big long post cut for your convenience
the thing to do right now is I guess "meet new people" but aside from the intimidation of going out of my way to do so, I also chronically have this sort of impostor-syndrome about making friends, you know? especially if it's with people I have an active interest in. it's like, I feel like a complete fraud most of the time, playing up whatever parts of myself receive the most positive feedback-- be funnier, be sweeter, be more laid-back... it's not like im not those things, but when I perform it, it makes me feel like a character more than a person. like I'm acting the part of my own life. I think that's what makes it so easy for me to make bad decisions because, part of me always thinks that I'm still putting on an interesting show. something that makes me feel like I'm living my life rather than watching it through a spyglass.
and like, when I make new friends, I always feel guilty just for the fact that they like me in the first place. as if I'm doing something wrong by just existing and letting people think I'm not terrible. it's not like I have an issue actually making friends-- I'm sociable and I try to be friendly, but whenever I'm in that "getting to know each other" phase, I'm always nervous that they're going to be disappointed or upset by whatever "real me" lies beneath the surface. I have an obsessive personality, I act sometimes impulsively, I struggle to take care of myself, I have all this crazy baggage-- it's EMBARRASSING for people to see that, but there's also an undercurrent of wanting it to be seen, so that someone can look at me and go, "you didn't deserve any of that."
I think because it's hard for me to say that to myself. how do I know that I don't deserve it? I can't believe it when it's coming from myself. self love, self acceptance-- they're things I want for other people, but when it's me, it just feels... wrong? like I'm just telling another lie. I can't tell myself I deserve better when I don't really feel like I do. I always feel like I need to settle. Settle for someone who calls me stupid, someone who says they hate me, someone who makes me scream crying every night and then says they love me the next day. all that, I knew it was abuse, and I still would have stayed. I didn't escape, I got thrown away. hardly a dignified "survivor." I don't feel like I survived. I feel like they ripped the most innocent part of me out of my body and ran away with it. and now all I am is just a ball made up of various words for "bad"
I don't know how to proceed with letting people love me when I don't even trust that I'm being authentic. I don't know what being 100% real is like. I just like, step out of one pair of shoes and into the next! even now, I feel like I'm not being as "genuine" as I could be because I'm typing it all as a blog post, and formatting it, and rereading it. what if I spoke it? what if I cried, or smiled, or did neither? it's just a matter of choosing what part to play up. what will make someone laugh? what will make them think I'm clever? what will make them worry for me? (and then go back and delete that because you're obviously vying for attention like a narcissist!) what will make everyone care? if tomorrow I get struck by lightning, or if I die in my sleep, will that news reach everyone who I felt wronged by? I think about what everyone will think of me even after I'm dead. talk about vain. No I am not going to kill myself No I am not going to put myself in harm's way No I am not going to "do anything stupid" but it would be nice to have someone concerned for my safety and all that. someone who's not, like, obligated to be concerned
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