special agent box muncher

If the only thing that has kept you going was outliving Mitch McConnell, imma need yall to pick a new person to outlive and fast. Your mission is not over.

This is one of your worst posts yet man

You called me dirt sucking poor and told me my carrot looks like a cock

do you guys remember “kick his ass baby i got yo flower”

this is like asking a medieval christian monk if he remembers the ten commandments like if not what have I been wasting my years learning

Maybe we can all learn something from him in 2026

Went to a fabric store yesterday and saw a sewing machine that did embroidery of photos and the example was of a newborn baby and it was so fucking insane looking I asked an employee if I could buy it and she looked at it and was like “oh my god eugh what the fuck… i think that’s my bosses grandkid….I think you should just take it” so I did

god I'm such a slut for Chinese eggplant in garlic sauce *decides it’s inaccurate to refer to myself as a slut in light of my minimal sexual activity* if The Enemy discovered my ardor for Chinese eggplant in garlic sauce, they would gain a significant strategic advantage

Do you think cavemen ever got humiliated and had the kms urge? Like "Grug so embarrassed, Grug jump into tar pit" and then Glarg is like "Noooo everyone forget soon" and Grug is like "Grug going to do it for real"

Man I miss free the nipple. Its getting warmer and we don’t even have free the nipple anymore

Mommy's going to take you out of the freezer and leave you in a room temperature environment, ok? Awww you're already dripping condensation... There's a puddle gathering at your base, my leaky little condensation slut.

can you put that on a coaster

No. I want her to see all her little circle stains on the table...

okay thats cute and all but this table was my grandmother's so i would really appreciate it if you could stop and actually consider other peoples belongings for 2 fucking seconds