It’s just me against the world now

It's been a week. Almost three years since I saw her. Almost 3 years since I was able to speak to her. Then there she was I felt like couldn't speak... She pretended as if everything was fine And I I couldn't help but get lost in my mind. I got lost in the memory of the first time I made her laugh I faded into the memory of our first kiss Then she said hi And I faded back in. All I wanted to do was tell her how much I missed her. I was there to do a job But my heart was telling me my job was to tell her how much I loved her... You never stopped looking beautiful... I missed you 😪

ITS SURGERY DAY. It's 530am and I've gotten no sleep Today they'll try to take this tumor out Cancer For the past couple of days I've been dealing with the fact that i have cancer And I'm just scared scared Not for the fact that I know my life might end soon But because it's my fault that I don't have the only person in the world whose support I wish I had. Facing my own mortality these past couple of days have forced me to relive in vivid detail every single decision and choice I have made in this world up to this moment. I have painfully relived every single night I looked her in face while she cried to sleep and I let her sleep that way. I relived every single lie I told her and the stupid childish mindset I had thinking I could've gotten away with it. I relived every stupid moment where I was being unfaithful to her knowing damn well she was the only one I could only care about. Worst of all I relived In tears every single second of my life up to this moment here that I have spent without her, just trying to picture how much better my life could be if I would've just gotten my shit together and given her everything of me that she deserved. Goddamit I hate myself for losing you. I am sorry for lying. I'm sorry for cheating. I'm sorry for letting you go to sleep crying. I'm just fucking sorry for giving you shit when you do clearly deserved the world. I love you Raquel...

I asked with all the vulnerability in my hands why do people do what they, say what they say, and hurt others the way they do.... She said, "most people when making a decision unknowingly make a choice between What they value So tell me Orlando do you value the right and wrong of actions themselves Or do you value the right and wrong of the consequences of those actions" I wonder what she values... I still miss you 😔

This picture was perfect for my new poem I saw you today and I just, I just, My body was over taken with chills like a fiend during withdrawal But my heart skipped a beat in awe, My eyes lost focus But I never lost sight of another us....

Straight from the camera noedits... places I wish I could have you next to me, Pictures I wish I could show you, Emotions I wish I could've shared with you

My body was over taken with chills like a fiend during withdrawal But my heart skipped a beat in awe, My eyes lost focus But I never lost sight of another us....

I spoke to the first therapist paid for by the army today It was crazy to hear just another person say I'm a depressed insomniac I was given a string of appointments, Sleeping medication, and anti depressants I don't feel like myself but But idk I just haven't felt much in a while I miss you

I don't live to love, I love to live... and I still love you Dublin now has a lock with our names on it I still miss you. N I still love you

Happy birthday... Ima take my pills and sleep through today

Hope you have a wonderful day I miss you I still love you

So this one is a long one or maybe just long because I haven't written in a while But I've been heavily depressed this past week and a half. I slept like straight through Christmas, like literally took a handful of pills and slept a full 24hrs. Facebook decided to remind me, as if I didn't already know that it's been 3 years since my first date with Raquel. I saw that picture and was teleported to that night. I remember every single detail about that night from the moment when she said her hand was cold and I held it to when we joked and laughed at her showing me her tmblr at Panera bread. I cried I went downtown I smoked n I took pictures I talked to homeless people and sat at millennium park for hours. Then somehow someway Facebook showed me my biological fathers profile, someone I've never met. It infuriated me so much to see how much I look like him. It destroyed me to see he kept his next three children. I was angry. I broke things. I did drugs. And tonight on this thirsty Thursday night at docs Raquel was at the bar. I cried. I died

I just woke from a mid day slumber n I had a sad dream. It's been a while since I shed a tear but this dream killed me a little bit. This dream I was for reason in Raquel's room folding sheets and stuff and she says "I miss my best friend" And I said what happened to Beatriz ? She's says "I was referring to you" And that killed me... I said I never stopped missing you and everything you meant too me. And then the dream ended with me sitting on the bed looking into her eyes with just a tear in my eye... And coincidently that's how I woke up, I woke up sitting up in my bed, First time ever doing that but that's how it happened. Woke up staring into the darkness of my room with a single tear running out already about to fall off my face... And it just hit my chest, it fucking hurt me I never really stopped missing you Raquel and I never will I still love you woman 😔

I had an alright thanksgiving with someone else family again because I'll never seem to have my own again. I'm walking around post smoking cigarettes just waiting for this weeknd album to drop because I hope that will make me feel better... But I just miss Raquel I'm getting better at suffering in silence But damn I still miss her every day Ima go swing on a swing and keep getting drunk And just keep waiting

if i could do it all over again id do it in the same skin I’m in to lay down and let love die just stay down and let love lie? no, no..not i id stay around and let love fly even though i have seen its darkest form nothing else could taste this warm or feel this sweet… I'll always love you Raquel 🌊☀️