MY NAME IS...

now i'm nearly five years older than i was during my abusive relationship and i can't help but hate the person i am now even more than i did then. it's like, i can afford myself some grace there because i was fourteen and i just wanted to be loved but like-- i feel so shitty NOW and i'm eighteen and all i want is to be loved but i still do awful things and i'm worried that in another 4 years i'll look at how i am now and excuse my behavior just because i'm young-- and i don't want that. i don't want to become someone that doesn't hold themselves accountable for having done bad things just because i'm young. at some point, that won't be an acceptable explanation anymore! and it's kind of already not one! it sort of feels like nothing i say can excuse or explain how i am. i feel like i just Am. I feel like I'm so unforgivable that there's no point in trying to apologize if it doesn't MEAN anything to someone. i just assume that people won't forgive me, and if they DO, i believe that they're misguided for doing so.

I'm at a point right now where it just doesn't all make much sense. I want to be forgiven, but I feel like I don't deserve it so i self-flagellate as both a reflex and to show that i MEAN it when i say "i'm sorry." like, in the sense of, "look at that sorry, pitiful thing!" referring to me. I think there's a part of me that is just so emotionally manipulative and i don't know where it comes from or how to control it. I feel like i have to put on the act of a scared, meek fawn to keep people from hurting me or telling me things i don't want to hear. as if cowering in fear and holding my arms over my face will remind them of a scared child and convince them to be kind to me. I guess that's just been my defense mechanism. And it's not to say that i DON'T feel scared and regressed in those moments, but. I do consciously understand that this is how i defend myself. This is how I operate when I feel threatened... and when that doesn't work, under certain circumstances, i get defensive.