do better.

Pop!

A rope and a bat, stained with gold, it’s beautiful.

“Do you regret it?” --- heard a small voice say, he almost thought it was himself, but he knows it wasn’t, it’s a girl's voice.

“I don’t know, I don’t feel anything”

“Nothing at all?”

“Nope.” --- felt like he had done nothing, nothing at all. This was going to change his life but yet he feels so indifferent about it. Gold was everywhere on him, his brother, and that blonde girl. What will he do now that someone’s gone, dead. What was so bad about it anyway, his dad was horrible, cruel, and nothing he would ever call a father. He held his brother's hand tightly nonetheless knowing that he had done something wrong and was in fear of punishment, was this regret or merely the fear of his father?

“Let go,” said the taller boy. --- was shocked at this demand, it wasn’t even a question. A pit grew in his stomach as those words processed in his head. Did he do something wrong again?

“Why?” why was a good question, why was he asking a stupid question, just let go. He didn’t deserve his brother, his support, his friendship. He wanted to run away from his mistakes, his misdeeds, and every single thing that made him other than flawless. These wants made his body ache like a scar, it was him, he was the mistake.

“Nothing, don’t mind it” his older brother then held his hand tighter.

“I’m sorry” the voice that spoke drifts like the person was as small as a mouse, because he was. His brother was so much bigger, so much more powerful, he feared this power, he wanted it.

Jack, Sofia, and Brandon

Names given by a god, a being of power, that’s who they’re not. They’re all toys to a game they weren’t meant to play nor observe. Jack was tall with bright red hair that almost looked like it was on fire. He never knew where his hair came from, his family's hair was all blonde, why did he have to be different. Jack hated his difference, it made him have flaws, mistakes, it made him wrong.

“Everything okay, Jack?” said a soft, beautiful voice of a woman he loved, one everyone loved, Sofia. The epitome of perfection, something he wants.

“Yup! Just having a quiet day” that’s a lie.

“Really? You seem very off today, are you sure you’re okay?”

“Don’t worry, I’m seriously fine,” another lie, so imperfect. Everything is wrong about him and everything is so right about her, he hates it, he hates her, he loves her more than anything. He wants her dead, but he wants himself dead more. He’s the reason his brother isn’t satisfied anymore, he can’t satisfy anyone, never has or will.

Bing!

It’s a party, bright colours of pink and a gorgeous cake full of pastel pinks and reds. Piano was played softly throughout the room full of melancholy and it felt like someone else's story that could never be your own, difficult and heavy.

“You’re talented, I love how you play, Jack” echoed through the room with such elegance. You’d know who would’ve said it just by the flow of her words and the gracefulness of her tone. Jack stopped playing and he was stiff.

“Thank you, ma’am.”

“You know my name, I don’t see why you can’t use it,” she said gracefully. Jack stayed silent with no other words to be told. He decided it was time to leave before the people came to dance and to listen to real music, not his disgraceful tone deaf music that in the end, served no purpose.

“You can play tonight if you’d like, I wouldn’t mind” she smiled sweetly at him with no ill intent to be seen within her overwhelmingly purple eyes that have probably cried thousands of tears and seen endless battles. Jack decided to giggle at the comment of him actually being public about anything he had ever done.

“It wouldn’t serve any purpose m’lady, I’m no good” those words almost felt like being choked as he realized how worthless him playing in the first place would turn out to be, he should stop playing altogether.

“I bet Brandon would love it” this time she sounded almost mischievous, evil, to Jack and what she said was pure cruelty to the boy's heart, he didn’t like that word, ‘brother’ and that’s exactly what others view Brandon to be to him, but he wasn’t. What was the point of him playing to Brandon, he could do it better anyway. Without another word from Jack he walked off. “I would prefer to not” Jack replied with his voice almost sounding uncertain about not playing for him, but yet he most certainly wasn’t.

“Fine by me, I’m not too good with family drama anyway, wouldn’t want to start a fiasco no would we” she said as she moved to a table and almost looked as if she was melting in the deep red dress she was wearing, she was beautiful, she was a god after all.

Tap!

With a strong scent of alcohol that always made Jack gag was all over the one he loved.

"Hey, why have you been drinking?" Jack asked sheepishly, scared of what might be said. He was making another mistake just by asking as the gold grew.

"It's that dumb bitch, that backstabbing asshole" Sofia screamed that last sentence almost like she was hoping whoever she was talking about would hear it.

"He chose some guy, why not me, I'm the one he should love, no that" she was clearly angry to which she drove to alcohol, hard alcohol. She was 22, it's not like it was illegal, but he's known her since he was 7 and he's never seen her drink in this quantity.

"I'm sorry, can I get you anything to make the pain feel better?" Jack didn't want to be rude, that would never be his intention, never.

"Just leave, I don't want to see your face" Those words punched Jack in the face as hard as a train. He did it again, he's too clingy, he's always been too clingy, why can't he just back off? He should just let go of someone's hand. The gold is still growing bigger, his mistakes are getting worse.

Bash!

Seventeen candles lit on a table, a cupcake in the middle. The boy of red hair cried trying to count his reasons to live, but before he could collect his thoughts he heard the door open. His room was unorganized and dirty, it made him wince the thought of someone seeing him like this.

“You’re pathetic” Jack panicked, he knew it would come down to this. Why was he here?

“Why are you even still here? I thought I told you to get rid of yourself, no one wants you here anyway”

“I’m sorry, I’ll leave” he was pathetic, worthless, and stupid. Jack slowly stood up. He was now taller than his older brother, unlike when they were kids. He has to be the perfect being or he’s worthless, he should be there for his brother, but he’s too pathetic to ever even help himself. What happens after we die?

Whoosh!

His brother was made of gold, the purest kind. He wants to do anything for them, risk his life for them, anything to make himself look more beautiful. He wants to ascend to a level above his brother, above his love and maybe even above himself. Jack sees at street, his house, and room, a room that was his own.

“Tell me, are you coming back?” Jack paused as he heard the elegant voice shatter in his ear, bursting his ear drums within his head.

“I don’t want to, they hate me” Jack's shaking hands don’t help his guilt. He hears himself scream and shout words he’s never said before. He feels as if he’s choking like his words are food that was swallowed the wrong way.

“How melancholy” the pity in her voice echoed in the endless void that is this thick endless forest. Jack chuckled as his time started to run out. “You've got me, how sad” tears run fearlessly down his cheeks as each word leaves his mouth. He’s been lied to and betrayed by a man he wanted to be his everything.

“One two three four . . .” he hears her speak these words as if knocking in his brain to come out of his head and leave for good.

“Seven eight nine ten . . .” He feels his youth being blown out like a candle and as soon as he thinks maybe that he’s not as horrible as he once believed his life slips away like sand in between a sweet young girl's fingers.

Swing . . .

Tears ran down her love’s face, she looked gorgeous even when she cried. Jack’s red hair was cut off as short as she could, wrapped around her neck and hung on the ceiling. She didn’t want Sofia to cry, Jack loved her after all.

“How pathetic” the blonde chuckled at the sight of her death.

“What is wrong with you?” Sofia’s voice was shaking, uneven, and imperfect for the first time.

“What? He was dumb. Why should I care” they clearly didn’t give a sh*t about her, not once did they ever care for her.

“She wasn’t dumb, you’re the one that hurt her, made her feel small, you gave her those scars Brandon, what is wrong with you, what did she do to deserve this. You absolutely disgust me” Sofia shouts this, was she talking about Jack?

“Come on, really? He was nothing to either of us, at the most he was an irritable distraction from our jobs” Brandon crossed their arms sarcastically.

My dearest brother,

I’m sorry I had to leave on such short notice. I had no need to tell anyone anything, I had no reason to. I bet you want an explanation to why I did this to myself. Well, the simple answer is I got what I wanted, love. I love myself, I’m gold, a scar. I’m fine with this, I’ve ascended to a level of understanding none will ever understand, isn’t that just a tragedy. My sickness makes me look like a bathroom wall, I’m sorry. An invisible disability that no one can note, an anomaly. I’m imperfect, I’m the biggest monstrosity. I’m rotting from the core, but truthfully, I’m perfect and undeniably beautiful. I wish our paths together ended sooner, it would’ve been better for you. Oh, the things I deserve, maybe it’s all erased now that my problematic waste of an existence has finally said farewell into the next life. Maybe another day will get what I truly deserve?

Sincerely your darling sister, Jackii

Colours seem absent

A boy of different styles

A love letter never sent

Apples fall far from freedom

Grass of many shades

A girl never welcome

Hatred left with no aid

Ignorant of life

Filled the cup till empty

Stabbed with a knife

Left with no entry

Maturity backwards Acknowledgement fades away

No longer moving towards

No more getaway

Years pass almost in a flicker of the boys now open eyes, bright purple with a glimmer pink. All colour seemed to only exist in his eyes as even the grass was as white as his pale skin. With a seeming glow there was a sprout that festered from the white grass. Beautiful it was, yet still white, lifeless, emotionless. Was it progress? Alone the boy was, for years. His hair grew miles long as billions of years seemed to pass as fast as his glance of first life. He didn’t care, he didn’t know how. Everything left a mystery in a world he could, yet could not control. He knew everything, yet he knew nothing. His existence, so powerful and unique, for he was the only one with such ignorance. In his head, it was a meaningless position of powerless power.

Colours seemed to start to show in this world as a boy, different then he, stared at him. This boy seemed frightened, but he still moved forward, coming closer to the white boy. Threaten he felt a wave of sickening menace fell through the air to force back.

“Who are you?” A sound was made, it came from the boy of colour. It rang in the white boy's ears as this was an experience never given to him. He moved again.

White once, black once, the boy changed, threatened by what seemed all a mystery. Hair now floating in the wind that surrounded the boy, eyes turning into large black holes of fear. Boy of colour didn’t know what threat he placed coming to such a place, for the boy was ignorant to other beings.

Fallen to the white grass of the floor. Cries swell at his eyes, as he was young. But his presence wouldn’t leave, he stayed for years to come until crumpled to ash.

Never staying in place

Wondering with no displace

An image to never erase

Violin plays in lovely notes

Almost making you want to float

Like the drifting of a boat

Tying your heart with a graceful rope

Giving all a reason to love

Floating everyone up above

Giving passion of

Never ending useless doves

Married a man who had no feelings

Yet even he was a being

And his feelings reached the ceiling

Both found the true meaning

Her skin a chocolate brown

Beauty raced with every sound

Love forever bound

Bound to the ground

Once beauty flourished

Now all they do is pray Pray for a world to be free

Wanting to finally change this end

They went to see what could bent

Suggesting happiness to pretend

Yet none would succeed in such

Heard to be a town of dreams But misery fell

Now known is seen