You will love him to ruins

I need someone to explain me wtf!. I have read the books twice and I still don´t get how times are mixed. Any good soul?

I just want to hug her, kiss her, touch her hair or her face. It was something I could do just by thinking it and then doing it, but now it'something impossible. Now I am stucked here with a shitty life I don't want at all, because I have to do something with this life she worked very hard to give me, to make her proud. The only thing I always prayed for was having her and my dad for as long as I lived, but now this life of shit has taken away from me the only person who has loved me sincerely and one of the two people I only care about. I can't find a way to make me feel in peace because I am selfish and no matter if she is no longer suffering, I need her here with me, she was and still be my reason to be. Now I can only act as I am okay and not dying from inside and my life is falling into pieces and my only reason to want to be alive is no longer with me. I love you mom, I am so thankful because if life did something well was giving you as my mom and I wouldn't change any moment with you. I love you and always will ❤️❤️❤️

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