"Sippin YambaJuice."

I hope to never see you again.

Today I saw that one of my childhood homies passed. We weren’t close enough for me to know how but an influx of posts from people that were closer drew me to a self reflection. Rest In Peace Kuya we haven’t really talked in over a decade and we didn’t have any deep talks when we were in our teenage years but you were a beautiful soul. In these 30 years, I’ve lived so many different lives and I’m currently occupying fatherhood and being a husband. I am grateful for getting to this point because as a child this is all I have ever dreamed about. However, I was so enveloped in this dream that it made me terrible at relationships of all kinds not just romantic. To all those who knew me in my teenage years and cared for me, thank you. I’m sorry I did not reciprocate the same amount of love back. It took me a long time to grow out of a childish mentality despite going through numerous traumatic events but finally somewhat maturing I can’t help but wonder, if my thought process was better maybe these people would still be active participants in my life rather than characters whose lives I only know through social media. I pray that all of you are well and are achieving your dreams and know that from the bottom of my heart, I miss you.

I’ll always be proud of you.

I have had the shittiest sleeping schedule for as long as I can remember. At the same time, I have absolutely no motivation to dig myself out of this hole that I am in. I feel defeated by this low point in my life. What is there to look forward to? Fuck love. Fuck “success”. Fuck emotions. I can’t even recall a time where I have been truly happy in forever either. Purpose. Where the fuck are you?

I miss you so much but I would never tell you. Maybe that’s a problem but I’d rather inconvenience myself than burden you with my feelings. After all we’re not ready you said. Not ready to be in love you said. But you once said you were in love you said. With me you said. Now we’re strangers as if one of us were dead. You said, this time it would be different. You said last time we were children. Girl, who the fuck were we kidding. I get I asked about you every single day. And all I say is I’m the one to blame.

No matter how hard I fell, how love felt real. In the end all that’s left is you. You selfish, all encompassing, piece of shit they call loneliness.